A mother.

How would one describe a mother?

I believe a mother can be described in one sentence:

"I Love you."

those words can hold so much meaning. so much weight it can be hard for one to handle.

my mother, her "i love you's" were so heavy, beyond any thing i could hold in my tiny toddler arms. i still crave for that simple sentence. as i lie in bed, staring at my ceiling. i wish to feel my mother, her arms, her hair, her skin. i wish to smell my mother, like her favorite perfume, the soap she used. i Love my mother.

yet, my family says to not lover her.

Why?

"She did not care for you." 

yes, she did. she loved me so.

"no she did not,' they would say. "All she would do is drink, and smoke and do things someone should not do around a young child."

and i remember those time, the things my brain does not wish for me to remember. The smell of the pot, the alcohol,

the sad.

my mother always seemed lost. like she did not know what to do.

sometime, i wish i could of helped her. show her how to be a good mommy. how to feed me and my sibblings, how to wash us. how to love us all.

she loved me the most.

i know,

because she told me.

'i love you' she would say

i know i would reply

i love you too i would say and we would hug and sit with each other

i was her favorite.

Yet,

i was in the worst shape.

i knew hunger, i knew sadness, i knew fear.

they were my neighbors after all.

sometimes

i wish i didnt know them , they were mean sometimes

i remember how my mother was when she wasnt drunk or asleep. she loved me, we would hang out together on the couch and watch Big Brother. the tv droning as i fell asleep at her side. happy and content.

I wanted to be just like her.

Did you know that?

Probably not, how would you?

Now, 

i'm not so sure.

i miss her though, i want to lover her. i do love her.

but this love feels illegal, because apperently she did not love me back.

but i do, i Love her with all my heart. i Love you, i Love you, i Love you, i Love you.

and i know she loves me back.

i want to see her again, but i'm told no.

i would ask why, but i am not allowed.

Why is counted as talking back.

i when i get to ask why, they tell me.

"She does not do what she is told."

if i help, she might

"She isn't a good mom."

can i help her become one?

"no."

oh

and i go to my room and try not to cry.

sometimes i debate going against my families wishes and try to contact her. ask to see her again, but i cannot.

It is illegal

i do not like that word

i want my mother to know, i want her to know

her i love you's meant the world to me

so heavy and full of love

i always felt full when she said that

i never needed to eat when she said that, my hunger would go away

and i would eat and eat and eat her love until i was full

my brain said full

my body said empty

i did not feel empty

i always felt full

now my brain says empty

and my body says full

i hide with a smile

no worries my smile says

this is a happy girl my smile says

she does not miss her mother my smile says

she loves her new mother my smile says

my smile is good at lying

i am not good at lying

thats why my smile does it

but if i could say one thing

one thing to my mother

i would try to replicate the love i felt for her

in the way she loved me

and i would say

I Love You

and hug her and cry as i would never see her again

is it bad?

that i love her

even though she did things that she should have never done?