Dear No Name,

I honestly have no idea where to start. I know this letter is going to be long and it might open up new and old wounds but I feel like all I can do is write. This is a letter, it is more of a confession, a tantrum and a goodbye to all the things I’ve held over my head everytime I see your face. I see your face every day, some days being better than others. The good days seem to go by fast and happy, the bad days being wallowed and laced with fear infested, angry and confused moments everywhere I look and asking questions as to why you act the way you do. 

You are the person I love, cherish and appreciate above all else. The person everyone depends on, the person everyone praises and asks me, ‘ How does she do that ?’ I honestly don’t know. You are human one minute, super women the next and satan all together in my head on more days than others. You are a beautiful drop of rain that shines, and yet has such thick emotions inside, and when you land on the surface of anything that dares to try and catch you, you burn them, singeing them and leaving a permanent scar on them. 

One moment, youre composed and sweet. You are the person everyone needs you to be, youre the person people are jealous of and want to be like. You are the sun they want to see everyday, you are what they wish to be. Yet, when you are around those who love you most? You don’t care, you turn into a storm, not caring what internal damage that you can cause to those fragile, kind hearted people always willing to sacrifice more and more of themselves to try and catch you on their surface. Letting your poison seeps into their surface, destroying the one thing keeping them going. 

The one thing that keeps the person sane, and loving to you. Slowly, the inner kindness is melting. You’re killing my kindness, my empathy and the one thing that fills my heart that makes me love you. You are the one person I hold higher than anyone ; yet I am under you, getting suffocated by the waves you control in my life. The ocean you throw me around in as I hold you up causing me to be dizzy,  drowning, the black ink of your poison turing the ocean into an oil spill. I can’t see anything, I can’t see what others would see as warning signs, or as things they try and sell as to what I should be aware of.  

But when you love someone so much and have so much respect for someone, don’t you want to see the best in them? Don’t you wanna ignore the flaws, the imperfections and the humanis of a person when someone is such a pillar of hope in your life? Yet… I can’t do it anymore. I can’t stand to be around you when you’re ‘human’. I can’t do your imperfections. I can’t do your waves anymore. I can’t keep swallowing, wallowing, choking and suffocating on those jet black waters that threaten to burst my lungs. It hurts. You hurt. Yet, no matter how hard I try to understand you, understand why you are the way you are I can’t. I just.. I can’t deal with it anymore.

It’s gotten to the point where nothing is safe from the floods you use to cloud everything that I am. You cloud my kindness. You cloud the person I want to be, just because it’s not what you wanted me to be. It’s what you don’t want to see out of one of your followers. You are disgusted by me. You don’t take any time at all to check on your pillars. You just walk, use and throw them out of your thoughts. When everyone praises you like they do, why wouldn’t you use those who are under you? Why wouldn’t you take advantage of whats available. 

You. You. You. You’re done. You are done with screaming at me so loud you shatter my surface and make me cry. You are done controlling my emotions in ways that scar my mind. You are done controlling the way I feel about my actions, You are done replacing my self love with self doubt and self hatred. You are done hurting my mentality so much that I don’t have any will to do anything productive for me, You are done putting on that smiling, loving face one minute and ripping out my heart and throwing it on the ground to stomp on it, that same smile looking at everyone else as you do so. 

You’re done holding the scary places over my head as punishments. You are done ignoring your problems. You are done ignoring the fact that those around you are too breakable for all the weight you want to put them through. You are done breaking pillars. You are done breaking me. You are done making me cry myself to sleep with that gut wrenching pain you inflict with your words. You are done making me feel like I’m going to puke up my heart. You are done making me have to swallow what thoughts you shove in my throat. 

I’m done. I’m done feeling like a piece of dirt under your foot. I am tired of feeling like I am a rag you can use and throw away. I am no longer gonna be the person you can depend on. You are not going to make me second guess what I believe anymore. You are not going to hurt my mentality anymore. You are not gonna make me feel like I’m dying anymore. I am going to be stronger than I have ever been in my life. 

I will say goodbye. Goodbye to all the tears. Goodbye to all the horrible things you made me feel and think about myself and life. I will say goodbye to all the pain, the sorrow and the helplessness I clang to with all the strength I had left in me. The strenght I gripped so tight that my knuckles were white and taring with blood oozing from the creaks you made in my skin, my shield and my mind. I will let myself let go to the one thing I clung to for my life.

I will fall into the raging black ocean and inhale a fresh gulp of air. I’ll open my eyes and swim my way to my shore. My bright, beautiful island that allows me to sit back, lay down and watch the beaming sun. I’ll slowly inhale and exhale, the black liquid you filled my lung with flowing out of every creak, pore and dent you made in me. After I let it all out of me, I will get up on my own two feet, wobbling at first, but steading myself on my spirit. I’ll cry of course, because I've abandoned all I have ever known, all I’ve been able to depend on. I’ll let the tears fall, but I will have the brightest smile on my face that I’ve had in my life.

I’ll patch my creaks of my skin with the soft leaves of the trees around me. I’ll remain standing and face what is ahead with the wounds never healing. The wounds in my mind are never ending. I’ll close my tear glossed eyes, wiping away the tear stains ever so gently to not break off any pieces of myself. For when my eyes will open once more, there will be a black pavement road. No road signs in site, seeming to go on for eternity into the sunrise shining down on both the road and I. I lift my foot, pressing it to the new road ahead of me, the second my foot touching down the cracks show of my spirit, soul and mind appearing on it’s surface. 

I would simply smile at the cracks, knowing that this road will only ever reflect what is on my skin and soul. I inhale and exhale, instead of the black liquid of the black sea seeping from my lips, there is  air, for the first time since I was 8 years of age. As I continue to walk, the road shakes and breaks with me with every inch further to the future I take. Even though I am fearful for the future, there is a smile as bright as the sun on my face.

So, this will now and forever be, goodbye. 

Goodbye,

The person who no longer needs you