After a nice church service my family and I decided to go to lunch, little did I know this outing was going to be the start of a long-term fear. The sun was shining through the glass window, spreading a ray of orangish yellow light over the table and menus. The deep laughs coming from my papa filled the table and as I was getting comfortable, nature called so I excused myself from the dining table. I then start to weave through other tables and waiters solely focusing on the stick figure cut out with a dress. Eventually, I arrived at the bathroom and proceeded to do my business and after washing my hands I opened the door to leave, but my feet kept me in place. My heart started pounding and my hands shook. I realized that I didn't know where my table was. I truly believed at that moment I was going to get lost if I went out there. After receiving a few weird looks from other girls coming into the bathroom, I decided that it was time to leave. I stepped out onto to dirty carpet and tried to remember little landmarks that could jog my memory or the laughter of my papa, but to no avail, I continued walking with my neck stretched until I heard, "Pooh we're back here!" my mother shouted. I walked right past them, I couldn't believe it. Embarrassed I returned to the table with my head down trying to laugh it off but vowing to myself to always go to the bathroom with someone else. After this brunch, I tried my best to get rid of this anxiety.

The first thing I did was follow my silent vow. Whenever I needed to leave a group of people I always went with someone else. Whether that was to the bathroom, another aisle in a store, down the street, you name it I was with anyone willing to attend with me. Picking up this habit was very helpful especially when you have friends because they are willing to go along with you as if there is some unspoken understanding. Going with other people allowed me to not have to focus on my fear because I could just rely on them to get me back safely. While this method should be sound it often crumpled because I would get denied the company as I got older. The reasoning would often be I'm too comfortable, or I'm busy, or simply no. Because this method no longer was working consistently the sweat, the shakes, and every symptom started to come back as if I had never been by myself before. Now that I could not rely on others I had to strap up my boots, stand tall, and... sit back down in my seat waiting for someone else to get up or walk away first. This way I could still use them to get back safely but without the chance of rejection. Genius. 

As you may have guessed that did not last long. After plenty of times squirming in my seat trying to ignore nature's call, missing opportunities to meet new people, or having new experiences I begrudgingly decided to pivot. So the second thing I did was pay attention. Even though this would have been the most obvious route to take for anybody it took me a while to act on it. As I left my original location I would look at every stain, every chair, and every color that passed my sight. The only problem was that I struggled with staying focused. As long as I could remember, I would often space out or zero in on something small that caught my eye, sometimes in the middle of a conversation. Therefore, even with all my effort to pay attention, I would still forget, the only difference now is I had a new tool in my pocket. A phone. So if I realized that I didn't pay close enough attention I would just pull out my phone. This way I could just call and find my original group, it also saved me the embarrassment of looking lost. I believe my mother noticed these changes because after joking about it for so long mother gave me a new responsibility. Just as I was soaring high my wings started to melt from the sun's rays or in other words my mother handed me her car keys.

After driving for some time I got over the typical fear of getting into a head-on collision, but once again the paralyzing terror of getting lost came back times five. Due to the fact, its easier to get lost on the long winding roads compared to a store. Even though I was afraid of getting lost I had my mother as my personal GPS. So instead of worrying about coming up with another strategy to stop the fear from coming, I was able to ponder on why I have this fear. Trying to rack my brain the only thing that came to me was my childhood with my father, which I now know much of my anxiety comes from. I remember often as a little girl I would take a nap, after a long day of fun with my dad,  and before my eyes closed I would see him at the foot of the bed taking a drag from his cigarette, watching some cartoon. I was at peace, everything was fine and seeing him at the foot of the bed put my heart at ease knowing that he was watching me, so I closed my eyes. When i woke up that peace came to a holt. He wasn't at the foot of the bed nor down the hall. This would have been fine if this was just his house but it was often a friend of a friends or something along those lines. I remember being scared to ask the strangers for help and feeling hopless, believing at my young age I would never see him again. With this new found information, the fear did not go away, but I was able to breath a little easier, because I understood the fear.

Today I am not scared to drive or walk to the bathroom and when that little ball of anxiety starts to grow I know how to compress it. Even though I am no longer frozen when these tasks come up I know that I am not past it either, but I take it one step at a time knowing that those fears are not relevent to my life now. Now that you have seen my journey of getting through a fear, I hope you can take away a method or two for your own life. Mabey your childhood is more significant than you thought.