“I understand this is hard for you, but the best way to move on from something is to remember, forgive, and let go. Just tell me what you remember Skylar, I’ll help you through it.” Ha, she says it like it’s nothing, like she’s repeated that line a thousand times already. I can’t stop staring at her damn bun. Lucy would’ve made fun of it by now; she probably would’ve called it a second head. Don’t get me wrong, Dr.Carson is great. She doesn’t prescribe me 3 bottles every month like Cooper did, and she really means what she says which I guess is good to have in a therapist. If she wants me to tell her everything then she better have the squeezy cat toy again, it’s the only thing that keeps my left hand from punching everything in sight.

“I have the stress cat if you need it.” What is she? Psychic?

“I need it,” I chuckled and she grabbed it from her desk; better to laugh while I can. I took a really deep breath, big, like the kind you do at physicals. “It’s almost been 2 years... It helps to know that it gets farther away every day, you know? So Lucy and I had a sleepover the Friday night before everything happened. She slept on the top bunk. She always joked that ‘If the bed ever collapsed, you’re the one getting squished by me,’” I smiled. “The next morning she said that we had to go shopping. She wanted to grab a birthday gift for Matt, who was still a toddler at the time. We decided to go to Orange Grove Mall, because they had a bigger selection of toy stores. It was almost the size of that King of Prussia Mall I went to on my trip to Philly a couple years ago. Have you ever been?”

“Actually yes I have, my aunt and uncle lived there for a point in time. They moved back here because they hated the cold weather and the people weren’t as friendly there as they are in Florida,” she said.

“I agree, but the city is great. They have the best malls down there.”

“We’re straying a bit Skylar, we only have half an hour left. Please continue.”

There goes my stalling plan, I really don’t want to talk about this today. Every time I talk about it, it feels like I’m getting stabbed in the same place again and again. “Fine. Lucy and I were dropped off at Orange Grove. My mom was going to pick us up 2 hours later. We went to Toys R Us, K.B. Toys, and then we went to Whitman’s Toys and found the Transformer light up doll Matt had been begging for every time the commercial came on. We had just paid and were walking out the store when we both saw a man. The mall was so crowded, still to this day I have no idea how he wasn’t spotted by anyone else. He was in full black with a skully and sunglasses on. He had a big bag strapped to his shoulders. I kept staring at him. We were on the second floor of the mall near the escalators. The man approached an atm and entered, it was the kind with privacy curtains, kind of like a photo booth. Lucy said “I don’t think he’s getting change right now.” The next thing happened so fast, that’s the only way I remember it.” I stopped.

“Can you give me a moment?” I whispered to her. I was losing my breath again.

“Do you need your inhaler?” Dr.Carson asked.

“No. I just need a second,” I paused, “to gather my thoughts please.”

“Take your time Skylar,” she has a concerned face but still manages to have that army sergeant look I call it.

“Alright, I’m ready. So the man walks out of the booth with a huge gun... It was unreal to me. He starts shouting “EVERYONE DOWN NOW!”. The next moment, everyone in the mall starts screaming, running, mother’s grabbing their children trying to get away. That’s when I see that this man is not alone. There were 3 more spread along the second floor; I could see some on the ground level too. Lucy starts screaming and crying. I grabbed her by the arm and we start running toward the fire escape steps pushing through the crowd; the men weren’t guarding them. I hear the first rounds being fired and more screams. I can hear my own heartbeat and Lucy praying as we run. We push open the door to the stairwell which everyone else seems to be missing. I’m scared out of my mind but I keep running. We practically stumble down the steps because we’re moving so fast until I freeze, and so does Lucy. At the bottom of the steps are two of them. One smiles at me with the most deadly eyes I’ve ever see in my life. I yelled “LUCY LET’S GO!!!” and yank her arm. I’m almost at the top of the steps when I notice she’s not holding on to me anymore. “BANG BANG!” And then there was red, everywhere.” Dr.Carson hands me the tissues and I release the toy in my hand. My blood starts circulating again and I get the color back in my hand. This is actually the best I’ve been ever when it comes to talking about it.

“Sorry,” I sniffle.

“It’s fine. Continue whenever you feel ready to.”

“The rest of my story is a blur from there. I remember the gun that was pointed at me, I remember the sound of the bullet being fired, I remember running, the bright lights in the emergency room, the pain in my arm. It was excruciating.”

“What happened when you came to?”

“I was propped up in a hospital bed. My mom was crying and kissing me over and over thanking God for saving me. My lower right arm was wrapped tightly in gauze and I was wearing a fancy sling. I asked her what happened to me she said there was a shooting at the mall and that I had escaped, but was shot in my arm by one of the men. That’s when some of my memory started to come back. I said “WHERE’S LUCY?!”. She started crying even more. She didn’t even have to say it for me, I knew what was coming. That’s when I lost it, crying, screaming, asking why this happened. It took me 3 days after that to say anything. I was numb.”

“How did you feel?”

“How the hell do you think I felt? My best friend died and I left her down there to save myself. There was nothing I could do to save her I know, but I still feel like I failed her. I feel like that everyday. I should’ve done more.”

“You can’t feel guilty for something you had no control over. Anyone in your position would’ve done the same Skylar.”

“Would you have done that?”

“I know that if I were in Lucy’s place, I would have wanted you to save yourself. Any true friend would.”

I had nothing to say, she was right.

“So how did you escape?”

“My mom told me that after as I was shot in the arm by one of the men, I kept running. I ran back to the second floor where people were still trying to exit. The owner of the clothing store closest to the exit saw me bleeding and screaming. He grabbed me and locked his doors. I was unconscious after that. We were hidden in the back of his store until we were escorted by armed forces out of the mall. I was rushed to the hospital and had emergency surgery to remove the bullet from my arm and to stop the bleeding. All I have is this scar to show for it and practically no feeling left in it... The absolute hardest part of it all was burying my best friend. No one should ever have to go through that.” I was crying again.

“I can’t imagine,” Dr.Carson said, but this time she had a look of pure empathy on her face.

“Yeah, you can’t... A few days after Lucy’s funeral, my mom handed me the bag with Matt’s birthday gift. She told me,“This was found with Lucy’s body. I know this was her brother’s birthday present and her parents and I thought it might be good for you to give it to him. He still doesn’t understand what’s been going on, and a little boy always needs his birthday presents,” and she was right. The absolute pure look of joy on four year old Matt’s face when I handed him his light up transformer was the only thing that kept me from taking my own life that year. It was because I knew Lucy would’ve loved it.”