Hitman | Teen Ink

Hitman

August 13, 2014
By Pierced_Sirens BRONZE, Methuen, Massachusetts
Pierced_Sirens BRONZE, Methuen, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;We are chained to this life by a chain of gold, and we dare not sever it for fear of what lies beyond the drop.&rdquo; <br /> ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince


No one could console the patient at the asylum. His flippant, pugnacious, behavior could not be fixed. Tony became the worst patient in the institute because of all of his liabilities. Tony had a personality hidden to even him that is sterling.

“Tony, what’s with your surly behavior?” the nurse asked Tony.

And so Tony began his incessant screaming as he ran out the door to find a reprieve from the little asylum he spent everyday of his life in for 5 years.Tony couldn’t remember how to act in the world, he only knew how to use his military skills to do the dirty work for anybody. He was on his way to his old gang.

Tony had been sane until all of the blood on his hands got to him. He decided murdering was better than staying in the New York Mental Institute. When Tony arrived at his old gang’s hangout area he asked for his old job back.

“Please, Jack I want my job back!” he screamed hysterically.

“Okay, Tony, you don’t need to beg, you were the best hitman we’ve ever had.”

After Tony was reinstated in the gang he was sent on his first assignment after he gave him a gun, a knife and a suit. Tony’s first assignment was to kill a 25 year old woman who didn’t pay her dues to the drug dealers in their gang.

When Tony arrived at her apartment he was surprised to see who his assignment was.
“Jane?”
“Tony?”

When he saw his wife he pushed her against the wall, pulled out his gun, and raised it to her head as the gun shook in his hands.

“Tony, what are you doing, why are you out of the mental institute? why are you pointing that gun at me?”

“Jane,” he started to say as tears fell down his face like a waterfall, “I have to kill you.”
“No, Tony, please, we could get back together, I’m sorry I sent you to the institute,” she said crying hysterically.

“I’m sorry Jane, I’m so sorry, I have to.”

Tony pulled the trigger and sank to the ground defeated. As he looked at the gun in his hand he thought of what he had just done. He raised the gun to his forehead, looked at his wife one last time, raised the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.



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This article has 3 comments.


on Aug. 21 2014 at 11:07 am
Pierced_Sirens BRONZE, Methuen, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;We are chained to this life by a chain of gold, and we dare not sever it for fear of what lies beyond the drop.&rdquo; <br /> ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

Thank you I will take your comment into consideration and make a new revised edition to this story.  

123465 SILVER said...
on Aug. 21 2014 at 5:07 am
123465 SILVER, London, Other
6 articles 0 photos 4 comments
I think you have a good plot here, but I agree with kingofwriters that the narration is too straight forward and not enough is left unsaid.  If you decide to keep the part where Tony visits his old gang, my advice would also be to change the way the characters speak, for example Tony yells "Please, Jack I want my job back!"; I don't think an ex-hitman would talk like this, instead something like "Give me back my job, Jack" in a low more, threatening voice. Hope this helps, and good luck!

on Aug. 19 2014 at 8:59 pm
kingofwriters BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Books are a uniquely portable magic.&quot; - Stephen King<br /> <br /> I love books, and I love technology, but I don&#039;t want to see the latter overwhelm the former. I just think books are meant to be pages you turn, not screens you scroll through.

Show, don't tell. This story is actually quite well-written in general, but its fatal flaw is that it consists entirely of straightforward narration. Also an issue is the passage of time; it does not work well with this kind of a story, and it works even worse when you are merely telling what is going on instead of showing it. My advice: start out the story right at the moment when Jane discovers Tony pointing a gun at her head. Completely omit the parts with the asylum and the gang; just focus on Jane and Tony. Reveal the parts about the asylum and the kill order through their dialogue, not through narration. Straightforward narration is your enemy when you are aiming to write a story that entices and enthralls the reader; you want to thrust them into a situation and let them figure out things without any hand-holding whatsoever. Practice not telling your readers a single thing. Practice showing them everything and let them put together the puzzle pieces on their own.    I cannot stress enough the importance of showing and not telling. It is such a simple technique that goes such a long way, and it brings words to life in the most extraordinary of ways. This story is not badly written by any means; it just falls victim to one of the worst writing habits ever, and the way to avoid this horrible habit is the previously mentioned technique. Show, don't tell.    If you are planning on rewriting this, I would definitely take out the unnecessary first section and focus only on Jane and Tommy, and then reveal their backstories through dialogue. No hand-holding allowed; hand-holding is bad.    I really do hope this helps; my writing improved exponentially when I learned to show the readers what was happening instead of tell them. Flaws aside, this story is still quite well-written, and you are undeniably a good writer. You just have to have the courage to trust your reader with an unfamiliar situation, and once you have that, you're good! :)