I’m outraged, America. Totally outraged. Monday night I was watching my favorite show: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – possibly the best out of all the mid-eighties movie franchise television run-off series’ – when who should appear on my television set but our new commie president Barack HUSSAIN Obama. I immediately vomited my Corn Nuts and warm beer all over my eleven-inch Wal-Mart television screen in disgust. You see I’ve got a bone to pick with Mr. Obama. First of all, he’s a Democrat. … Need I say more? You know who else was a democrat? Judas. That’s a fact. Second and more importantly, this liberal dove closed down one of my top five, all-time favorite offshore, secret prison camps, Guantanomo Bay. It’s as though this new guy wants to undo everything President Bush did. That’s insane. You can’t change perfect. You can’t make something more perfect. However, I’m a fair sport. We lost the election so I’m going to help Mr. Obama out as well as I can with this whole Gitmo thing.

Dear Mr. HUSSAIN Obama,


I recently heard you closed down Guantanomo Bay. Smart move. Just one question for you: What are we going to do with all of these newly released prisoners? We can’t release them into America. We can’t ship them back where they came from. What do we do with these terrorizors? I’ll tell you. Reparations slavery. We can take those prisoners and hand them over to returning solders from Iraq and families that were affected by terrorist activity here at home.

Think about it, Mr. President. We cannot let these people back into society. That’s just not possible. It’s too dangerous. They’ll see an American woman walking down the street who isn’t wearing one of those beekeeper suits and they’ll go all “hamas” and blow up a car. These are dangerous people. They can make a bomb out of anything. They are like little brown, freedom-hating McGuyvers. Why would we endanger our citizens, Mr. Obama? Making them our slaves is the only possible way for America, home of the free, to be avenged.

Now here is my plan: all of these prisoners go to families that have been affected by the attacks or the war. The prisoners have to endure a life of cleaning American houses. Scrubbing the chrome of the Hummers and SUV’s that they so despise. Preparing the double bacon cheeseburgers that they have railed so long against. Reading Bible stories to your little darling children, the ones whose lives they wanted to destroy.
I’m just keeping the American public in mind, sir. I know how they feel. They feel betrayed. I’m here to raise my fists in anger for the fistless. I’m here to scream ‘freedom’ for the lungless. I’m here to stand for the toeless. I’m here for the people. The people want revenge, sir. These wrongdoers need to be punished somehow. If you will recall the events of September the 11th and the way you felt then there is nothing more patriotic than penalizing these freedom-haters. I know that when those towers fell a single tear came to my eye. I got up from my chair, picked up the phone and I bought up all the tiny flags I could get my hands on and sold them right back to the weeping public. Listen, I don’t know how they do it in Hawaii but this is how freedom works in America, Mr. Obama. So I urge you to please give this letter strong consideration in your first one hundred days of office.

P.S. If the slavery thing hits a little too close to home for you, Mr. Obama, I have another idea! We force these prisoners to go through a twenty-four hour airport security simulation. Only then can they fully experience the horrors their actions have led to.