I let my boot scrape on the ground as I kicked a stone ahead of me. It rolled over the cracks before skidding to a stop against a stick. I lifted up my gaze to see the irritating glow of sunlight bouncing off of every surface. Immediately, I pulled my hood up over my head and redirected my gaze. Winter is good for one thing only, gloominess, and today January was even failing at that.

Soon, my footsteps began to feel heavier and I slowed. Looking up, I saw the masses of students scurrying towards the doors. I reached my hand over my shoulder, letting my fingers curl around the familiar rubber. Sliding the headphones over my ears brought an immediate tranquil feeling over the scene. I took a deep breath and started through the looming doorway.

Immediately heads turned and lips began to dance. I could feel the jeering comments tearing into my skin to the steady beat of rock in my ears. Abruptly I yanked up my hood, a safety net within the chaos.

First hour math. I could feel the spit wads continually bouncing off my back like the steady patter of rain, each piece striking my sweatshirt and then crashing to the floor. By the end of class, the small pieces of paper littered the ground all around me like the last few falls of April snow that nobody appreciates.  

Just like everyday that came before, the morning flew by as teachers rambled on and the world revolved around me like a motion picture in a foreign language. I never take the time to think about what is happening around me, I just recognize that I am not a part of it. People are complicated and confusing, a topic I would rather leave untouched. 

Eventually, I found myself seated in Shakespearean Literature. From my place in the corner I had a panoramic view of the classroom all around. While the teacher read aloud, I let my finger trace the lines of ink in Romeo and Juliet, but the love story was not what was holding my attention. 3 rows in front of me, I saw two heads leaned in close together, passing a whisper beneath carefully shielding hands. Their shoulders shook with laughter and I felt a strong desire to be sitting there like them. How nice it must be to be normal, to not be the butt of everyone’s joke, and to have friends at school. Instantly, she came to my mind. Sada, my best friend.

I fell paralyzed to the images of her playing through my head, each one repeating over and over in a constant loop of memories. I pictured Sada’s long blonde braids lying next to me on the floor as we cracked jokes about boys and the most recent fashion trends to which neither of us obliged. I saw us out in the darkness, running through the rain while trying to stay upright despite our most crippling laughter, and I felt her arms wrap around me as we sat on a couch, crying, and acknowledging how we were just different and no matter how hard we tried, we would never fit in. 

The bond that Sada and I had was unbreakable. Even though she was homeschooled, we were constantly together. And despite the typically busy schedules of the 21st century, we prided ourselves in our ability to still find time to hang out every single  day. I was always there to entertain her and keep her caught up on the public school drama, making sure that she never felt too lost against her solitary piles of textbooks and papers at home. She was there for me when my father died, and when people made fun of me at school she was the first to come running to my support. She was my biggest supporter, my everything...

Immediately I jumped up from my desk, knocking the chair into the wall with a clatter that could disrupt the deepest hibernation, shaking the room. 

“No no no…” I stammered as I ran out into the hall. I could feel myself succumbing to the lies. 

Each step kicked off the ground as I felt dizzy, unaware. I saw faces staring at me through classroom windows. Rounding the last corner, I yanked on the bathroom door and ran up to the sink. Placing my hands on the edges of the cool porcelain, I gazed at my reflection in the mirror. 

“It’s not real, none of it’s real!” I screamed in my head, the pressure building. 

Squeezing my eyes shut as tight as I could I leaned forwards and let the icy water bounce off my cheekbones.

“GO AWAY!” I yelled into the water. 

I let my mind wander, travelling back to the first day I had met my therapist and we talked about Sada. I was sick, she had said, but we could fix it. Sada had never existed in the world outside my head, but she existed to me. She was real to me! For years I carried her with me everyday, a figment of my imagination that crippled my ability to be present in everyday society. Thinking back, I had lost everything. 

Reaching into my back pocket, I pulled out a bottle of pills--Quetiapine. Shaking the bottle, one lone capsule fell out and I tilted my head back and tossed it in. Swallowing hard, I stepped back from the sink until my back hit the wall. I let my knees crumple and I fell to the floor. 

“No, no, no…” I repeated over and over again like a broken record player left unattended. 

Hearing the door creak, I looked over to the corner and saw a girl step in and freeze, staring at me. Long blonde braids fell in front of her shoulders, framing her face. 

Sada.

A sharp shrill rang out into the air and I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was me who screamed. Forcing myself to ignore her, I grabbed my head between my knees and curled into a ball, my best attempt to block out the hallucinations. 

I could feel the room getting colder, darker. 

“Don’t acknowledge her. She isn’t real,” I repeated out loud just as I had practiced thousands of times. 

As hard as I tried to convince myself of my words, all I wanted to do was run out to her, to let her hold me in her warm, safe, arms as I cried. Salty rivers erupted into a  flow down my cheeks. Hugging my legs tighter, I began to rock back and forth, all the while repeating to myself, “It isn’t real. She isn’t real.”

I fell into such a state of disassociation that I hardly noticed when several members of school authority filed into the room. At that point, I fell victim to my exhaustion as I let the world cloud over and go black around me. 

I jolted awake, sitting up fast in a dark room. My head swiveled in all directions, trying to get my bearings. Frantically, my arms felt all around but only turned up pillows and blankets. I reached up and wiped the perspiration from my face, letting myself take a deep breath.

 It was just a dream, the same one that had haunted me every night all summer. One of the worst days of my life played over and over again, my own personal hell. 

I  leaned back hard into my cloud of pillows. That was the last day I had been in public school. Following that fateful day I had to take months off of school, setting my way behind my classmates. I eventually joined an online program and never looked back, or...at least, I tried not to. 

Rolling onto my side, I saw the faint red glow across the room reading 6:32. Still early, but there was no way I could sleep now. I decided I should just get up to shower, to let the hot water melt away the remnants of the dream. 

Today was going to be a good day. It had to be. It’s the first day of school, but everything should be better now that we have left Iowa for a larger city. A new city. No one knows me here, I can have a fresh start. I have the chance to avoid the harsh words and stereotypes that followed me around everyday in Iowa. I might actually have a chance to fit in here. 

When I got out of the steamy water, I stood in my towel, staring at my closet. At one end, all of my typical clothes were lined up--baggy jeans and oversized sweatshirts--but at the other end, there sat several new shirts and even a new pair of skinny jeans. 

I threw on a sweater and the new jeans and stared at my reflection in the mirror. It was definitely different, but it wasn’t right. It wasn’t the real me. In mere seconds I had removed the miserable outfit to be replaced with more pleasing attire. Well, more pleasing to me at least and that’s what matters. Feeling rather comfortable in my giant Aerosmith sweatshirt and headphones, I gathered my belongings and began a casual stroll down the lane to the high school. 

As I got close enough to see the school, I paused. Today was all about my fresh start. I threw off my hood and carefully tucked my headphones into my backpack while looping my hair behind my ears. There was an extra hop in my step as I continued the rest of the way to the school.

I did something completely different today; I walked through the school doors with my head held high and a smile. This time, when people stared at me, I knew it was because I was the new kid and not just the freak. Today was going to be not only good, but a great day. I finally had a chance to fit in, to be normal again. Hudson High, please be good to me, I prayed under my breath.

Heading into the main office, I was handed my schedule and assigned a tour guide by the name of Rob. 

Rob managed to show me through the many halls of the building but he was definitely not the social type. I tried to start a conversation a few times but each attempt failed miserably. I didn’t mind, though, because the halls were all brilliantly decorated with artwork and murals, catching my complete attention. 

Much to my pleasure, Rob wrapped up the tour quickly and dropped me off only halfway through first period art class. The teacher introduced me to a few students and assigned me a workspace near the center of the classroom. Pipe cleaners and ceramics lined every surface but to me, it felt just like home. 

The next few classes were similar. Teachers introduced me, I would hold basic conversations with the students around me, and then everyone would move on. With the exception, of course, of the few kids who would continue to ramble on next to me until the end of class, catching me up on drama of people who were no more to me than just names without faces--fictional characters in this seemingly perfect reality. Really, I was just happy to have people to talk to, especially since it seemed like in some of my classes, students enjoyed talking with me as well. All of the bustling movement from the thousands of people made it nearly impossible to even relate this school to my old one. I appreciated that. There were definitely more students in this high school than the entire population of my old town!

Sitting down at lunch, I found a quiet table off to the side. A few kids had talked to me in my morning classes but I felt like sitting by myself today would seem rather peaceful. I gazed around the cafeteria and saw people laughing and talking with their friends. Some kids sat in couples while others in groups, but it didn’t matter because they were all happy. 

For once, I felt like I belonged somewhere. No one was making fun of me, and I actually felt rather normal. Who knew being average could feel so good? I laughed out loud, but let it quickly die away as a more solemn mood fell over me. 

I began to realize how much I had really missed out on, stolen from me by my hallucinations. There was a whole different world out here just waiting for me now that I had finally escaped the maze of my mind. I would do anything to stay like this now, completely aware and present. The idea of getting trapped within the delusions again scared the sh*t out of me. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing myself again. 

Having fallen deep into thought, I was startled when I heard a voice address me from behind. 

“Hey! You’re the new girl...Willow, right? I’m Teresa!”

I twirled my head around to see two girls standing next to each other. The one who had spoken had dark beautiful ringlets framing her face. I glanced up at her emerald green eyes to reply, “Yeah! I am! Nice to meet you!”

Teresa beamed back at me and slid onto the cafeteria bench on the other side of the table. She was super tall and seemed like the kind of girl who would end up working in a law firm someday, confidently striding around in pencil skirts and high heels while defending her clients. 

“This here is my friend! ...she’s a bit shy... Mind if we join you?” Teresa asked enthusiastically. 

The other girl slid onto the bench right next to Teresa and I looked at her, carefully taking in her features for the first time. My eyes locked on the blonde braids that gracefully framed either side of her face. 

A shiver ran down my spine and immediately I felt every muscle in my body go tense. I sat, frozen in utter dismay as the girl extended her arm towards me and spoke aloud for the first time. The familiar voice rang in my ears.

“Hi, my name is Sada.”