TEMPE, AZ–After many years of public school teaching children meaningless curriculum, the new school board meeting has forced public schools to change their curriculum. Members of the school board have touted the curriculum as “actually useful” and “much different” than the previous curriculum being taught to children. 

This is an extreme change from the district’s previous curriculum. The school’s new curriculum will now focus on skills necessary for adulthood such as providing children with knowledge of tax returns, traffic educational classes, basic cooking skills, and much more. Now, children in Tempe’s school district will be taught an “actually useful” curriculum. 

“As members of the school board meeting, we have taught our children useless things for too long and it’s time to make a change,” head of the school board Bob Rob said. “Years of teaching kids our former curriculum has left them challenged to handle things that will actually happen in the real world.” “Now is the time our children were actually taught something useful,”  continued Rob. “It’s time that they actually obtained skills they will use in adult life.”

After several years of academic research, it has been found that the new curriculum that will go into effect at the start of next school year will be the most effective to date. The new curriculum has been statistically shown to not only increase children’s ability to gain knowledge of tasks necessary in adulthood, but also raise their enjoyability of going to school. That’s right mom and dad, no more worrying about little Billy skipping class any time soon. 

Now available at any school within the Tempe district, your child can receive an education that is “actually useful” to them for the future. “Parents will notice a difference after just a few months of the new curriculum installed in our school system,” said head of the school board Bob Rob. “Whether it’s your kid’s knowledge of cooking meals, or talks at the dinner table about tax returns, your child will be prepared for what is next.” “Oh wait, maybe school is not all about fractions and decimals, maybe it’s time we teach our kids something of damn use.” Added Rob, “The school’s new curriculum will make your children smarter than you.” 

Approval of parents has already been demonstrated as they have taken to the streets of Tempe to show their happiness. There are several more school board meetings scheduled before the start of the new school year. The school board encourages parents to attend these meetings as members of the board can answer any questions parents may have about the new curriculum starting next school year. 

While reactions have been mostly positive, there is a small minority of parents echoing disapproval of the new curriculum. “There is no actual plan that this new curriculum has,” said a disgruntled parent in an interview with us earlier today. While parents like her may be mad, no matter what the new curriculum will be starting next school year. 

It will take a few years to see the effects of the new curriculum in place. The curriculum is up for a retention election in four years. For the foreseeable future, this curriculum will be the way forward in Tempe, and appears to be moving around the country. Only time will tell whether this curriculum will be deemed a success. 

Self Reflection

The title of the article I modeled my essay after was “Johson & Johnson Introduced ‘Nothing but Tears’ Shampoo to Toughen Up Newborns”. This article was written by The Onion. I found it challenging to decide what topic to model the essay after. I found it easy after I decided on the topic of school curriculum, however I struggled to initially pick a topic. I never felt discouraged by the structure of the article that I modeled. The reason I picked this article was not based on interest, however the ability to model it. Originally, I thought there may be some struggle to model my own writing, and not copy too much of the original article. This did not turn out to be a challenge and I feel that my work is quite original from the actual article. 

I found the realism of this article to be very rewarding. Education now is such a controversial topic especially about what should and should not be taught to children. To take such a debated topic and make fun of it I found to be rewarding in my writing. Another aspect that I found rewarding was the freedom of creativity that I could use in my writing. So much in academics we rarely write for pleasure. Because this was a humor essay, I found it actually enjoyable to write about a made up topic in my head. 

The Onion’s article helped me with my writing. It served as a realistic professional model of journalism. The article covered Johnson & Johnson releasing a shampoo that was made to toughen new-borns. I found the article to be helpful as it was humorous, and contained many literary devices that I used in my writing. 

Instead of talking about a product, I chose to cover a controversial topic in education. While my writing followed a similar structure to the professional article, it differed greatly in actual content. Some more ways I differentiated my writing from the article was here and there, using different humor devices to create authenticity in my own writing. 

Works Cited

“Johnson & Johnson Introduces ‘Nothing but Tears’ Shampoo to Toughen Up Newborns.” The 

Onion 15 Aug. 2008, theonion.com/johnson-johnson