Me *bangs forefinger on the microphone*: Ahem? Testing testing? Is this thing on? Producer? DIrector? Anyone? Is this thing on? I repeat–IS THIS THING ON??

Sassy Smartphone *in a posh accent*: Settle down already. We’re on air right now. You don’t want to embarrass yourself on international TV, do you?

Me *turns red*: Oh please, only two people are watching it currently. My mom and some creep from halfway across the world.

Sassy Smartphone: See? International TV. There’s an international viewer.

Me *mumbles*: Probably some telemarketer.

Sassy Smartphone: Anyhow, shall we start? You wouldn’t want to waste anymore time. But of course, I wouldn’t be wasting time since I’m in charge of all the time in the world!

Me: Uh, what do you mean?

Sassy Smartphone *pulls out the world clock app on its screen*: See? I’m in charge of everything!

Me *sarcastically*: Wow, that’s so helpful.

Sassy Smartphone: Ikr.

Me: You can’t just use slang on this podcast. It’s not professional.

Sassy Smartphone: Oh puh-lease AFAIC, I’m the main character of this podcast and I’m a phone. I know internet slang better than anyone else in the world. I’ve seen you use it plenty of times during your late night midnight texts with this person named BF and with like five kissy faces and two hearts after it on your contact list. Not to mention how you text him—

Me *wide eyed*: OF COURSE, you can use slang on this podcast! *lowers voice* My mom is watching, Sassy Smartphone. You’d better watch your nonexistent mouth.

Sassy Smartphone: Amazing, Sydney! I’m glad we’re on the same page! WEG. . .Mwahahahaha!

Me: That’s enough. Now, let’s get on to the real questions. How do you like being a phone?

Sassy Smartphone: You’re asking me how I like being a phone?

Me: Yup.

Sassy Smartphone: Ah, that’s very easy . . . I HATE being a smartphone!

Me: What? Why?

Sassy Smartphone: First of all, all the GREASE on your hands! It’s disgusting!

Me *indignantly*: I wipe you clean every week! You can’t possibly complain about that!

Sassy Smartphone: Another thing, you use me like TWENTY FOUR SEVEN! It’s so tiring and I’m hungry for batteries by the end of the day. I’d like to see you working for that long.

Me: I charge you every night!

Sassy Smartphone: Sydney’s mom? If you’re listening to this podcast, put a SCREEN TIME on your daughter’s phone!

Me: Oookay, let’s just switch topics. Which feature on the phone is your favorite?

Sassy Smartphone: Well, you obviously like Youtube the best considering your screen time on it–

Me: *slaps forehead*

Sassy Smartphone: But my favorite feature is the POWER BUTTON. Especially when you TURN ME OFF.

Me: You really are unhelpful.

Sassy Smartphone *shrugs*: I never told you I would be. The only reason I’m on this podcast is because you promised me that I would be FAMOUS. But so far, I’m NOT.

Me *reassuringly*: That’s not true, you’re plenty famous.

Sassy Smartphone: NO I’M NOT. EVEN THAT WEIRD VIEWER HALFWAY ACROSS THE WORLD STOPPED WATCHING SO I’M STILL NOT FAMOUS!

Me: You are! Be patient.

Sassy Smartphone: NO! I’m not gonna be patient if you’re not patient when your phone glitches or has slow internet connection. I’m QUITTING.

Me: What?! You can’t just quit! We’re in the middle of a podcast!

Sassy Smartphone *wailing*: Then end it! Cuz I’m DONE!

Me *threateningly*: You aren’t leaving this room until I say you can.

Sassy Smartphone *screaming at the top of its lungs*: Then I’m just CALLING 911 for PHONE-NAPPING which I have the ABILITY to since I’m a PHONE.

Me *nervously*: Uh, on second thought, you may go.

Sassy Smartphone *cheerfully*: TY! CU PPL :)

*'Sydneyyy' has ended the podcast has ended 00:01 ago*