He actually took me out on a real date. A picnic, simple but effective, in a small field next to our church. I knew I could get through to Bryan and he'd take me out. Our relationship isn’t a secret, we just don’t talk about it. We both wanna go through the motions together without everyone asking questions. I hate when people ask a lot of questions about me and fortunately he doesn't ask any. I can see his truck in the church parking lot 30 steps away. It’s the only thing in the parking lot. The blanket under us looks as white as my long skirt. It’s surprisingly clean so it must not be his. He’s never cared much about cleanliness and you’d know that looking at the faded stains on his white tank top and jeans. I’ve never been bothered by it. He brought real food in a basket instead of going to a fast food place like always. I ate all of the fruit quickly and he’s working on a bagel. I wipe my mouth with a napkin and I brush brown strands of hair off my tight fitting yellow t-shirt. I notice his blue eyes, slightly obscured by blond hair, lingering a little below my eye level. 

“My mom gave it to me.”

“Um-” he interjects.

“It's her old cross necklace.”

“Right the- it’s really pretty.” He says quickly. He looks a little nervous. I’m starting to wonder why he agreed to a picnic since I’m sure it’s not something he would do himself. After a brief silence he reaches into the basket and he’s holding something inside it. “Don’t freak out, I really wanna do this with you. If you love me you’ll understand.” He takes out a gun. I focus on the revolver as he puts a single bullet in the chamber and spins it before putting it back in place. I understand what’s happening and fear makes me tense up. He extends his hand holding the barrel of the gun and pointing the handle at me. He looks at me expectantly. This situation has already escalated and I need to keep him calm. I can’t make myself say yes but I don’t wanna say no so I don’t say anything and just go along with it. Trepidatiously I reach forward and grab the handle of the gun. 

“Laura you put it to your head and-” he stops talking when I channel all my fear into an annoyed sigh for thinking he had to explain Russian roulette to me. “Sorry,” he apologies quickly. I’m not stupid but I am dumb enough to be in this situation. I realize I’m not sure exactly what outcome he wants but I don’t have time to think about that. Right now I have to get through this no matter how unpleasant it is. I calm my nerves as much as I can by repeatedly praying that my life is meant for more than this. I pull the trigger and a second later I breathe in through my nose and feel that I’m still here. I hand the gun back to him and he smiles slightly menacingly and he continues the game. I feel dread that I’m gonna die rising every time I feel the gun but there’s also a calming feeling that each time I feel it that means this is closer to being over. After a few passes I take the gun and it’s a 50-50 shot. Either way this'll be over. I pull the trigger for the last time. I’m not dead. I take a deep breath and make sure he sees how relieved I am that I’m alive. 

“That feel good?” He says taking the gun back. He shoots it up in the air and the sound deafens my ears, scattering my thoughts, and I can’t respond to him. He smiles and stands up taking the basket. “See you around,” he says casually as he puts the gun in the basket and walks away. I sit dumbfounded as I watch him go to the parking lot, start up his truck, and just drive off like nothing happened. The relief I felt a minute ago is gone, replaced by the horror of it all. Bryan didn’t care if I lived or died. He just wanted to do that. That might be all he wanted with me. I felt like I was gonna die and it was just a game to him.