I believe in true love. I’ve always have.
But I just stood there when he walked away from me. He turned his head slightly back and to the side and I could see a sliver of his warm eyes, now trying to stop a dam of tears from breaking free. The suburban street started to feel so small when all the trees seemed to have a life of their own. The air got the chills and then gave them to me. I shook with both disbelief and acceptance- I knew this was coming, but it was just so hopeless, so sad.
I closed my eyes, which landed heavily on my bottom eyelids. I could have said something. I should have.
I didn’t.
The 30 second black and white scene still plays behind my eyes late at night when the cats find a buffet in our graffiti trashcans. A single tear is always resting on my cheek, shaking and finally escaping from the shame of it all. I can’t take the sadness. I mean, I see those love movies when love conquers all and unrequited love always ends up in a stomach-twisting kiss.
But it’s different. Life is different. Life is sad. Life kills you. You suffer and you cry. I wish it didn’t have to be like that. I really wish it didn’t. These love scenes in the movies make you cry, but when a real heart breaks, the earth quakes a little. Reason doesn’t make sense anymore. Everything just disappears and you feel like you are in a black hole.
I thought it was easier than this. High school relationships aren’t supposed to be this dramatic, with this much love attached to the story. Well, maybe in an alternative universe.
The irony in all of this is that I broke my own heart. Maybe in a little part of my mind, I couldn’t take the fact that a guy so wonderful would like me. I still wonder if he was my true love. But, I was just too scared to put my heart in an open field.
It’s not often you hear of someone breaking their own heart. But I did. I shook it, and I told it couldn’t be happy. I killed it.
It’s hard to tell my story. Stubbornness always got the best of me and then came back and smirked at me.
My heart tried to tell me. It told me to stop before it got too far, and she told me to stop him.
I asked my heart how it could possibly know what is the right thing to do. I asked my heart why I was even thinking of breaking my then-boyfriend’s heart. I cried when I asked my heart if he was my true love. If he was, I would have lost him forever. Do you ever get a second chance?
My heart was quiet for a while until suddenly it said that it can only give me advice, not make my choices. I was angry at my heart. I couldn’t make a decision, and then finally, I did.
I never did stop him. I just dangled in the wind and watched his body hunch and I watched him until he disappeared. By then, I couldn’t hold myself up and fell. I sat with my legs twirled around me and my head hung low just above the black road.
I should’ve listened to my heart.