I cannot begin to describe the injustice, cruelty, and abuse I have faced because of some exaggerated and incompetent story telling. People will come up to me to this day and vehemently state that I alone am the root of all evil. Yeah, right. Like "the man" himself had nothing to do with it. If you want to know the truth, the whole thing was his idea.
It was a sunny day in the garden when he approached me and confessed that he didn't think he could rule over an entire universe. A country, maybe, but not an entire universe. He told me he had overestimated his abilities as the all knowing omnipotent creator. Then he told me his brilliant plan. Well, I thought it was brilliant at the time when he promised me eternal life…in retrospect, I realize it's done me more harm than good.
He explained to me how he planed to create two equally flawed human beings; a male and a female. I was to lure the female over to an apple tree he would tell her was off limits. In all honesty, it was just a random apple tree. No more immoral than any of the other trees. He made her intentionally rebellious so that she wouldn't be able to resist the thrill of breaking the rules. Right after he told me this, I asked him why it had to be the female that was the problem child. "I don't want my sex to be the one discriminated against by future societies," he said, "I need to keep up the credibility." He went on to explain that creating a scapegoat for future generations would also relieve him of the burden of messing up, which he inevitability would do. After all, it's just one man on the job. That would be like asking the manager of Human Resources to run the entire company.
I also asked him what role the male would play in the destruction of humanity. He said the male was more of a prop. He would be someone that futures generations of women could point to in oder to prove that they weren't completely responsible for all the problems in the world. After all, if he planned to keep his job as Creator of the Universe, he had to gain following amongst half the world's population. Looking back, it was a great P.R. move.
So the day came when I was supposed to lure Eve, as he decided to name her, to eat from the forbidden tree. Just like he expected, she ate to her heart's content. She didn't only have one apple, she had about three. About ten minutes into her apple binge, Adam (The male, who, if I'm honest, was not as smart and talented as his female companion) came over telling Eve that they weren't allowed to eat from that tree. "Thou shall not eat the forbidden fruit!" Eve just looked at him and called him a square, to which he responded, "I know you are, but what am I?" Witty comebacks were never his strong suit. After some peer pressure, Adam gave in and joined Eve in eating the apples.
After watching Adam take his first bite, father proceeded to yell at the both of them and make a scene, which made them feel very embarrassed in front of their new friend, yours truly. In fact , they became embarrassed of being naked in front of each other, which is weird to me because I'm naked all the time and think nothing of it. Obviously, because I was his accomplice, he never punished me. So that whole thing about being sentence to a life without legs…total bull. Like I said, incompetent story telling.
That's the real story. I'm finally breaking my silence after six thousand years. At least that's the number of years he wants you to believe. I think he's insecure about revealing his real age. I knew that none of the blame would be place on him (that would defeat the whole purpose) but the writers could have at least made me seem a bit more faceted than the archetypal evil villain. They could have thrown in that I was a good listener and a loyal friend. Maybe even the anecdote about the time I spared that mouse's life. I know that a very severe "Old Testament God" type punishment awaits me for coming out, but whatever hell he has waiting for me will certainly be a lot better than the mistreatment I have been facing my entire life here on earth.

Steve