In the voice of a college all-star quarter back:

Blue 42! Blue 42! Hut, hut, hike! Back, back, back. Who’s open? Who’s open? Jay! He’s wide open! Pass it! UGH! And then I get sacked…but I can hear the stand’s rooting getting louder and louder. I think he’s gonna do it! He’s gonna go all that way! The stands erupt with cheers! Touchdown! We score! Game over! We’re national champions! This is amazing! What? I’m MVP? This is the best day of my life! God bless football!

In the voice of a varsity cheerleader class of 1979:

GO CATS! YEAH! Home run! What? Oh! I mean, touchdown! I hope I look alright. I spent, like, 30 minutes styling my hair into, like, the perfect ponytail. I mean, I have to look totally groovy because, like, everyone came out to the game tonight and is pretending to enjoy the game just so they can see me. Oh, I thought up a new cheer. Here it goes. “Ready? Ok! 1, 2, 3, 4. I don’t even know the score. 5, 6, 7, 8. All that matters is that I look great!”

In the voice of a social outcast who used to be popular but now resents everyone:

Why is everyone so happy? It’s just a stupid football game. A pointless waste of my time watching dumb jocks run around in tight pants and touch each other with those ditzy, blonde cheerleaders get to wear super short skirts and flirt with everyone. I don’t see what the big deal is. I should be at home, listening to Zeppelin instead of at this stupid football game.

In the voice of a member of the marching band:

What time is it? GAME TIME! Well, really it’s half time but to us it’s game time! We march onto the field with perfectly straight lines, executing all direction changes and about-faces, all to the beat of a flawless tempo. Last game of the season and I’m a senior. Leaving for college this year will be like leaving my family. Through all the tears for our last game, we play our hearts out…for the last time.