When I found the Gauntlet, I didn’t mean for the world to go to hell, honest. I was just looking for some fun, be a hero, get some girls. I’d dropped out of law school, what did you think I was gonna do? Alright, let me back up reader, because you’re probably getting this way too early for it to be effective. Let’s see where do I start, and how do I write this? Hmmm, think, think, think! Alright, here goes. A week back, in 2011, I had just dropped out of law school (okay, I was kicked out for attempted kidnapping, but I just wanted to have something I could remember that wasn’t about Parliament). Knowing very well the shame I would be put in from my parents, I moved, changed my name, and got a job as a mechanic, using quite a bit of my bachelor’s degree in the interview (What could you contribute to the company? “Anything. I have a bachelor’s degree.” Do you have any experience? “I have a bachelor’s degree”). It was a miracle I got hired at all. So there I was one day, really tired and peeved, when oil splattered in my face from an old Mercury Mistque. “Oh, @%^#$^%!” I cried so loud they must have heard it at rush hour. Of course, that really didn’t help because then the oil got in my mouth. As I went to work scrubbing away with a wire brush, I noticed something in the mirror which for some reason reminded me of high school. Remembering an urban legend called “The Jinx” (two boys wandered into an old hospital and found an ethereal artifact that would end the world when used, so they sealed it away in a mirror-like pocket dimension) I decided to live up to my days of yore. If I hadn’t, we would all be living happily ever after. I looked into the mirror’s grime, and said the “Cursed Words”. “Endless might, eternal night, come and give this world a fright!” And then it happened. The pieces of the broken and cracked mirror fused together, and out came a gauntlet. It was pure white, with golden patterns etched into it. Its fingertips were blunt, yet I knew how powerful it must be. I slipped it on. The gauntlet instantly shrunk, molding to my flesh, becoming like a skintight glove. Amazingly, it didn’t hurt, even though I knew it should hurt like fire. “This should hurt.” I said. And just like that, it hurt. Hurt to my very core, the bone feeling like it was on fire. “AAAAHHHH!” I screamed, which in itself made my ears bleed. “IT HAS TO STOP IT HAS TO STOP!” And it started numbing, slowly but gradually, until it started cranking to a very basic pain. “Weird.” I said. I glanced in the mirror and saw my oil splattered face. “My face is completely clean.” I whispered, not understanding why the gauntlet worked, but that it did. For those of you who don’t understand animation, it is made up of many frames, so you can essentially go into a frame and alter one thing, and it affects the rest of the animation. It was almost like I had gone into that next frame and removed the oil. “Mathematical.” I said, staring in disbelief. Whatever I said became the truth. I immediately realized what I could do. “I am in Las Vegas.” The scenery around me changed in a whirlwind, the rust of the bathroom and smell of old paint changing into neon lights and the smells of gasoline, beer, and money. “Viva!” I shouted, heading into the nearest strip club.
Now, needless to say, reader, after hitting just that place I had a lot of scores under my belt. The details are many and sleazy, so I won’t go into them, but I will give you the basics. I went into a very basic routine of “I already paid.” with the women in there, and soon I had done everyone in the place, even the lesbian customers, which took quite a bit of convincing and universe-altering, mind you. I then went out of the place, and went into the King’s Castle Casino. After telling the dealer how I had a hundred tokens, and altered the rules of blackjack so that “the customer always won”. I quickly made enough money to be able to go into a 20,000 a night Penthouse. The décor was not very nice, so I just said “This place’s theme is King Midas” and then the chairs were instantly changed into spray painted golden thrones, the desk became gold, and the computer was upgraded into a model that wouldn’t come out for years. “I could get used to this” I muttered. If I hadn’t said that, the place would still be in business. When I woke up, I was beneath tons of glittery, jewel-encrusted rubble. What went wrong? I asked myself. Then I remembered how I had altered the place to be made out of gold. So that was it! It would take a diamond foundation to support that kind of weight! “I’m out.” And just like that, I was huddled with the other victims. They were all soot stained, one was being treated for black lung, and one was puking his guts out. And I had caused that? I vowed to only use my powers for good, never for personal gain (yeah, like you wouldn’t). “Everyone has hot pockets.” Hey, if you think that was selfish, you have no idea what a good comfort food a hot pocket can be. When I got home to my new apartment (Everyone who worked at the Midas got one, with a suspicious 3 years rent paid for already. This, I learned, came to be known as the Midas Event, which would probably have been spoken of in the same light as Nessie, Bigfoot, and aliens.) Alright, time to get rational. I needed to get the gauntlet off. “The gauntlet is off.” Nothing happened. This was clearly something I needed to understand before I used it. I started reviewing what I knew:
1.
The gantlet was magical.
2.
When I wore it, whatever I said became the truth.
3.
This could have severe penalties, as shown for the Midas Casino, now Midas Rubble.
4.
I couldn’t wish the gauntlet off.
Well, this was going to be fun. “The world will be at peace from now until 100 years after I die.” Not long enough, that’s only one hundred and seventy years. “I do not age or get sick until I say otherwise.” Days later, the world was in chaos. The U.S had been bought up by all the other countries due to the lack of violent and forceful options, and the other countries were completely crazy about who got what, an assassination attempt happening every few hours. “This is giving me a headache” Ugh. Migraine. “I have aspirin. Wait, scratch that, I don’t have my headache anymore.” It was gone. I needed to make the best out of this situation. “I know everything about the gauntlet. Nothing. Then I realized a new rule: I could not say things concerning the gauntlet. “HA!” I said. “I unwittingly tricked you into giving me the last rule. Now I am an amazing person, I am a hero to mankind… Oh crap.” My suit started stretching, shrinking, becoming tighter and looser. And there I was, standing in a cape and tights, with a stylized TM™. Truth Master. “Ha ha. Very funny.” And then, as I saw myself in that outfit, I felt compelled to laugh. “Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s so funny I could die. Wait, no!” But I couldn’t stop laughing; I had to keep laughing at the sheer ridiculousness. Had to laugh, it was so damn funny. I had to laugh until… CRACK! My sides split. I was still laying there on the floor, yuk-yukking to the very end.
I died laughing.