Characters:
Ribeye – The vendor that sells different brand sweatshirts at an absurd price. He convinces people to buy them by insisting that they will need one for the impending season.
Mashed Potatoes – A former businessman who tries to maintain parts of his old routine in this unfamiliar, disorderly world. Particularly fond of his newspaper form before.
Strawberry Milkshake – A lost soul who wanders the cities looking for a purpose, anything to keep wandering. He is the left over cookie dough and so is a little unique from others.

Prelude:
The scene is a dismal on, ruined skyscrapers, little movement in a once bustling cities, and a coldness that can only be filled by the now absent population. Obviously an apocalyptic to post-apocalyptic world where time from Christ doesn’t matter. There are two men on the scene; one lies on his back on a bench, face covered in a newspaper that matches his surroundings. The other is fiddling behind kiosk of some sort, seemingly preparing for a day of work. After rummaging for a bit the latter person looks up and calls out to a crowd only seen by him.
Ribeye – SWEATSHIRTS!
(at this loud call the other man takes his newspaper off and sits up, looking at the vendor)
Ribeye – SWEATSHIRTS!
(after the second call the once horizontal man gets up and walks over to the vendor to ask a question)
Mashed Potatoes – When did you lose them?
Ribeye – Who?
Mashed Potatoes – Sweatshirts.
Ribeye – No, I have them.
Mashed Potatoes – Then why are you calling for them?
(at this point a third, larger, person enters and joins in the conversation)
Mashed Potatoes – Did someone else lose them?
Strawberry Milkshake – What did you lose?
Mashed Potatoes – Sweatshirts!
Ribeye – No! I have them.
Strawberry Milkshake – Then why are we looking for them?
Ribeye – I’m not.
Mashed Potatoes – Then who is?
Ribeye – (pointing at both men) You are.
Mashed Potatoes and Strawberry Milkshake – (simultaneously) Me? (pointing at one another) You? (confidently pointing at themselves) Me.
Mashed Potatoes – Who am I?
Ribeye – Why the consumer of course!
Mashed Potatoes – Of what?
Ribeye – (clearly annoyed) Sweatshirts!
Mashed Potatoes – Why would I want to consume a sweatshirt?
Ribeye – Why, winter is coming!
Mashed Potatoes – (matter of factly states) It is always coming.
Ribeye – So, you’ll take one?
Mashed Potatoes – I think I have to. What have you got?
Ribeye – (pulling a sweatshirt from behind the kiosk that is clearly labeled ACT) This is our best Standard Size. The ACT (pronounced like one word, as in what an actor does) brand.
Mashed Potatoes – (eager to get his hands on it, reaches out greedily) Let me try it on right now.
(The vendor hands the sweatshirt over to the customer who proceeds to put it on)
Mashed Potatoes – This feels incredible on me!
Strawberry Milkshake – It looks even better. Is there room in there for me?
Mashed Potatoes – (directs the question at the vendor, ignoring the other’s advancements) How much?
Strawberry Milkshake – I’m very flexible. (obviously winks at the customer trying on the sweatshirt)
Mashed Potatoes – No! The price. How much is it?
Ribeye – Eight hundred.
Mashed Potatoes – Thousand?!
Ribeye – Dollars.
Mashed Potatoes – (he gets out his wallet only to find it full of dust) Seems as though I am a little short. (desperately looks around and notices the newspaper he left on his bench. Walks over and picks it up) Would you accept a trade instead?
Ribeye – (intrigued by the idea of a trade) What do you have in mind?
Mashed Potatoes – My newspaper, from before.
Ribeye – Well I wou-
(the customer interrupts before the vendor finished his answer)
Mashed Potatoes – Nevermind. That is a price too steep. I’ll leave you and sweatshirts to go about your business without me. (he leaves the vendor and other customer, returning to his bench where he places the newspaper over him and falls back asleep)
Strawberry Milkshake – That sweatshirt looked so fine on him I fancy one for myself.
Ribeye – (jumping at the opportunity to make a sale) I know you will look just as good in one yourself. You can try it on right here.
Strawberry Milkshake – Splendid! Fetch me your finest one. (claps twice as if the vendor was a butler)
Ribeye – (showing off the same sweatshirt that the first customer tried on) Here is the perfect Standard Size. The ever reliable ACT the other fellow tried on.
(the vendor hands the sweatshirt to the customer who then puts on the comically small item of clothing)
Strawberry Milkshake – (struggling to make the sweatshirt fit his oversized body) Doesn’t…Quite…Fit…Right. (gives up and hopefully turns to the vendor) Maybe it will still look good.
Ribeye – (going under his kiosk to pull out a “mirror” – can be pretend or an empty picture frame) Does anything ever feel right?
(The vendor places the “mirror” between himself and the customer. The customer proceeds to improvise some movements into the mirror which are then mirrored by the vendor on the other side)
Strawberry Milkshake – Mirrors always make one look worse than they appear. Perhaps another?
Ribeye – I’m afraid that is the only mirror I have.
Strawberry Milkshake – Another sweatshirt!
Ribeye – Those I still have a couple more of. How about the French and American SAT (pronounced like the past tense of sit)
(the vendor takes the ACT brand from the customer and “switches” it with the SAT brand. Really just changing the label on the same sweatshirt. He returns it to the customer who tries it on, only to find it is just as small as ever.)
Strawberry Milkshake – No, no, no, no, no! This one is even worse.
Ribeye – Of course, don’t worry. I have one more standardized *cough* *cough* I mean Standard Size SAT, with a silent P – it is French you know.
Strawberry Milkshake – Bah! I never was fond of the color white. But I’ll try it on anyways, one really does need to prepare for what is next.
(the vendor switches the SAT for the PSAT in a similar manner as before and the customer tries it on)
Strawberry Milkshake – (now furious at the tedious ordeal) This one feels just like the others. Too small and NOT right for me!
(the vendor takes the sweatshirt from the customer and looks at it)
Ribeye – Et tu SAT?
Strawberry Milkshake – I have had enough of this! I don’t need you over-priced, Standard Size goods to be properly ready. I bid you farewell.
(the customer storms off stage and leaves the vendor alone, holding his solitary sweatshirt)
Ribeye – (looking sadly down upon his sweatshirt) It isn’t our fault he didn’t fit, or that the other didn’t have the proper funds. We can’t be expected to change and tailor to everyone’s individual and unique needs.                                                                                                                  (looking at audience now) I know plenty of you would love to slip into one of my sweatshirts. You all need it, the next season is a harsh one and my sweatshirts are the only items that can get you soundly through it.                                                                                                                     (to himself) That is if they fit.                                                                                                (returning attention to audience) You do want one, don’t you?                                                   (goes out into audience and offers sweatshirt to nearest member) How about you? You seem just the right build to wear this properly. No? too bad, it would have been a good fit.                (moving on to next audience member) What about you, hmmmm? Maybe a Standard Size is just what you need? Are you sure? Fine, I’ll be on my way.                                                       (Vendor returns to stage and yells out in anguish, throwing the sweatshirt to the ground. He begins to jump up and down on it before finally giving up and joining it on the ground)                  I guess you can’t categorize everyone into the same Standard Size. We aren’t clones, everyone is just a little different from one another. Instead of forcing people into the same Standard Size maybe we should accept and celebrate the differences, after all, they are what make us human. Besides, sweatshirts aren’t the only thing you need for winter, why does our society put so much emphasis on them? If we base our preparedness for the next stage in life on just one measurement then we are only prepared for one factor of that stage. People should be given the freedom and help to pick their own clothes, rather than forced to choose and buy a Standard Size sweatshirt, especially one that doesn’t fit.
(after monologue vendor sits a while to let the meaning sink in before slinging sweatshirt over his shoulder and slinking off stage)
(the stage is quiet for a bit, the only person is the first customer who is still asleep on the bench and covered by the newspaper)
Offstage Voice – SHOES!
(at this the first customer wakes up and leaves the stage to investigate the noise)

El FIN