Everyone leaves. That is a lesson I am just now learning the hard way. When I was at home, the only one that left was my brother for college and before that was when my father left too early for me to remember. Now that I am away from home and everyone I trust is leaving, it’s hard to go on. I feel vacant inside and I feel like I am decaying. My bones hurt from the cold -- the cold comes at the worst of times -- and my heart aches from being alone. The leaves are changing and people are leaving. People move on and people die. It’s becoming rarer for people to stay, it seems. So, naturally, I turn to you. You are my comfort, you are my solace. You are my light in the darkness. Friends are nowhere and family is gone when I’m with you. You are all I need. When the cold wind blows and my skin reveals tiny bumps, I am alone. But when I’m with you, I am warm. When I am with you, the rain can thunder down upon us but it will not touch us. When I am with you the coldest snow may fall, but we will radiate our heat.

My love for you is unfathomable, but it’s forbidden, too. I get a thrill when I see you, my heart races, going thump thump thump.  You come and go, but when you are here, my eyes go wide and black, and I know it is you. From one glance, I know. Sometimes, I think I see you, but it’s not and I want to cry. The tears will cascade down my cheeks, but they are invisible. You are my darkest love, my truest form. You are an oddity, something no one but me seems to understand. My dearest one, my solace, don’t let me go. I know you will never leave, but I am afraid I am departing from you. They tell me to, that’s the problem. They tell me of your evil. They tell me you’re not kind to me, but I know that that is a lie. They tell me of your toxicity and I fear them. I should fear you, they tell me, but I just couldn’t. You don’t hurt me. You don’t leave me.

You are my guidance. You are the one to correct me in my wrong-doings and you are the one to caress me carefully, telling me “it’s alright.” I yearn for the closeness I feel with you when I’m with someone else, but I remember it is you who stays. In my darkest of times, when I can’t stop the flood of memories, and I am just about to drown, it is you who grabs my hand. My arm is extended, only for you. The others, they may talk, they may whisper, they may shout, but they are as free as little bubbles. Pop pop pop. I destroy them in my wake of ignorance and they leave me. Even the ones I treasure go pop pop pop. Bubbles do not last forever, but you my friend, you are permanent. You are the constant reminder that things are okay when I am dreaming. I dream most of the day, begging for you. I beg like a weak man, succumbing to one’s addiction. I need you like some need the needle, but when I awake… It is something new. It is when I am awake from these desirous dreams that I realize the cage you have locked me in.

It is in a rusty entrapment, that the rain falls down on me. My hair, my clothes, heavy from the wet. It is when the snow falls and the coldness licks at my feet, that I long for the dreams. The dreams of never being alone. The dreams of hope and solace. The leaves are changing, but the snow is falling. People are leaving and so are you. The rust to my cage breaks from the ice that has entangled it, and I reach out my hand, one last futile attempt for you to rescue me. I let my hand hang there in the air, just for a little while. Tiny bumps cover my skin once more, but I still reach out. My hair is frozen and my breath is stolen, but still, my hand is extended. It is only when I feel as though my whole being will freeze over, that I drop my arm. I close my eyes and I let myself fall.

I try to dream of the warmth and the sunlight, but I see nothing. Instead, I hear. I hear laughter and I hear screams. I hearing crying and I hear bells. I hear a symphony playing and I hear crickets. I hear thunder, I hear the wind. I hear the screams and the bells. I hear the symphony and the wind. I hear the wind and the screams. I hear the symphony and the bells. I hear the wind, I hear the wind. I hear the screams, they get louder. The wind howls and the screams ricochet from my ears. I struggle to move my feet. Sit. Up. That is a goal. I don’t will my eyes to open. I don’t know when I open my eyes if I will see you how I truly love you or if I will see you in their gazes. Their gazes. The gazes of those who left me, but still call out for me. The gazes who see you as nothing but a villain. I want  to tell them they’re wrong, but I am scared now. I am scared of the wet and the cold that you have brought to me. I am scared of the false dreams of warmth that I once thought were you.

There is no escape, it is an endless maze. One turn, right, second turn, left. It never stops. I vy for your warmth, “please come back to me!” I shout, but the words are lost in the cacophony of noise. The wind howls, getting stronger. Another left, another right. The screams are shrieking in my ears, and the wind begs my eyes to open. The refusal of sight is getting weaker and weaker… Until… I open my eyes. I see you. I see you and I might as well cry for joy. You are here, my solace, my… I want to say warmth. I want to call you my warmth and my solace once more, but as I stare at you, even you are rusted. You are cracked at all of the edges, a masterpiece gone wrong. I reach out to you, but you are limp, so I carry you. I hold you in my arms, you are fragile, you are cold. It is my warmth that radiates towards you, the softness of my hands, the sharpness of your edges.

Your coldness seeps into me and I drop you, as suddenly as if I was hit by lightning. You clammer to the ground, and I watch you with lost eyes. You shatter as you hit the cold floor I stand on, and before my hopeless gaze you are nothing. You are but specks of sharp dust on the ground. I cry out. I am broken, just as you are. I fall to the ground and scoop up your remains. Your coldness is once again in my warm hands, but now my hands are cracked. They crack and they ache and they turn as cold as ice. My hands become numb and I drop you once more. I am back in the cage, the smell of dirty metal poignant in the air. The metal beams enrapture me and you are gone. The rain falls down, trickling at first, then a steady downpour. Snow whirls with the rain, freezing it. The frozen rain pelts down on me, and the soft snow circles me. Slowly, I turn to ice. First my toes, then my hands, now my heart. The cold frigid air will seep into my bones and my organs, until everything but my eyes are frozen.

My eyes will stay warm as a way of torturing me. Everyone leaves, even you, but I must see the world go on. As I am frozen, an immobile statue, I watch. I watch as the cage snaps from the cold and I watch as we fall down. The cage and I, we fall down until we hit the soft earth. Grass leaks under my feet, and the sun beams down upon us. Slowly, I unfreeze. I gain mobility in my head first, then my hands, and finally my toes. I move slowly, never blinking my eyes, and I try to feel once more.

You are gone, that is a harsh reality I must live with, but I am warm. The sun gives me a strange warmth, one I have never felt from you. It’s something new, but my heart still needs thawing. I lay down on the grass, it prickles my bare neck. I stretch out my hands and scoop up fistfuls of dirt. I throw the dirt in the air and let it sprinkle down upon me. I open my mouth and a tinkling comes out… Laughter. I look up at the sun. I am alone, but I am whole. The sun’s warmth is all I need. I let it thaw out my heart and I let the sunlight engulf every dark edge I hold. Soon, I am the light, I am the heat, and I draw people towards me. They trickle in, like the rain that once froze me, and I watch with hesitancy. They come to me, carefully, with small smiles upon their faces. I smile back, and that is all we need.