I am the humblest person in the world.  I am about as unpretentious as a person can be.   My lack of arrogance brings children and their mothers to tears.  I am such a good human being.  More people should strive to be as humble as I am.

              I look around and see a world on the brink of collapse.  People like Oprah Winfrey and Elon Musk embrace their success like a bunch of heathens.  Only a barbarian acknowledges their accomplishments.  I don’t care if they have sacrificed thousands of hours overcoming impenetrable barriers for the betterment of humanity and technology; if they admit to their success, then they are nothing more than incompetent attention addicts.  They should look up to me and follow my blueprint for how I handle my humility. I have a seven-digit salary, I aced Harvard law, I drive a Rolls Royce and I’m also incredibly talented, charming, and gorgeous. In fact, I am ninety-five percent sure that the world would stop spinning if I were to stop existing.  But do I brag about those things? No way.  I have a level of humility unrivaled by the normal man.  Oprah and Elon are nothing to me besides two narcissistic imbeciles gloating in their triumph.  While those who bask in their success are terrible excuses for human beings, there are those who are even worse.

              People who pretend to be humble are the worst and most disgusting part of humanity.  Believe it or not, there are those who underhandedly insert bragging into their humble facade!  Some may pose as humble and praise the value of humility, while secretly introducing facts about how much money they make or what kind of car they drive.  They’re hypocrites, all of them.  You think I don’t want to confess all my amazing actions?  It takes some serious will power not to share that I was once an Olympic level skier and that I have been romantically engaged with several supermodels. Luckily, my super human conviction to humility keeps me on the right track, so I never brag about my past achievements.  It puts me on a level above the rest where no matter how successful a person is, I will always be better than they because I am humble. 

              This whole humility thing is truly groundbreaking.  It allows me to judge others while I just get to sit back and feel like superior to them.  Regardless of how successful or passionate they are, my humility allows me to feel superior to anyone I encounter.  My psychiatrist told me that if I continue my obsession with humility, I will go down a destructive path with irreparable consequences.  I smiled at my doctor, suppressing the urge to brag, and jumped across the table and attempted to strangle him.  How dare he assess me, humblest amongst the humble.

              People should have as low self-esteem as possible.  They need to have no self-respect and live a lifestyle that is completely submissive.  In this ideal scenario, when someone accomplishes a great feat, they should avert their eyes from this success and say, “No, all this passion, and all this work has resulted in nothing but a heaping pile of hot trash!”  They should never be proud of their work, regardless of how great it is.  Every time I see an artist or inventor have any semblance of pride or confidence, I am instantly disgusted.  How dare they have the audacity to feel a sense of achievement within their lives and, worse, have the self-assurance to express it openly.  These people are revolting.  They need to live like me, where every moment is a struggle to suppress my urge to boast.  They must bury their impulses deep down within themselves until their self-resentment becomes overflowing and they live in a state of infinite dissatisfaction.  Everyone must be as pathetic as I.  It is not fair that others get to bask in their success, while I must sit here and act indifferent to any praise I have ever received!  Stand with me, and perhaps we can convert a world to act just like me, one where being humble reigns supreme.