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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

allthegoodusernamesaregonesoichosethisonebecauseithoughtitwascoo BRONZE said...
on Jan. 28 2012 at 7:01 pm
I love this post. Better than the books.
JessIsTheBest BRONZE said...
on Jan. 28 2012 at 11:24 am
JessIsTheBest BRONZE, Solon, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Hᴀᴘᴘɪɴᴇss ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇ ғᴏᴜɴᴅ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʀᴋᴇsᴛ ᴏғ ᴛɪᴍᴇs, ɪғ ᴏɴᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴜʀɴ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʟɪɢʜᴛ - Dᴜᴍʙʟᴇᴅᴏʀᴇ

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it is better than the books!! :D
Studio_Riet GOLD said...
on Jan. 25 2012 at 9:33 pm
Studio_Riet GOLD, Tonasket, Washington
16 articles 0 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot; Times you see, is a little arrangement that man has made for himself to try to measure the immeasurable mysteries of life.&quot; -Calypso to Ulysses (Bernard Evslin.)<br /> &quot;You don&#039;t have a soul, you are a soul. You have a body&quot; - CS Lewis

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Yes!! Redwall is a saga! All Twilight is, is an EPIC FAIL!!!
iloverontoomuch BRONZE said...
on Jan. 25 2012 at 5:52 pm
iloverontoomuch BRONZE, Mola Di Bari, Other
1 article 0 photos 9 comments
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awesome! This is so freaking awesome, especially the end!
i-love-cupcakes said...
on Jan. 25 2012 at 2:14 pm
i-love-cupcakes, New York, New York
0 articles 0 photos 27 comments
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hahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaahahhaahahahaahahhaahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhaahahhhahaahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah...your funny
CindyKeller said...
on Jan. 25 2012 at 12:12 am
Hahaha! It's funny, funnier than vampire sucks did! XD
summerchikk14 SILVER said...
on Jan. 22 2012 at 11:47 am
summerchikk14 SILVER, Redding, Connecticut
5 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I&#039;ve my heart where my head should be, and light up the rest of me. Cuz in dreams, it don&#039;t fall apart, through the stars it starts when your life is a work of art&lt;3&quot;

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HAHA this was hilarious.... Better than Stephanie Meyer's book!
Readqueenz7 SILVER said...
on Jan. 22 2012 at 8:52 am
Readqueenz7 SILVER, Oak Park, Illinois
6 articles 9 photos 16 comments
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Haha. This was hilarious, and so true. Nice job.
SilverHedgehog17 SILVER said...
on Jan. 21 2012 at 3:35 pm
SilverHedgehog17 SILVER, Fairfield, Connecticut
5 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
Oh, it&#039;s a case of they think I&#039;ll think that they&#039;ll do A, so they&#039;ll do B because I wouldn&#039;t think they&#039;d think of that but then they&#039;ll do A after all because I wouldn&#039;t think they&#039;d think that way.

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And to think that publishing companies wasted all that paper on all those meaningless words. The movie company wasted millions too! The results would have been the same if they used this script, right?
Court97 BRONZE said...
on Jan. 20 2012 at 10:01 am
Court97 BRONZE, Ada, Oklahoma
3 articles 1 photo 2 comments
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Haha, that was funny. "Yeah, but that was anti-climactic". :P I'd like to see more from other book/movies, like Harry Potter or Percy Jackson.
the-air-unbidden BRONZE said...
on Jan. 18 2012 at 5:52 pm
the-air-unbidden BRONZE, New Market, Maryland
4 articles 0 photos 5 comments
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I hate Twilight, but this is the version that I could deal with
Distant_Freedom DIAMOND said...
on Jan. 17 2012 at 6:37 pm
Distant_Freedom DIAMOND, Nowhere, Pennsylvania
50 articles 0 photos 54 comments

Favorite Quote:
Dream as if you&#039;ll live forever. Live as if you&#039;ll die today. -James Dean

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This article is so true. And it is a complete rip-off of Harry Potter. But that didn't last two minutes.
nannobite said...
on Jan. 14 2012 at 7:25 pm
So so hilarious. i get wht this bloke means- the book's still ok for younger readers though.
Bookworm1997 BRONZE said...
on Jan. 14 2012 at 10:38 am
Bookworm1997 BRONZE, South Milwaukee, Wisconsin
1 article 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
You cannot open a book without learning something. -Confucious

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Totally true about the whole saga thing. Twilight really wasn't that good, and it is no comparison to many other books out there. If it can be made into a movie, anything can.
Bookworm1997 BRONZE said...
on Jan. 14 2012 at 10:36 am
Bookworm1997 BRONZE, South Milwaukee, Wisconsin
1 article 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
You cannot open a book without learning something. -Confucious

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This was a really funny piece. Nice job!
Dougydoug said...
on Jan. 13 2012 at 10:21 am
Dougydoug, Oregon, Missouri
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
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That was the most hillarious thing that I have ever read.
Dezerea2013 said...
on Jan. 13 2012 at 10:18 am
Dezerea2013, Oregon, Missouri
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
MonkeyFeathers

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That was the best day of my life. Ever.
Duckie430 said...
on Jan. 12 2012 at 10:29 am
Duckie430, Riverside, Rhode Island
0 articles 0 photos 228 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;The secret to life is being who you are and being happy with who you are.&rdquo;<br /> &quot;Whatever does not kill you only makes you stronger.&quot;

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omg soooo funny
someonewhoisme BRONZE said...
on Jan. 11 2012 at 9:35 pm
someonewhoisme BRONZE, Normandy, Tennessee
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;You is smart. You is kind. You is important.&quot;-Aibileen- The Help

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Ha! That's hliarious! Can you check out my article? "Society gets what society wants"
Axis said...
on Jan. 11 2012 at 2:15 pm
As someone wise (namely, my friend) once said to me: "Saga? The Redwall series is a SAGA. LoTR is a SAGA. Certain video games are SAGAS. Twilight is not a fricking SAGA."