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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

Ehwaz11 BRONZE said...
on Feb. 9 2011 at 8:05 pm
Ehwaz11 BRONZE, Hopkinton, New Hampshire
4 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;It&#039;s important to remember that we all have magic inside us.&quot;<br /> - J.K. Rowling <br /> &ldquo;Oh, dead man, you&rsquo;re dead wrong,&rdquo; I tell him. &ldquo;The world goes on stupid and brutal, but I do not. Can&rsquo;t you see? I do not.&rdquo; -Andi Alpers, Jennifer Donnelly

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And Belle Goose.
Parantan BRONZE said...
on Feb. 9 2011 at 11:29 am
Parantan BRONZE, Mars, Pennsylvania
2 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
Giving up doesn&#039;t always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

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*Tears* it was just so touching! and so trrrue *sobs* i can't believe how well they made this
Flutterfly56 BRONZE said...
on Feb. 9 2011 at 8:17 am
Flutterfly56 BRONZE, Easley, South Carolina
1 article 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Live the present, because one day everything will be gone.&quot;

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This piece was hilarious it had me rolling.
PaRaNoRmAl627 GOLD said...
on Feb. 8 2011 at 6:35 pm
PaRaNoRmAl627 GOLD, Mountainside, New Jersey
15 articles 0 photos 296 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Do what you want. If it&#039;s something you&#039;ll regret in the morning, sleep late.&quot;

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lovelovelovelovelovelovelove!
InsaneRoman GOLD said...
on Feb. 8 2011 at 10:19 am
InsaneRoman GOLD, Savona, New York
13 articles 19 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;He&#039;s no longer living.&quot;<br /> &quot;What happened?&quot;<br /> &quot;He died.&quot;

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OMFG I love this... WIN!
Daydreamish said...
on Feb. 6 2011 at 10:37 pm
Nightlight? I loooove that book!!! ^-^ it was the best parody i've ever read. :D Hahaha ohh Edwart...
chaste said...
on Feb. 6 2011 at 8:58 pm

i love the twilight saga but i love this even more!!! youre creative and have great writing style! keep on writing!

this world deserves to have a writer like you!

Topaz97 SILVER said...
on Feb. 6 2011 at 2:46 pm
Topaz97 SILVER, South Milwaukee, Wisconsin
5 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don&#039;t curse the darkness-light a candle.

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Do you know that fans of Her, Him, and the Receptionist are bashing this?
Love4pj said...
on Feb. 5 2011 at 11:20 am
me too i love twilight
laurenc_belle said...
on Feb. 4 2011 at 12:18 pm
laurenc_belle, O&#39Fallon, Illinois
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.&quot; -Shakespeare; A Midsummer Night&#039;s Dream

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I'm a decent fan of twilight but omg this is hilarious!! Love it!!
Topaz97 SILVER said...
on Feb. 3 2011 at 9:02 pm
Topaz97 SILVER, South Milwaukee, Wisconsin
5 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don&#039;t curse the darkness-light a candle.

View profile
I just wanted to bring to attention that if you check out the story, Her, Him, and the Receptionist, they are trashing this article.
emrose SILVER said...
on Feb. 3 2011 at 12:02 pm
emrose SILVER, Rising Sun, Other
6 articles 0 photos 26 comments
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LOVE!!!!!! Great job

 

singergurl12 GOLD said...
on Feb. 3 2011 at 7:44 am
singergurl12 GOLD, Jacksonville, Florida
15 articles 0 photos 190 comments

Favorite Quote:
Fairy tales are true, not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.

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samesame- TL RULES

this is really good tho- and HYSTERICALLY funny!

choose a screen name said...
on Feb. 2 2011 at 9:54 pm
this brightened up my day...
da writer said...
on Feb. 2 2011 at 9:51 pm
i was laughing for awhile after this...great work! and i'm still laughing...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....
Redd554 SILVER said...
on Feb. 2 2011 at 12:48 pm
Redd554 SILVER, Verona, New York
5 articles 0 photos 2 comments
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Omg hilarious!!!! luved it
Ehwaz11 BRONZE said...
on Feb. 2 2011 at 10:28 am
Ehwaz11 BRONZE, Hopkinton, New Hampshire
4 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;It&#039;s important to remember that we all have magic inside us.&quot;<br /> - J.K. Rowling <br /> &ldquo;Oh, dead man, you&rsquo;re dead wrong,&rdquo; I tell him. &ldquo;The world goes on stupid and brutal, but I do not. Can&rsquo;t you see? I do not.&rdquo; -Andi Alpers, Jennifer Donnelly

View profile

"Preferably "Thriller.""

I commend you for this.

Have you read Nightlight by the Harvard Lampoon?

AK Lore said...
on Feb. 1 2011 at 4:01 pm
That was beyond brilliant!!! Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for writing that!
Keeper6 GOLD said...
on Feb. 1 2011 at 1:13 pm
Keeper6 GOLD, Buffalo, Minnesota
16 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
Giving up doesn&#039;t always mean you are weak, sometimes it just means you are strong enough to let go.

View profile
I love it!
missamanda GOLD said...
on Jan. 31 2011 at 11:30 pm
missamanda GOLD, Ft. Collins, Colorado
11 articles 1 photo 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Love. Fall in love and stay in love. Write only what you love, and love what you write. The key word is love. You have to get up in the morning and write something you love, something to live for.&quot; -Ray Bradbury

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I did like twilight... except I always thought Jacob was a creep liking a girl MUCH TOO YOUNG. lol its like "hey I kissed your mom, but I love you forever"

Awkward!!!

But this was hilarious. That stuff is ligit. Keep writing :D