Kicking a leaf as he walked, Harry did some serious reflection. He was caught in one of those rare times when the fans didn’t know where he was; a hilarious game of ‘Where’s Harry’ playing out on Twitter. He loved the fans, he really did, but he was glad for some peace and quiet for a change. Louis was gone, with his stupid fake girlfriend and his stupid fake grin and his stupid fake other life. The life that Harry wasn’t allowed to be included in. Before he left, they’ve been fighting all day. Really, they’ve been fighting for 9 days. Not that he’s counting.

With his hair in a beanie, wrapped in baggy clothes with dark sunglasses perched on his nose, Harry was going undercover. Really, in his current state, he didn’t want or need to be harassed. The past several days, all Harry and Louis have done is shout and spend time apart. The common theme of their shouting was a word Harry frequently threw in Louis’ face: hiding. Harry wanted so badly to come out, to really have Louis publicly. He wanted to announce to the world that he, Harry Styles, wasn’t exactly straight, and neither was his band mate, the love of his life, Louis Tomlinson. Louis wasn’t having any of it. That was made clear 8 days ago. Not that he’s counting.

It confused Harry. It confused him how Louis seemed to prefer having a girlfriend at events and party. It confused Harry how Louis could so easily fall into affection with the girl who has been the bane of Harry’s existence for so long. And Louis never, ever explained it. It scared Harry, how easily Louis seemed to fall out of love with him when they were in public. Louis claimed to love Harry, claimed it between kisses, between the sheets. Harry always believed. But today, it’s been four days since Louis has last said it. Not that he’s counting.

Hearing an outburst of laughter, Harry glanced up. A boy and girl, in their early teens, were chasing each other around the park, blushing all the while. Grimacing, Harry averted his gaze. They didn’t know how hard it could be. In a few short years, love became hard, life less easy. Harry experienced it firsthand. Today, for the first time in his relationship, Harry doubted they’d get a happy ever after. It seemed unlikely, with Louis too afraid to even hold Harry’s hand outside the comfort of their home. They hadn’t held hands since. That was addressed 7 days ago. Not that he’s counting.

Frowning, Harry continued through the park. It was late fall, and there was a crispness in the air that wasn’t around a few weeks ago. Breathing deeply, Harry pulled out his iPod. He didn’t want to hear any more laughter. Music filled his head, the perfect melancholic playlist to fit his mood. He remembered four days ago; when Louis told him he may never want to come out. That’s when Harry realized that Louis is ashamed of him, of them, of who Louis really is. It was very disheartening. He was slowly realizing that Louis would never let Harry have him, and that was hard to deal with. Louis still hasn’t given Harry his whole heart. They’ve been together two years already. Not that he’s counting.

A song came on shuffle that really fit with Harry’s thoughts, and he pulled up twitter. Maybe Louis would see the lyrics he tweeted: “I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star, in somebody else's sky, but why why why can't it be, can't it be mine.” The melody rang in his hears, the words spinning in his head until a new song came on. Harry pictured, years from now, Louis’ wedding. Instead of walking down the aisle, Harry was seated towards the back. Eleanor glided across the church, train billowing behind her. Louis was up front, looking dapper in a suit and a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Swallowing, Harry pushed back tears, pushing the vision out of his head. He didn’t need to cry. He’d already cried over Louis 13 times in the last 9 days. Not that he’s counting.

Another song came on, again speaking to Harry in a way music does in times of distress. It swirls through his memory, and his tattoos, many in dedication to Louis, tingle just like they are fresh again. He decided to tweet lyrics again, unable to keep everything inside of him, letting it out in this small way. “And this is my kinda love, it's the kind that moves on; it's unkind and leaves me alone.” Chuckling dryly, Harry thinks that phrase was exactly right. He’s alone, with his thoughts and his fears and his hurts and his scars. He’s coming to realize he’s been kidding himself that Louis really cares. He’s not just partially invested in their relationship; he’s barely invested at all. Why should he be? Harry’s thoughts mock him, cruelly. Louis has a nice girlfriend he’s allowed to be with. Harry’s just a mate he can get a good lay from. Not that they’d slept together in a while, 14 days to be exact. Not that he’s counting.

Harry crept back to the hotel they were staying in. Another song Harry loved came on, and Harry tweeted lyrics to it too. “Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here, please tell me what we have is real.” Finally reaching the hotel, Harry slipped in the back entrance without being caught. He took the elevator to his (and Louis’) room, pushing the key in and hurrying inside. Throwing his phone across the room, Harry stomped to his suitcase, pulling out a jumper that belonged to Liam and a pair of boxers. He went in the shower, turning it so hot the water scalded his skin. He stayed in the cocoon of warmth, letting all the shame and grief run with the water and his tears, for at least 30 minutes. Not that he’s counting.

Finally getting out, Harry pushed the jumper over his head and slipped on the boxers. Wiping his red and tired eyes, Harry strode to the light switch. He turned off every light in the room. He then went to the bed, slipping under the covers and resigning himself to a life of loneliness. It was 4 pm when he made this resignation. He continued to lay there, tossing and turning and never falling asleep. Every part of him ached from lost love. He knew it was too good to be true. The band, the friends, the soul mate. Something was off. Harry never did anything in his life to deserve any of it. Harry wallowed in misery, disrupted when Louis walks into the room 63 minutes later. Not that he’s counting.

Louis stood by the door, taken aback by the darkness. He sees Harry curled up in bed, then slips his shoes off and crawls in beside him.

“Harry, love, what’s the matter?” Louis’ words sounds harsh to Harry’s ears, having not had contact with this soft Louis in a while.

“Why are you even here?” Harry rasped tiredly. “Really, you have a beautiful girlfriend whose room you could sleep in tonight. Why do you keep spending your time stringing me along? What do you get out of hurting me? I’ve been trying to think of reasons, but I sure as hell don’t know.”

“Harry,” whispered Louis mournfully. “I saw your tweets earlier. I got here as fast as I could. I’ve been trying to call you, I suppose your phones been off. I’m not stringing you along, love.”

“Sure you’re not!” spit Harry venomously. “‘Oh yes Harry, let’s f***, let’s tell each other we love each other, let’s act devoted, let’s compliment each other, oh but wait, only behind closed doors, because I’m f****** ashamed of you.’ You may not say it, but everything you do does. I get it. I’m not special. Why would you want me when you have a beautiful girlfriend with an easier relationship? I thought this was real, though, Louis, and that’s not fair.”

Harry was breathing heavily, eyes closed; shocked he managed to get everything out in his outburst. He was glad he did, Louis needed to know that Harry realized the truth. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all. Next to him, Louis was silent. That is, until loud sobs began to fill the room. Harry felt Louis shaking beside him on the bed, not close enough to touch but near enough to feel his tremors. Harry found Louis staring at him with a wrecked expression on his face, once he opened his eyes 30 seconds later. Not that he was counting.

“Ha-” Louis tried, but couldn’t finish the word. Harry just continued to stare, confused. Why was Louis so upset about being found out?

“Harry Edward Styles,” Louis finally got out. “I love you with every single fiber of my being. I love you with my head, my heart, my f****** toes. I have loved you since I saw you, when you were 16 and scared. I have loved you through the XFactor, and when we got signed as a band. I have loved you through our tours, our album releases, our ‘breaks’ at home. I love you when we’re together and I love you when we’re apart. I love you when you first wake up, all crinkly eyed with sleep, and I love you before bed, when you constantly yawn like an adorable kitten. I love how you make crap jokes and laugh at them yourself, I love your passion for singing, I love your love for the boys and your family, I love your weird taste in music, I love how you can never stand to wear clothes, and I love how absolutely big your heart is, even bigger than your gorgeous smile. You will always have my heart, Harry. I don’t love Eleanor, hell, I don’t really like her. She’s there because management wants, and also because I am scared. I am so scared Harry, because I love you so fiercely and intensely, but the public will hate us. They will call us names, wear us down, and try to make our love into something wrong. I’m so scared Harry. But the truth is, I love you so much more than I am scared. I’m so sorry, for everything. I’m sorry for making you feel this way. I’m sorry for making you think I don’t love you. I’m sorry you, oh God, think I’m ashamed of you. I swear I could never be ashamed of you. I’ll do anything, Harry, to win you back, including coming out, if that’s what you want. Just, please, Harry, I love you.”

Finished with his spiel, Louis fell back into the bed, intensity gone. He was still crying, sobbing really, but had somehow managed to get all his words out. Harry vaguely feels impressed. It was hard to notice, however, amidst all the overwhelming love he felt for the older boy in front of him. He was being ridiculous to ever think Louis didn’t love him. It was in everything Louis did. And Harry loved Louis back, equally with every fiber of his being. Harry noticed he was crying too, and almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation if not for how utterly romantic Louis’ speech was. Slowly, he reached over and grabbed Louis into a close hug, crushing Lou into his chest. Louis settled in a mere 3 seconds later. Not that he’s counting.

“Louis, I can’t compete with what you just said, but I want you to know, I love you very much, with everything I have and probably more. I’m so sorry, I was so stupid, I just felt so lonely and I was being daft. I can’t believe what I said to you, I’m sorry. I love you. I love you. Louis William Tomlinson, I love you.”

Louis’ face broke out into a broad grin, and Harry quickly mirrored his expression. Leaning upwards into the hug, Louis kissed Harry, passionately and with as much love as he could muster. Harry returned the kiss, vigorously. They kissed for a bit, enjoying each other’s closeness. It had been a long time since they had just cuddled together like this. About 15 days, not that he’s counting.

“You’re forgiven, as long as I am, Harry,” whispered Louis. “And I was serious about coming out. I am willing to do it, go all the way with you. I’m in this for forever.”

“I love you so much.” Harry breathed. “And of course you’re forgiven. And Louis: I’m in this forever too.”

Both boys grinned, so blissfully in love. They fell asleep that way, nestled in each other’s arms, whispering ‘I love you’s’ and ‘you’re my everything’s’ between kisses. The next day, they approached the other lads, telling them they wanted to come out. Unsurprisingly, they were very supportive, Liam and Niall especially, appreciating they may someday reach that place in their relationship. The day after that, all five of them went to management, and demanded a coming out interview. They went on Chattyman, and Alan Carr delightfully helped them out themselves. The public had mixed reactions, but the fans were almost wholly supportive, which was all that mattered anyway. Six months after the interview, Harry asked Louis to marry him, which he accepted. Four months later, they were married. Since then, they haven’t gone more than an hour, except when sleeping, without saying they love each other. Not that he’s counting.