It was the fifth day of February that year. It was very cold but I needed to kill some time. It was boring at home and I don’t have school to attend to that is why I decided to go to the mall and look for clothes or maybe buy a new book. There were new shops that opened this week and I am very thrilled to go.

As I was passing through the hallways of the mall, I could feel the cool breeze in my skin. I am beginning to feel numb and I was battling with myself if I should go home. But it was never an option for me. I dreaded the feeling of being confined in my room for hours. I continued to walk around and look for clothes but then I saw something that caught my eye. It was the newly built bowling alley.

Since it was just half past two in the afternoon, there were only a few people inside it. I decided to sit on the lounge and read the promos they have to offer. This is a new thing for me. I am not usually inclined to these type of activities but I feel different about this. Maybe it was just the adrenaline kicking in.

Since I don’t want to push my luck any further, I just decided to stroll around the bowling alley. I was about to go when I saw him. He was wearing a gray v-neck shirt, skinny jeans and one of the famous sneakers any boy would wish to have. He had those perfect brown eyes and his hair was perfectly tousled in his head. To say that I was starstruck was an understatement. But I was not one of those girls who would make the first move.

I decided to watch him from afar as I sat on the couch by the lounge once again. He was going to play bowling and I could sense that he is good. He is with two boys and I assume that they are probably his friends. He threw and it rolled until it reached the bowling pins and it was a strike! My instincts never went wrong. I watched them play until the very end of the game and I wondered why I was even there. I thought to myself that this was very unusual for me. Girls like me don’t do these things.

I was about to go since they were already done playing when I found a pair of perfect brown eyes staring at me. It was his. I felt my cheeks go hot and I got this urge to go and run. But before I could even compose my thoughts, I saw him walking towards me. His two friends had these cheeky grins that made me sense that something unusual was up. My head was spinning and I don’t know if I should run and hide or stay and face him.

But I guess, I unconsciously picked the latter. When he was already in front of me, I felt like I was going to throw up. To say that there were butterflies in my tummy was really an understatement. I felt the whole zoo, if it were possible. “Hi.” he said as he smiled. Gosh! Was he even real? How can someone be this perfect?! I thought to myself. “Uh.. hello?” I answered back. “We saw you alone here for the whole hour. Don’t you want to play or something? You are in a bowling alley after all,” he was about to smile again when I immediately replied “I can’t!” It was too aggressive for my liking and I can’t even seem to control these types of things. He is going to be annoyed. I can tell. However, he did the exact opposite. He laughed. It was the type of voice that is too angelic. I barely want it to end.

“You’re too stressed, love. I am Cyriel by the way.” He introduced himself. That was the beginning of our friendship. And, it was also the beginning of the happiest days of my life. Everyday, Cyriel and I would hangout in this bowling alley. We would order drinks from the lounge’s bar and eat burgers and fries. It was like a fairytale. But I knew, it was the kind of thing that won’t last forever.

No. It is not because Cyriel is not the type of boy I could love each day of my life. It was because of me. And I was such a selfish girl to continue the small hangouts even if I knew we were going to be attached with each other if this pursues. One time, Cyriel was teaching me how to release the ball properly when suddenly everything around me turned black. I completely lost all sense of reality and a blackout took over me. Cyriel had to take me to the hospital just to see if I was doing fine; however, I already knew the answer.

I stopped talking to Cyriel after that incident. It was already bothering me and I can’t stand it anymore. A few more times spent with him will result to my heart getting attached and I can’t let these feelings take over me.

I started to go to the bowling alley everyday just to see if Cyriel was doing fine. He was always there at 2 o’clock sharp. It was our usual meet up time. I never let him see me. Sometimes, I would even wear disguises just to hide myself. It was breaking my heart to see him waiting for nothing. There were times wherein I wanted to run up to him and hug him. Seeing him in pain also pains every inch of my body. This went on for 2 months but after some time, Cyriel did not come anymore.

On the 5th of June, I left this letter on the usual place where Cyriel plays bowling. It was written from the heart and it was sealed. I don’t know if Cyriel would be able to get this. I don’ even know how he feels about me anymore. He is probably mad at me for making him expect. But if he only knew I truly felt. If only he knew this.

Cyriel was my world for a few span of time. It was definitely hard to smile when I am used to seeing him everyday. I felt weaker than I ever did before. Maybe it is true that I already fell in love with him. But even if I loved him dearly.. I would choose his happiness over mine.

Cyriel.. if you ever read this, I just want to tell you that I really appreciate everything you did for me. You were my reason to smile since the 5th day of February when we first met. I never wanted to keep you hanging. I just wanted you to be happy. Because, you can never be happy with me. You can never have that happy ending you always told me about if we would be friends. You can never be happy if you are attached to me. Because I will hurt you. I will leave you.

No one who’s attached to me would ever survive. Because I am a grenade. Because I will eventually hurt the people around me when I leave. Because I don’t have that much time anymore. I am sick beyond words. I have Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, Cy. I could die in an instant and I don’t want you to feel the pain when the grenade explodes. Because by then, I won’t be able to comfort you because I am already dead.

I love you, Cyriel. Maybe I realized it a little too early or a little too late. But I love you. And, I will continue loving you. It will never change from the beginning of that day, the 5th of February, in that bowling alley where I was left speechless with nothing to say.