Alright, now that I’ve destroyed all the fifty billion copies of ‘Sleeping Beauty’ I can tell you the actual story. I’m Aurora, queen of the kingdom, not the dim-witted little teacup that those stupid writers made me out to be.
Once upon a time, screw it. This isn’t a fairytale.
So one day I am out running around the palace grounds (a girl’s gotta stay fit) when all of a sudden my phone starts ringing (right in my ear mind you, I had headphones in). Cringing, I pick it up and see that it’s Dad.
I slow to a stand-still jog, “Yeah?”
He clears his throat for at least a minute, I swear. I roll my eyes impatiently.
“Aurora, prince Phillip has fallen into a slumber, per say and-”
“I have to go rescue that little twerp? How the heck did this happen?” I question, pulling tight my long, golden ponytail that sits on the crown of my head.
“He accidently threw a ball into Maleficent's castle window and killed her bird. So, of course, she punished him with a sleeping potion. Come on in and I’ll tell you where she has him.”
“Ugh, stupid boys!” I mutter, clicking off my phone.
Two hours later, I am off to Maleficent's palace to rescue my beloved Philip. I type in the address to my gps, since I have to cross a confusing forest of thorns to get to the palace which, of course, stands on the tallest mountain in the land. But after years of scaling the castle walls, it only takes me an hour and three minutes to get to the tall, black front doors at the top.
I bang on the them once and they burst open, letting out a cold rush of air. A roar echoes through the large throne room.
I grab an ice arrow from my backpack and latch it into place. If I shoot this in her mouth, then Maleficent will lose her ability to breath fire and will then be an easy kill.
Peering around the column I hide behind and spotting her, I aim and shoot. The arrow zips through the air and as soon as Maleficent hears it, she opens her mouth to breath fire.
Perfect.
The arrow flies right into her mouth and bursts, depriving her of her abilities. I then reach for my sword and run towards the dragon.
Continuing to try to breath fire at me, she opens and closes her mouth. I veer right and then circle around to come at her from the side. Then, rolling under her body, I drive the blade into her heart.
The creature shrieks and crumbles, leaving behind Maleficent, in human form. She sighs, annoyed that I beat her yet again.
“Philip?” I glance at her, arms crossed, unamused.
Rolling her eyes, she points to a door on my right.
I jog over, open the door, and saunter to the bed. There lies Philip in a deep slumber.
I slap him hard in the face and his eyes burst open.
“What the… Aurora?”
“You’re damn straight it is,” I say pulling him out of the bed.
Philip pulls his arm away roughly, “I thought it was true love’s kiss that was supposed to wake me up!”
“You really thought I was gonna kiss my own brother? God you’re stupid,” I scoff as we head down the corridor towards the front entrance.
Yep. Philip’s my little bro. The writers thought they’d jazz it up a bit with a crappy love story.
“See ya later!” calls Maleficent from her throne.
“You too Aunty M!” replies Philip on the way out the door.
“Aunty M is freaking crazy,” I mutter, shutting it behind us.
And then we go back to the palace and live happily ever after except I have to save Philip’s butt at least another thirty-seven times.
So there’s your un-sugarcoated, pre-marketed, one hundred percent true story. The writers just thought that a stealthy, badass blonde girl wouldn’t be believable enough. Funny how it’s me ruling the kingdom now.