If only Alec hadn’t asked to move in, but he had. To be honest, he’d give a lot to get into a portal, travel back in time and just not ask. Because if he hadn’t asked, Magnus wouldn’t have had to turn him down and Alec wouldn’t have felt compelled to open this box of past lives and loves and losses that had left Alec feeling small and vulnerable. And stupid. Don’t forget stupid.

Shadowhunters only ever fall in love once – a gift from the Angel, to show that true love was difficult to hold on to. For generations, Shadowhunters had married for political reasons. He thought back to a story Magnus had shared with him once on a night quite like this. The story of love that was believed to be unrequited, and all the years lost because of miscommunication.

The portal appeared out of thin air, being the only source of light. Magnus stepped out of the portal, the bags under his eyes were undeniable and Alec’s heart hurt, knowing that their dispute at the breakfast table had caused them to darken even further. “Alexander?” Magnus said, equally curious. If Alec wanted, he’d just fling himself at his boyfriend and kiss him as if nothing had happened, and Magnus would let him, because that’s how much he loved the young Shadowhunter.

“Why are you hiding here in the dark?”

Alec could feel Magnus’ eyes on him, thoughtful.

“You’d find me anyway, dark or light.” Magnus hummed in agreement. Not finding each other wasn’t the issue; the issue was communicating and setting boundaries.

With a simple wave of his hand, the entire apartment was bathed in candle light. There’s a hint of a smile on the warlocks lips, it’s only a second, but it had been there and Alec was left wondering if their fight this morning lay as heavy on Magnus’ heart as it did on the Shadowhunter’s: Was Magnus just pretending that everything was normal? Did he not care about Alec’s outburst? Had he forgiven him already or worse: Was he not taking Alec’s concerns seriously?

The breakfast table was neat, too neat for Alec’s taste. He had hoped for any evidence that Magnus had been worked up after Alec left. A pang of frustration made Alec’s heart hurt.

Magnus was standing near the shelf, cursed box in hand; his entire posture of insecurity, his lips pressed into a thin line showed his determination.

“Magnus, I’m sorry, I should’ve never betrayed your trust like that and I…” but Alec’s rambled try for an excuse was interrupted by a firm shake of Magnus’ head. “I know darling, but you were right.”

“This is a topic we need to address, whether we like it or not”, he sighed deeply as if bracing himself for a battle and in some way it was.

The box felt much lighter in his hand than it had this morning. This morning he had been going behind his love’s back and the fear of what he might find in this box and the guilt had suffocated him. Now, a few hours later, they were facing their demons together. “I want to share this with you. I want to explain it to you, if that’s what you want.”

“Magnus, you don’t have to…”

“I have and I want to,” said Magnus. “I’m not going to apologize or demand your understanding, because I do understand that you might not be okay with this, but I don’t want this,” he elaborated, one polished finger pointing at the box, “to be what breaks us apart, because in the end, if this is what it comes down to and I have to choose between you and this box of momentos, I will always choose you, Alexander. Always.”

Alec’s voice felt raspy and uneven, but the meaning of his words was firm and solid. “I’d never ask you to.”

Magnus smiled in return, knowingly.

“What?” Alec inquired.

Magnus leaned back on the couch, a hand outstretched for Alec to take. And even though Alec felt like the real battle had only just begun, he took Magnus’s hand in his, interlacing their fingers.

The box was much smaller and entailed far less items than Alec had expected. Given Magnus’s long life and the rounded down number of 17,000 lovers had left Alec expecting more.

The box was filled with a total of three other momentos. Just three. Alec knew that most people were able to fall in love multiple times within their short mortal life, so three loves over the time span of 800 years did not seem excessive but small and delicate. It also meant that Magnus had spent several lifetimes not loving or being loved in return.

“One is for George, you already know the story.” said Magnus, putting the photograph to rest on the table. “This feather is for Etta. She was a dancer. Something we had in common and we would spend the nights dancing without a care in the world until the break of dawn.” Despite its age, the feather was still smooth to the touch, vibrant and full of life.

“We had a wonderful time.” Magnus stopped for a second. “But we both knew it was going to have to end eventually. We loved each other but Etta wanted to get married, she wanted children and a home.” Magnus trailed off, “I knew where she was coming from and we ended it. It hurt, but we ended on good terms and remained friends.”

Alec had listened carefully. Whatever he had expected, it wasn’t this. “I thought…” he began.

“You thought this box was a collection of the people I loved and outlived, of the people that died while we were in a committed relationship?” Alec nodded, eyes fixed on Magnus, and the look playing on his features. “No. But that doesn’t mean I stopped loving them, just because we weren’t together anymore.”

Alec’s thought of Camille and what a strong hold the vicious vampire had held over Magnus for over a century. Of the continued back and forth and trying and failing and heartbreak.

“There’s no item of Camille’s in here?” asked Alec, turning over some items – a sheet of music and a bracelet – none seem to fit the vampire. “Well,” said Magnus, a finger on his chin “She may be undead, but she’s not dead dead…yet, right? So, there’s no need for an item."

Over the course of an hour, Alec learned that the bracelet was Dot’s. He had known Dot and even though he hadn’t known them as a couple, he had seen them interact as friends.

“The music sheet belonged to Imasu. And despite all my other relationships, this is the one I regret; because he loved me more than I loved him and that broke his heart.” Magnus voice was laced with emotion and Alec didn’t know what to do. “How could you tell that he loved you more than you loved him?”

“He wanted me to make him immortal, for us to spend eternity together. I couldn’t picture it, no matter how hard I tried. I had longed for it, after Camille broke my heart. I wanted to love someone forever. But I wasn’t ready, so I turned him down. I broke up with him because I thought it was the right thing to do.”

Tears were forming in Magnus’ eyes and during his rushed speech, his voice had begun to quiver. Alec opened his arms, giving Magnus the embrace he needed. Alec knew the answer before the question formed, but he asked nonetheless: “What happened to Imasu?”

Magnus’ reply was muffled by Alec’s dress shirt. “A few years later I learned that he never loved again, never married. Some might say he died of a broken heart."

Alec squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to stay calm. Was he like Imasu? Was history repeating itself? It was undeniable that after Magnus, Alec would never fall in love again. The fact that their recent dispute had Alec doubting each other’s feelings wasn’t helping his current panic attack. “It wasn’t your fault.” He spoke. “It wasn’t…”

Magnus tore away from Alec’s warm embrace, his eyes red, and tear strains covering his cheeks “I know that. I thought that if it wasn’t for Camille, I would’ve been able to love him the way he deserved to be loved and to give him what he’d asked of me. It was at this moment that I knew Camille had broken me for good.”

“And then, I met you, Alexander.”

“Me?” whispered Alec. “But you congratulated me on my job offer, encouraged me to go. I literally had to force you to tell me how you really felt and…”Alec’s voice was stumbling over every word. “Every time I want to bring up progress or future, you turn me down. What did you expect I’d make of this? I can’t help but wonder if you'll find someone you love more than you’ve ever loved anyone before. More than you loved me. And I know it’s childish and I shouldn’t be this pathetic and should wish you all the happiness in the world but I can’t. Because all I see is that I’m nothing special. I’m just another Imasu who wants to be the love of all your lives.”

Magnus was staring at him, wide eyed, mouth shaped in surprise. “Oh my…Alexander…”

In the blink of an eye, Magnus had jolted up from his place on the couch and was now sitting in his Shadowhunter’s lap, one hand on each cheek, lips to lips, gliding against each other in reassurance and relief. “You stupid boy,” Magnus whispered close to Alec’s lips. “Don’t you understand? It’s not you, who’s Imasu, it’s me.”

The statement kept hanging in the air between them, but if tonight had taught them anything it was that no matter what the future held, they had to make every moment count.

“You only have this one life and I know of your dreams and your ambitions. I’d be a horrible boyfriend if I kept you from going after them.”

Alec sat up straighter, rearranging Magnus on his lap. “I don’t follow…”

“You said, you’re selfish for wanting to matter more than anyone before or after you, so tell me, how could it be considered anything but selfish that I wanted to beg you not to go, to stay with me. That I’d want to be with you forever if you let me? I couldn’t stomach even wanting to be this selfish…”

Alec didn’t say a thing. He was stunned, awed and confused all at the same time. Could the solution to their problem truly be this simple?

“You are the farthest thing from selfish, Magnus Bane”, said Alec, kissing the warlock’s lips teasingly. “I said it once and I’ll keep on saying it until you finally hear me: All I’ve ever wanted was to meet someone like you. I know I can never live without you.”

“Honestly, I don’t think I can live without you either,” Magnus replied moved by his boyfriend’s declaration. “When you said that to me, the night we got back together, it all became so real to me, that one day, you’ll be gone and I got so scared.”

“If you can’t live without me and I can’t live without you, there’s only one path to save us from heartbreak.” Alec’s words were whispered into his lover’s ear.

“You can’t mean that. You don’t know what you’re talking about. What that truly means, your family, your friends, everyone…I could never ask that of you.”

“You’re not. I want you to ask me, because I’d do it. Right here,

right now, without a single regret. But I need to know if you want this as much as I do. I need you to ask me, Magnus.”

Once again, Magnus had no idea how he got so lucky to deserve the love of this beautiful man. The man whose big blue eyes – after everything that had been discussed and revealed tonight – were still waiting for the final rejection. Although a small part of Magnus still felt a little bit selfish, he understood Alec’s point of view and thanked whatever Angel had fated them together, for tonight’s honesty and the fact that they didn’t fight again.

As if Magnus could ever reject his one true love.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood,” he whispered, drowning in Alec’s blue eyes. “Will you be immortal with me?”

Alec surged forward with such force that Magnus was scared they might fall off the couch, as he replied, with a smile on his face that was worth everything in the world.

“Yes, I will.”