I was dying. I could feel the snow on my feet; it felt like it weighed 2 million tons. I wish I hadn’t done this. I couldn’t hear anything but the shoots of guns around me. No one was around me and I felt like all the guns were pointing at me for lying. When I went to the war for my brother I never would of expected it would be this bad. I maybe hadn’t been shot yet but I was dying from the inside out. Every one of these soldiers German or American was dying. Everyday that passed one more piece of our selves and our souls got broken off. I wanted to be dead already so I didn’t need to go through the internal pain. I heard a bullet right by me but I couldn’t run. I fell all of a sudden to the ground. I knew I must have been shot but the only pain I felt was the ever so present pain in the inside of me. I tried again to get up but I was physically unable to. I wanted to be home in my warm bed while my mother was feeding me warm cookies. I saw a person running to me and my fist thought was I was saved but all I saw was a person’s figure and a red circle getting bigger and bigger. He was right by me now when he fell and he fell on my legs. I screamed out in pain, I know he just broke both of my legs but I think they were already broken. I didn’t hear as much shooting and with all my strength I looked up and then I saw people running to me but with German colors. I was just a kid not even 18 and I was a girl. I wanted to help my brother taking his place but instead I’m getting hurt. I decided maybe if I just act dead no one will touch me and I might survive this battle or maybe even this war. I could tell that they were young too. Most of the new recruits from the U.S. were here at this battle. Also it was to foggy and snowy for the Air force to come. I new to act dead I had to close my eyes but I was afraid if I closed my eyes I wouldn’t be able to ever open them again. I buried my head in the snow so they won’t be able to see me. I was afraid but you learn that in a war fear is a constant partner. The only friend I made at war had dyed I know it and who’s to say my whole squad isn’t dead. I think of all the dreams I had and the people I love and that I might never see any of them again and I will never be able to reach my dreams. I hope at least that I could be a hero but what can I do? Nothing I can’t even get up and I’m scared like every other soldier out there young or old. I hear another shot but I’m not paying attention. I’m praying to God not to help me because I know I’m a lost cause no but to help everybody who is important to me and for every soldier who hasn’t fought yet or boy out there thinking about signing up for the war please help them so they never know what I am going through. I wish one thing for me though for this pain to end. I remember about my gun and slowly try to grab it with my hands. I’m not grabbing it to shoot other people no I don’t have that much strength and power in me. I haven’t made a kill this whole time. This is my first battle but I hope it will be my last. I’m grabbing my gun in case nobody comes for me once night is over then I will shoot myself to end the suffering. I didn’t think life would come down to this but I can’t take it anymore I want to be warm and held and told everything will be alright. I was once a very naïve girl with a dream of becoming a princess or a writer. I use to write these stories that I would give to my dad who is editor of the local paper and he would somehow always find a place to put them. I don’t want them to hear about how I went. I want them to think that I died being a great hero and helping everyone I can. I did help everyone I could but I didn’t shot anybody because I know the Germans are bad but they are people too. We should be mad at Hitler not at the German soldiers because like everybody else they are just people following orders. I hear a scream and a gun shot and a scream again I kept hearing that same pattern for I don’t know how long. I’ve lost track of hours. I feel weaker and weaker though with each passing minute. I might still be alive on the outside but I am long gone on the inside. I only see trees and dead bodies but I can hear guns. I don’t know if I’m already dead. If so I don’t know how I got to hell because this is sure not heaven. I think of what my brother would say. He would tell me that I’m strong and I can work through this and that I’m the light and I’m helping all these people so keep living for them to help them see there is a chance still. I begin to cry not sobbing I’m to weak for that but dry little cries. I look around again for a medic but nobody is around. I try to scream but it comes out like a whisper and I can’t even wave my hands to get somebodies attention. I remember training and how I thought that was terrible but now somebody made my own very personal hell and I’m laying down in it. I fell so cold and the snow on my body is suffocating me. Most of the snow isn’t white anymore it is either a brown or in some places a red. I hear the gun shots come closer again but I don’t care because dying right now might be the best thing in my whole life. Then as soon as they come they go away I don’t know if I dreamed them or they saw everybody was dead in this field. I wanted to scream at them and tell them they were dead too! I began to sing to bring the light back into this forest. I saw everybody was dead whether they were dead mentally or physically everyone was dead. I wanted to live and I began to sing.

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon Virgin Mother and Father

Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace
I sang this song not because we are any where by Christmas but because my mother sang it to me. It reminds me of happy moments in a hell. I hum the song again but I can feel I’m loosing consciousness with each waking minute. I don’t know how much longer I have and I try not thinking of the pain but of all the happy moments before this war. I think of the times my mother braided my hair and sang Silent Night, Holy Night even if we weren’t near Christmas. I think of the times I played with my brother and his friends and that I got my first kiss from Tommy. I even think of the time that my brother got drafted but got hurt right before and without anyone knowing not even my brother I took his place. I cut my hair, wore a scarf around my chest to flatten it and ‘deepened my voice’. No one yet has found out and no one will at least not from me telling them because I will be dead by the time they find me. My parents have tried writing me but I through away all their letters because I knew I would cry if I read them. I wish we didn’t have wars, but you can’t just wish to not have wars because there will always be a bad guy. I wish for no more bad guys and then with having no more bad guys no more wars would soon follow. I think of what we went through in the depression but that doesn’t even compare to the pain I’m in right now. They praise the heroes in the wars but the real heroes in this war are the everyday soldiers who just follow orders but risk there lives after trying to follow out those orders. I decide that I’m not going to just watch myself as I die no I’m going to fight for myself and my country I’m a soldier after all. I tried standing up many times and keep falling but after my tenth attempt I finally am able to stand. I use my hands to move my feet but I’m only going a few inches every ten minutes. I decide even if I’m only walking that much in a lot of time at least I’m moving. I have gotten about a mile down the hill I think when I see a person. I wave and call out as loud as I can. I thought maybe I have a chance I will survive and go home to my family. Then when the person comes closer I see that it is a German. I thought maybe I can fall and look like I’m dead but he already saw me and heard me. I want to cry and scream but nobody will come because even though in a war you are suppose to fight for your country you really are fighting to stay alive. I look down at my legs and the pants ripped and I’m bleeding from the blisters and the pressure that’s been on my legs for god knows how long. I whisper please don’t kill me please. He raises his hand I thought that he was going to slap me but instead he touched my cheek and whispers in perfect English I know you are not a boy a boy wouldn’t be so stupid to yell out to a person they don’t know which side they are on. I know you are hurt and I’m not going to help you but I will let you leave and run away. I know you can’t move very fast but just go to your left and keep going to your left now go or I will shoot you. I couldn’t run but I left as fast as I can. I thought that there was no good person but he was special and good. I wanted to know his back story and find out all about him. I was hoping though too never see him again because he will probably shoot me at that point because I am on the other side still. I kept going left until I saw a tent and I thought I was saved. Two men one young and one old man walking out of the tent. They talked in very low voices about the battle. Once they were talking about the important stuff I went up to them. Hello help me please you have to help. I’ve been injured for a very long time and I can’t feel my legs. I think they are broken. On my left leg my bone is sticking out please help me. They were in the dark so I still couldn’t see there reactions. I thought of all the good memories and knew I was going to be saved this time. I had a chance and I was going to live and marry and have a ton of kids. I would write for the New York times and write all these amazing stories about my time in battle. People in my town will think I’m a hero and I will know they are right that I am a hero. I began to smile for the first time since I left home. I could hear them whispering I couldn’t make out what they were saying but I was hoping they were saying about what they should do to help me. I thought of my brother and what would of happened if he would of become a soldier. I think he would of become a hero to everyone and everyone would like him that’s how it always was. He made an impression when he walked into a room and people turned their heads to see him. I always wanted that but never got it. I wasn’t the prettiest or the smartest I was just average but I will now be a hero because I will tell everyone about what happened and how I was a girl pretending to be a guy and was a soldier. I would inspire every little girl and boy to stand for what they believe in and keep fighting. I looked up to the sky because it was a kind of clear night you can see the stars. I know when I die a long time away people will look up at the sky and think of tonight. I will write this in my book for sure once I get home. I saw the old man step out of the shadow and before I can register what was happening he shot me in my stomach. I fell to the grown and cried out in pain. This wasn’t suppose to happen. I was going to live I was going to write and have kids and marry. I was going to go home. I’m so sorry mom and dad for letting you down and not being a hero. Please forgive me please. I keep screaming that out over and over. I didn’t feel any more pain just like a little drop of rain. I love the rain because it washes ever bad thing away and lets you start new. I want to go home but I know I will be going home though it’s a new home I haven’t visited yet. I look at the sky and pray to God that I will be happy visiting him soon. I can feel the little drops of rain expanding to numbness all over my body. My heart is pounding out of my chest but nothing is helping. I take a piece of paper and pencil out of my pocket and write: I hope that you remember what matters most. If you are dying to help save someone you love then you aren’t dying. You need to live and forgive yourself for the things you did because in the end of the day it only matters how much you love yourself and the people around you. Don’t remember me as my brothers name because I am not my brother I am his sister taking his place to help him. I am Emily…
One Month later:
She must have died before she could finish the letter. My dad reading the letter again to my mother. Sweetie she loves us and she says in the letter she forgives and don’t think about her death think about her life. My mother hands my father a piece of cake. We have the funeral in ten minutes, sweetie lets go. I’ll go get our son. Hey honey we have to start going to the funeral. Honey? My brother felt like he was the reason I died. He has been repeating since I died that should have been him. He keeps reading the telegraph that reads: Emily (as in the note she wrote) Baker is sadly gone from this world. She had been laying on the ground with both legs broken for a while reported a soldier he thought she was dead. She walked to the enemy lines by mistake and a general shot her. She was the nicest and helped everyone. She went back and forth the day before just helping people survive. Please hold her in a hero position because I know we all are. General Kingsley. Mom she shouldn’t of died. I miss her so much and she did all this just to protect me. I love you Emily are listening to me as he said that rain began to fall and the radio began to play silent night, holy night. Its not even near Christmas. Oh, yeah honey I was listening they’re playing it because they say its that type of night. Also it brings joy to people. I guess your whole life you are dying slowly but when you die you will always live once.

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon Virgin Mother and Father

Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace