My aunt expressed her love for me with gifts every Christmas and birthday. Regardless of how far I lived, I would receive a mail from her that brought celebration cheers. Unfortunately, as her health deteriorated, which I would much rather have her than any magnitude of gifts, a silver cross necklace became the last item that represented her love before she passed away. I was determined to cherish the necklace and wear it for the rest of my life in remembrance of her, yet my juvenile negligence made the journey quite precarious. Despite being my utmost treasured possession, the clasp was quite loose and the pendant would slip off easily. Few times I have lost the necklace or the pendant while wearing it. However, I would find it in the most peculiar or luckiest fashion.

- 1st time I lost it

It was middle school. I returned from one of my classes, going back to my locker. I have always been very careful with my jewelry since I value it greatly, and have a habit of regularly touching my neck to make sure all my necklaces are still there, and touching all my fingers with my thumbs to make sure all my rings are still in place. I tend to wear multiple necklaces and rings simultaneously, so it is how I make sure I have not lost any. However, as I was walking back to my locker, as I fumbled my fingers around my neck in panic, I couldn't feel the necklace. I started scrambling, getting increasing anxiety as I didnt know what to do. I was so baffled that I could have possibly lost that necklace out of all of them...when I never lose jewelry… I tried to backtrack my steps through the hallways and classrooms, looking into the square inch of the carpeted floors, hoping to catch a glimpse of the sparkling crystals in the silver cross but I had no luck. I had tears in my eyes but I had to go to my next class so I gave up. I posted a message to the school “lost and found” board, asking everyone to keep their eyes open for it, but no one else could find it either. Then, a few days later, I had to go ask a teacher about an assignment that I was working on. In order to do so I had to go to the 5th floor, where her office was. I had only 1 class on the 5th floor, so I rarely visited the hallway...perhaps only once or twice a week. At this point I had basically given up looking for the necklace so I wasn't particularly keeping my eyes out for it as I walked. But as I left her office and walked down the hallways filled with students, something randomly caught the corner of my eye. I had no idea what it was, and it didn't cross my mind that it could have been my necklace, but something in my gut just told me I should turn back and take a look at it. It was out of genuine curiosity that I turned back, even though it could have just been a coin, a snack wrapper, or any other piece of trash. I turned around and pushed through the other students to walk back. Stuck in the grate of the bottom locker closest to the stairwell door, barely hanging out before falling onto the hallway floor was my necklace. 

- 2nd time I lost it

I was out for christmas eve dinner with my mother in korea, and we were eating at a nice restaurant. I went to the bathroom and came back, and as I was sitting down, she pointed out that my necklace was missing, and asked where it was. At first I was calm, it probably just fell into my clothing. So I stood up, patted myself down, shook out all of my clothes and the jacket on my chair. But I still couldn't find it. I was wearing reasonably tight fitting clothing, so there weren't any folds or flaps that would have gotten caught in while I was shaking myself out. She suggested that perhaps I had dropped it in the bathroom, so I traced back my steps to the bathroom, checking every inch of the tiled floor in the bathroom and the hardwood floors in the restaurant. I made the trip back and forth several times but I could not find it. My anxiety rose and I panicked again and I was extremely upset and also confused. I didn't understand where it could have gone. I shook out my shirt and patted myself down one more time, but with no luck. I gave up, and as we were leaving, my mom asked the restaurant to keep their eye out for the necklace and call her if they ended up finding it. We got back in the car, and I was distraught. My dad had come to visit Korea that break (since he still lives in New York) and quarantined an Airbnb near our home. We stopped there on the way home to pick up some things from him that he had left outside his door for Christmas. I left the car, crossed the street, walked to the building, got into the elevator, went up to the fourth floor, and exited the elevator to walk across the hall to the apartment where he was staying. I picked up the bags left outside the door and walked back towards the elevators. There was someone else waiting for the elevators as well, and out of habit, I turned off the music playing in my AirPods just in case they were to say something to me. Does anyone talk to me in the elevator? No. But I hate being ignored by AirPods and wouldn’t want to protrude such a feeling to someone else. After turning off the AirPods, I heard the slightest clinking sound. I looked down, and on the floor of the elevator, just an inch from the crack between the elevator and the floor, there it was: my necklace. I still don't know where it fell out of, how I could not have found it when shaking out my clothes and patting myself down, how it didn't fall out earlier on the street while I was walking to and from the car where I could have never heard it fall, or anything else about it. Still, out of sheer luck, turning off the music allowed me to hear the small clink of it falling directly in front of me. 

- 3rd time I lost it

I was in a cafe with a friend in Korea, and we were all sitting in booth seats. I don't like putting my bags on the floor, because it tends to get scuffed and dirty, so in cafes and restaurants I always hang my backpack on the back of my chair. However, there is nowhere to hang it in booth settings, so I just put the bag on the booth seat in between my friend and I. In the middle of the conversation, he pointed out that the pendant on my necklace was gone. I thought maybe it had just moved to the back of the necklace, so I just felt around to twist it back to the front, but it was not there. Again I started to panic, but something inside of me was confident that I would find it again. I was anxious, but not as much as the first 2 times that I had lost it. Somehow I just knew inside that it wasn't lost. I got down on all fours and tried to search the floor for where it could have dropped, moving my bag around to see if it was on the booth seat, but I could not find it. Eventually, I gave up. I couldn't find it anywhere, and I decided that somehow I would probably find it on my way out when I wasn't looking (it turns out I didn't find it before I left..) A few days later, I searched for an eraser in the small outer pocket of my backpack, and I felt something small and hard. I pulled it out and it turned out to be the fallen pendant of my necklace. My guess is that with the backpack in between us, the pendant had fallen off perfectly into the opening of the small pocket of my bag, and stayed there until later when I had searched to find it. As I found it, I smiled widely because I had been right; I knew that I would find it again against all odds.

- 4th time I lost it

This time, I lost it in my house. Since I like to layer jewelry, I have a lot of different pieces. In order to keep me from losing them, I keep all the pieces that I do not wear daily in one of the cubbies of my cabinet. One day, as I was getting ready to go out with some friends, I decided that I wanted to wear the cross necklace. I don't wear it daily due to the value it has for me, and also because I did not change the faulty jumping until recently, and so it was quite a delicate piece. Confused, I started looking frantically for the necklace in the shelf, upturning all the boxes and other necklaces there. But this time, I was searching frantically out of frustration, not out of panic. I wasn't afraid that I had lost it, I just really wanted to wear it that day. I gave up out of frustration, as it wasn’t there. I searched my desk and my bedside table, hoping perhaps I had lazily taken it off and placed it there on a day when I was tired, but it wasn't there either. I was with a friend at the time, and I made a light-hearted joke that I must have lost it. I was with a friend at the time, and they looked at me concerned and confused. I am always cautious with my things, especially things that were expensive and/or sentimental. She asked me why I wasn't more concerned that I was missing a necklace, and I simply told her that it’ll come back on its own, that it always does. She was obviously very confused but shrugged it off, given that it wasn't her problem to worry about. I wasn't worried about losing the necklace at all. I was certain that it wasn't in my room as I had checked thoroughly enough, but I had a strong gut feeling that I would find it again, just like I always do. So I didn't worry about it and went on with my week. I ended up forgetting about it as I waited for it to just turn up. One day, around 2 weeks later, I remembered that I still haven't found the necklace. I decided to go ask my mom if she had seen it around the house. I walked out of my room to the living room to see my mom and grandmother talking in Korean. I couldn't understand what they were saying, so I just waited to ask until they were done talking. Before I could ask my mom about the necklace, she turned to me and told me that my grandmother had found a necklace in her clothes when she was folding the clean laundry and asked if it was mine. I was extremely surprised at the coincidence that after 2 weeks of losing it, at the exact moment that I decided to ask my mom to keep an eye out for it, my grandmother had found it and had been telling my mom about it. Also, the fact that it didn't get stuck in the machine, and that it was found nearly 2 weeks later, on the exact day that I remembered, I still haven't found it. Regardless, I was given back the necklace and felt satisfied in the fact that I had known that I would find it again when I was least expecting it. 

Each time that I lost the necklace, I found it when I was least expecting it and against multiple odds. It was almost as if the necklace kept “coming back to me” in a way. Something inside of me began to develop everytime I lost it, a sort of faith or certainty that it would find its way back to me and that I didn't really lose it for good. Each time I panicked less, scrambled less, and got less upset. Something inside of me just knew that I would find it again, no matter what, and that I didn't need to worry about it--to the point at which during the most recent time that I lost it, I didn't panic at all. Instead, I made light of the situation and trusted that I would find it again eventually.

As many precious things in life are fragile, vulnerable, and subject to bring tensions and frustrations, my neckless has taught me over the years to overcome various curveballs, the unexpected, and the disappointments through trust. The necklace my aunt was more than just a necklace. It has given me a strong sense of optimism that things will turn out to be okay in all situations.