I don’t really know what I ever could have done to make them this mean. I thought we were friends. I knew we weren’t close, but we have always been friends. Friends that see each other in the hallways and smile. Friends that sit next to each other at lunch. We went inseparable, but we were friends. So, I thought. But I don’t know anything anymore. Last year was so much easier. Everyone liked me. Everyone got along. I could make friends by being nice. I never had a problem with making friends. Why were things so different at this place? Making friends isn’t as simple as I thought. Is being mean really the only way to have a good school life?

I was never really a genius. I raised my hand as much as anyone else. I got good grades without having to study. But now, I am drowning in assignments. Studying is next to impossible for all of the many tests I have almost daily especially when I am not sure where to start. I feel like a fool. My grades are slipping almost as fast I used to while going down playground slides surrounded by all of my friends. Losing countless hours of sleep and never feeling like there is an end is normalized. Why am I struggling so bad? I am not ready for this place? Am I not smart enough?

I feel like I am constantly being compared as if I am a contestant in some kind of a sick contest that I didn’t sign up for. Nothing I do will ever be enough. Even the flaws of the most perfect person are targeted and exploited. I feel like the only way to not be called annoying is to rip your voice out and be silent. And when you are silent, you are called weird. All I want is to be expected. Why do I feel like I need to change? Do I need to change? When will I finally meet someone who doesn’t hate everything about me?

Why did I never imagine that high school would be this hard?