I  jump up and down in the narrow hallway outside of the gym, attempting to prepare myself for the nerves that are surely about to hit. I slide my hand along the edge of the “M” sign that I am holding. The sign is lightweight, a vivid blue and rough at the edges. It scratches my skin as I vigorously rub it across the palm of my hand. Although it is sort of painful, it calms my nerves momentarily. I know how this will happen. I am always excited for the event until the night before. Then all of a sudden I’m hit with nerves. Not yet anxious, but simply my brain thinking about all the ways that I can mess up. On the morning of the event I will get super hyped up and excited. I always feel like I want to jump up and down over and over and over again. And sometimes I do. The nerve will slowly start to build over the course of the day up until about five minutes before the event. That’s when the anxiety strikes. That is exactly what happened today. 

As I stand in the crowded hallway, I remember back to the beginning of the cheer season. This year, my cheer coach for Junior High is also coaching the high school cheer. To make her life easier, the junior high cheerleaders practiced with the high schoolers. As the season came to a close, the junior high cheerleaders didn't need to come to practice on Mondays anymore. Mondays were for the high school competition team to practice. The junior high cheerleaders were still allowed to come to those practices, but we would just work on our own. The first of those Mondays, I was the only junior high cheerleader that showed up. 

That Monday reminds me of today. I am a junior high student in a sea of mature highschoolers. My team and I are waiting in a thin hallway that way too many people are crammed into. The room seems to be getting smaller and smaller as we continue to wait to be called into the gym. The gym that we are performing in is a pretty average sized gym for a high school. A blue divider is rolled down from the ceiling that splits the gym. On one side of the divider, 10 fuzzy, blue mats are on the ground. Blue tape connects all of them, forming a rectangle. There is a team performing on it right now, but I’m too far away from the doors to see them. Stands line the walls and are almost filled with people. On the other side of the divider, a different team is waiting to perform. That’s where we will be in a matter of minutes. This competition means a lot to me. Cheer has been really rough for the past few years. There have been numerous times that I have begun to cry during games. When my peers watch me, it can take my confidence away quickly. Performing this routine makes me feel so confident! I know that no one from my school will see it, but if we win they will at least know that it must have been good. 

“Ok! You guys can head out,” announces a very cheerful lady, “Good luck!”

We respond with a chorus of thank yous and make our way through the doors to the empty side of the gym. Most of the team stretches and warms up to perform a routine in just a minute. I sit on the dusty gym floor against the wall. My coach attempts to start a conversation with me and not her teammate that I am stinting with. She fails. I would talk to her, however I just want to ignore her right now. Clearly, I am nervous and just need to sit and breathe for a minute. The nerves are starting to build. My stomach feels like it is filled with energetic bumble bees that are buzzing and rumbling. This routine makes me feel so confident and I want other people to see that. I know it's very egotistical of me, but I want people to see and know how good I am! 

Time feels like it is moving through jello, slowly and with resistance. The music starts for the next team's performance. We all gather around the edge of the blue wall and watch what we are competing against. Watching this team perform reminds me how I got here, beginning simply with watching. I remember sitting and watching ours competition team practice. This was like a dream come true for me. Ever since I learned that the high school had a competitive cheer team, I wanted to be on it. I cheered competitively for 5 or 6 years when I was young. I didn't want to stop, so I continued with tumbling lessons. I used junior high as a chance to learn sideline cheer so that hopefully I could be on the competitive team in high school. Watching them practice was so cool! As they were working, I was asked to stand in for a girl who had not come to practice for a lot of the season. I continued to come to the Monday practices and stand in for the same girl. I began to learn the routines and soon enough I was as good as the rest of the team. It’s crazy to think that I am here, on competition day, getting ready to compete! Mia, the captain of our team, starts pointing out what we have against them. Our jumps are cleaner, our tumbling is much better, our formations are cleaner, etc. Her points reassure the rest of us, however as time goes on, I get more and more nervous. Fear is now rippling through me like waves of an ocean, pulling out when I am calm and striking and crashing back moments later. Each wave feels strong enough to push me down, yet somehow I continue to stand straight. The team before us finishes and we watch them walk out of the gym. I want to win so badly. I want to win so that I can go back to school on Monday and be able to tell everyone that I won a high school cheer competition. If I can prove that cheer is something that isn’t really easy and that I am really good at it! I grab my big “M” sign and form a circle with my team at the edge of the blue mat. We all put our hands in. Mia talks about how we can do this, how we have worked so hard, how talented we are, and we all nod in agreement. I look around the circle at everyone on this team. Over the past few months they have really become a family to me. Throughout junior high, I have been made fun of a lot for doing cheerleading. Unlike 2000s high school movies, cheerleading isnt something that a lot of people do. I have started to cry during games because people make me feel embarrassed. Sometimes I lose my self confidence when I cheer. Being with the highschool cheerleaders has really regained my confidence when I cheer. Performing our routine makes me feel amazing! My team has reminded me that cheer is something that I should be proud of doing, and not ashamed. These people that I am surrounded by are so uplifting and kind. 

Mia counts us off and on three we all shout “WARRIORS!” We break the circle and run onto the mat. I hold my sign and head up high. Running onto the floor, jumping up and down, I flick my wrists to hit my forearms with the big “M’ that I am holding over and over, shaking the sign. I yell things like “GO WARRIORS,” and “LET'S GO MARIEMONT.” I take my place with a smile plastered on my face. It's funny how quickly a team can become a family. This family that I have become a part of has been built on a fuzzy blue mat. I will never forget this cheer competition, win or lose, because of the family I have made. Cheer might be something that I will get made fun of for doing, but I know I will never quit because other people make me. My fake smile turns into a real one the same moment our music begins.