So, like, okay, I totally think you should choose me for your class president. I may not seem like it, but I know a lot about politicy, and I know way more about this school. If you choose me, I will make the right changes so that, like, everyone can be happy- even all the emo kids.

First thing, I will make sure that there is always a low-carb meal option at lunch for those of you who need it. I will also make sure that Mrs. Smith in PE works you guys super hard so you can start looking beautiful again. For those of us who don’t need gym class, I will make sure proper alternatives are available, like make-up art classes, fashion design, and for the boys, there’ll be a classes on how to be good boyfriends and dressing for success. With this hour of the day in place in addition to new healthy lunches, I can guarantee that everyone will look and feel their best.

Just an aside for the ladies- as many of you have probably figured out, the school does not have enough electric voltage to power hairdryers in the ladies’ rooms. I have a plan for that. By shaving the some money off of the top of the budgets of the drama club, mathletic association, and AV crew, we’ll be able to buy the service plan we need. Drama never uses all the costumes they buy anyway.

Now for the guys, well, like, obviously I’m not a guy, so I don’t know what specific reforms you may need at this school, but if I’m electified, I can guarantee that I will do my best to work them out. My cell phone number is (781) 331-5555. If you give me a quick call, we can meet one-on-one and discuss any issues at the school you feel need to be resolved, and I can hear you best in this manner. I understand especially that the football team has a lot that they are trying to balance right now between classes and practice, so please don’t hesitate to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity.

I encourage you all to choose the best candidate in this election. I always try to see the bright side of things, even when there’s nothing good to look forward to. I want to get to know you all and spend time with you. I want to be really involved in all of your lives, whether directly or indirectly. If something is not going well for one of your friends, I would encourage you to let me know. I believe that if we all work together, we can all achieve our dreams. Look at me- I’ve always had total faith in myself, which is why I am such a great person.

I appreciate your time, consideration, and support. Thank you all. I’d have no chance of being president without you.