I opened my eyes and saw the empty space where she used to lay right next to me for thirty years. Her face was always bright and cheery when she awoke. But that was a long time ago. My wife, Abbie, was always the one person I could count on to be there for me. But now she was gone. She had passed unexpectedly a few decades ago, but for some reason I still have a hole in my heart. I cannot even say her name without feeling depressed, so I avoid it all together. An empty void that I don’t think can ever be fulfilled. Today would be another day with absolutely nothing to do, I thought to myself as I slowly got out of my bed. Every bone in my body ached and I felt as stiff as a piece of wood. Somehow I managed to walk across my room, my feet dragging on the rough carpet, into the tiny, dingy bathroom. The clay, sticky tiles were cold on my warm, hairy feet. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw another person staring back at me. It wasn’t the youthful smooth, regal face of the stag I once knew. Instead it was the remnants of an old, run down dog, with sunken eyes and ripples and folds for skin. The sight was rather depressing, but nonetheless, it was reality.
After my morning routine in the bathroom was finished, I got in the beat up Ford pick up truck that I bought in 1969. It was a beauty back then; she was bright blue and ran clean. I named her Shirlena. But now the old girl was rusted and required a lot of patience and care. I put the key into the ignition and patiently waited for Shirlena o wake up. Once she was on, I backed out and drove to McDonald’s. I was rather hungry this morning, and Mickey D’s sounded like the best place to go.
Once in the parking lot, I slowly eased myself out of Shirlena, locked the door, and then made my way into the fine eating establishment. Once inside the fresh aromas of coffee and French fries greeted me. I breathed a sigh of relief once I noticed some of he tables had been filled with some familiar faces. At least I didn’t have to eat alone like I normally do.
I went up to the counter ordered a senior coffee and deluxe breakfast. As soon as I had my food, I went and sat next to my old pal, Gus.
Gus was a really close friend. He’d been with me ever since we were kids. Gus was a good friend, a bit more serious than me. But that was good; it meant I didn’t get into too much trouble. His wife, Gertie was still around and always made the best sweets. I loved stopping over to stay for tea or a game of bridge. But every time I went over, it felt like something was missing, like there was a hole in my heart. And I only notice that void when specific events occur. The first is when I visit Gus and Gertie. The other time is when I’m around Ellen.
Ellen is another one of my… friends. She is a sweet woman, tall and elegant. The hands of time have barely touched her face. But every time she’s around me I feel that hole, that pain in my heart. It almost feels like someone “upstairs” is mad at me...
“Walter! You old coot! How’s the single life goin’ for ya?” Gus said in a rather chipper voice.
“Same old, same old, Gus,” I replied in an equally joyous voice.
“That’s not good man. You got to get out more!” He replied.
“Yeah, yeah,” I said in an agitated voice.
“Well why you don’t go out with that Ellen woman. Gertie told me she’s really nice, and not that big of a gossip like that Barbara Smith is,” Gus said with playing with his scrambled eggs. I was shocked. I didn’t know how to respond. And I knew my facial expressions read the same as my inner thoughts because when Gus looked up, something clicked.
“Wait!” he exclaimed, “You already love her! Don’t ya!”
“Well I-I…” I was stumbling over my words trying to come up with a good lie. Dang nab it! Gus figured me out. Might as well just tell him, I thought.
“Well, yes,” I said defeated, “I do and have for a while, but something always feels… wrong… like we shouldn’t be together…”
What are you talking about? She’s perfect! Why if Gertie wasn’t around, I’d, I’d take Ellen all for myself.” He exclaimed. We continued to argue about it, until I finally agreed to ask Ellen out the next time I saw her. After all Gus was right. Twenty years was long enough.
When I was finished with my breakfast, I hung around McDonald’s for a little longer. Gus stayed with me and he and I reminisced about the past. We had a great time laughing, crying, and just having fun; the time seemed to fly by. As we got up to leave, I noticed Ellen was walking to the door. Gus noticed too. He glanced sideways at me, and the look in his eyes told me, “If you don’t ask her now, I’ll knock your block off.” I simply nodded and once she was in the door, I went right up to her.
“Hello Ellen,” I said, trying to keep my cool.
“Oh hi there Walter, I didn’t notice you were here,” she said sounding a bit surprised.
“Yeah, Gus and I were just having breakfast and were headed off,” I replied casually.
“How nice,” she said with a pearly white smile, “Well I’ll just be on my way…”
“Ellen wait, I-I was wondering if-if you’d like to go out sometime,” I said. It sounded like I was going to have a stroke. She looked surprised at the question, and I was sure she would deny me.
“I’d love to,” she replied cheerily, “How about tonight around seven. Dinner at my place?”
“Oh sure that sounds great. I’ll see you around then. Bye.” I replied. I quickly walked out the door without looking back, climbed into Shirlena, and then drove home. Once at home, I began preparing for the date. I took a shower, shaved, laid out my clothes, I did everything. By the time seven o’clock rolled around, I looked very spiffy and was ready to leave.
I pulled up to her house, it looked beautiful. But for some reason there was that pain in my chest, right where the empty part of my heart was. But today I ignored it. I walked up to her front door and gently knocked. She quickly answered and looked lovely. Ellen was wearing a blue dress with pearls around her neck. She looked perfect. I stepped inside, she told me to take a seat in the dining room. I took my place and patiently waited for her to finish cooking dinner.
She had made a lovely chicken casserole. It was very delicious. For desert she had prepared a decadent cheesecake. My taste buds tingled with every morsel that went into my mouth. Throughout the entire meal we had casual conversation. We talked about the weather, my kids, her sister, politics, normal things like that. After dinner we sat in the living room, continuing our conversation over cups of coffee. All the while the void in my chest tingled.
“You know, I was kind of hoping we could get to know each other a little more this evening, you know on a personal level,” Ellen told me rather boldly.
“Yes I believe our conversations have made our relationship a little better,” I replied obliviously.
“No Walter, I don’t think you quite understand me.”
“Beg pardon?”
“You see, I’m a very lonely woman. And sometimes I’m so lonely I lie in bed at night thinking about you and imaging what we could be doing if you were there with me.” I had nothing to say to this. M y mouth was dry, my throat tight, my chest hurt like hell. I could feel sweat pouring out of every corner of my body. That’s when she kissed me. The kiss was hard and heavy and passionate. I didn’t know what to do, so I kissed her back. We continued this for quite a while. Then she began unbuttoning her dress, the piece of satin ell to the floor without a sound. Before I could stop her she began to unzip my pants and slide them off of me. I couldn’t think straight. I was dizzy, my chest tightened; there was a sharp pain in my arm. I couldn’t talk and before I knew it, everything went black.
The last thing I remember was her half naked, fragile figure on top of mine, passionately kissing me. I can’t tell you what else happened. Just that I’m now up here somewhere, floating around, drifting in and out of existence. I could see the funeral. Everything was black, the sky gray, and she was there, crying a lot, obviously missing me. But I couldn’t console her because we were now at different stages of life. She was present and I was simply observing. I guess in the end, our love could never be. Thanks to her, I found myself, the person I was truly meant to be. Thanks to Ellen, I could finally be with my real girl, my sweet, angelic, beautiful wife. My Abbie.