A hawk just waiting, waiting for the prey to reach that weak point, that point where nothing and no one can help you. In a way, I kind of prepared myself for whatever was coming, that way it wouldn’t be such a shock. It never would’ve because, well, because, it’s Carl. Why trouble myself with the suspense? Young for the way I feel some of my family members said at the time, but I knew me and I knew how I felt so it didn’t pay me any never mind. Not only did this behavior continue for weeks but he started to shift his position on the same couch he never left. Shifting as if he was trying to get a better view. Dude, are you serious? I’m nine years old, how much of a pervert can you be?!! Not to mention I’m your girlfriends daughter!!! With all my might I kept those thoughts in my head. There were, on numerous occasions, a lot of thoughts and comments I kept to myself. No one would’ve understood anyway. As best as I could, I disregarded him and everything about that low down dirty scum bag. But sometimes, it was just like his being disturbed every little ounce of me! For some reason I couldn’t get over the fact that due to my mother having appalling taste in men, I had to suffer. Yea, I know what your saying. She’s just trying to have a normal happy life and family. How is it a family if I absolutely despise the one you say you love? Why can’t she just be happy with me? I know we went through some hard times together and that everything hasn’t been the greatest but that’s what a real family is. As much as I would like to speak these words to my mother, it would break her lonely, desperate heart. How dare I put my mother in that position! After everything she’s been through for me, for us? I can’t bear to even think this. If only I had the courage. Sometimes, I just, UGHHHHHHH!! He just irks me past the limit. As I said before, ignoring is a hard thing to do when you clearly know that someone is no t only looking at you but watching and admiring in a pervertish, twisted way. This, along with the comments continued on for weeks upon weeks. So much so that I sort became accustomed to it. Might sound weird, but just don’t think of it in that way. Then SURPRISE! Something q ite new to his little game. I was walking across the living area where he sits all day everyday and he grabs my arm. In shock, I just shoot him a really defiled look. He understands the emotion in my face at this point and says “Relax, I just want a hug from my soon to be daughter. Act like I’m ya daddy.” What, MARRIAGE?!?!?! My mom can’t say yes to this piece of trash! And how dare he compare himself to my father. His lips should be cursed for those words that just came out of his mouth! But there is something much bigger than this going on. Why did Carl take it upon himself to give me a hug. I’m pretty sure he knows how much I loathe him and his being. But by then I was stuck. It started happening. Kissing……..Touching…………Yanking…………..Beating……………Pulling, on both sides. What could I have done? A 63 pound nine year old girl being RAPED by a man that could have well enough been my father or even grandfather! Trying as hard as I could to fight my way out of there and break free but it was as if he was eating my swats, scratches, and punches. There’s was nothing else that could’ve been done. HELPLESS!! Yea, that’s the word, helpless. I don’t understand why I felt so horrible. It was as if I had done that to him, but in all reality, it wasn’t. And his nonchalant manner infuriated me to the point where I wanted to die! You wanna know what else? The scum bag didn’t even have the decency to stay away from the house for a while. Wait scratch that, stay away forever…………….in a lifetime. He just came over every day like it was any regular summer day and did his normal thing, nothing. I know when you do something like that to someone, your supposed to act like everything’s honky dory but he was too casual about it. Even as if he had done this before. Had he? So many scenarios and different questions went through my head in those few minutes. One thing had the most attention in my head, how could you do this to your girlfriends nine year old daughter and then just get up and leave? Are you that much of a coward to pick on a defenseless little girl? Sometimes I think in my head that maybe he had a problem of his own and doing things he shouldn’t was the only outlet. Then something shouts back at me NO! He knew what he was doing and he knew very well. There are many other things to do in order to help with personal dilemmas. Now, I had my own dilemma and I’m just afraid no one will listen or understand. After all, I’m just a little defenseless nine year old girl. What can I do? My mother, the one who’s supposed to love me before she loves any one else will indubitably not believe or maybe even listen to me. She knows without a doubt that I HATE the man that she over and over tries to explain to me how much she loves him. Still don’t believe that foolish lie. I know exactly what she would say. How dare you Christi?! You’d stoop that low just to try to get rid of Carl? You should be ashamed of yourself and embarrassed. The typical thing a desperate, in denial woman would say. On the real, what woman, what mother would put their child on the back burn to fulfill her teenage desires? I sit and sit trying to come up with an answer. My mind is boggled every time. So who do I run to? My dad. He’s the only option. In my heart and mind I know that my father will kill that detestable alibi of the true meaning of a real man. Yea, I do despise this man with a passion but I would not stoop to the all time low of death. I just don’t have it in me. So plan dad was a HUGE no. And not only would he kill Carl, but he would give my mom the business. At least that’s what he used to say when they argued. You know, before they got a divorce. OOOOOOO, I know. I could call my aunts and uncles in New Jersey. But how would they get here without getting any information from my mom? I sure couldn’t help with that. So there you have it folks, no way out. No one around to help me, no family that could do any good. Only one way out. “Hello? Hi dad, it’s Christi.”




Mistake of A Lifetime
My dad is hotter than the sun in the middle of the Summer in the state of Texas. Trust me, that’s HOT! The conversation started off a little something like this. Christi! I was going to call you right after I got off work! Wow, it’s been way too long. I know it seems like I’ve been blowing you off but I’m busy right now and I can’t really talk. Hello, are you there?” he said to me. My heart was taking a nap in my lungs. There is no way I can tell him later, my mom will be home. “Oh, sorry. You know what, don’t worry about it. Bye dad.” “Wait, wait. Is there something going on? I can hear it in your voice. Did that scumbag Carl hurt my baby girl? I’ll kill him!!!!” See, I told you. He hasn’t heard anything and he’s already talking about murder. I couldn’t help but cry though, and I know that that gave it away. It was just that, I can not lie to my dad. So, I told him about the comments, the staring and then the incident. That horrible, horrible incident. The next day, I felt like crap. A worthless piece of crap that’s been throw out of a car on the freeway. How could I betray my mothers trust? How could I risk my mom’s perfect relationship due to my selfishness? She would never forgive me for what I’ve done, I know I wouldn’t.

My dad told me that he would come down and get me on the 16th; it was the 15th of July. No one knew what was going on, not even my own mother. Every time I pictured my dad stopping in front of our house in his maroon escalade, I felt as if I could die and be happy about it. Anything t get me out of the predicament that I’m in now. What would my mom think when she came in her house and saw Carl all beat up, bloody, and scarred? What conclusions would she come to? Carl would have to lie. He doesn’t have the balls to tell his girlfriend, (that word makes me cringe), that he raped his daughter so her dad came and whooped my tale. Not Carl, I know him too well (he just doesn’t know that). What bothered me the most is the horrific lie he would tell in order to get himself off the hook. My dad lived in what the less fortunate called the “suburbs”. But in all actuality, it was only town homes with four bedrooms with two and a half baths. One less bedroom and bathroom than in the houses where I lived. Truthfully, I liked, maybe even loved, my dads house WAY better than I liked having to stay here all day with Carl. Beside the fact that I haven’t seen my dad since maybe two or three months ago, this was and had always been a dream of mine. To be able to stay with my dad twenty four seven was like having a years worth of candy supply in your room. To any other normal kid that would be a dream of a lifetime, the thing is, I’m NOT and don’t think that I’ll ever be a normal kid. Actually, what is the definition of a normal kid? Well, the dictionary states these definitions under the word normal: Psychology. 1.Approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
2. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. Emotional adjustment and natural. There is no way in the world that a nine year old can act natural after everything that she’s been through. You could also say that I need an emotional adjustment, its just of matter of finding someone I can trust enough that’ll give it to me. In this case, it’s my dad. He’s the only one that ever gave a crap about me, the only one who never thought to ever put a woman, a cold hearted feeling less woman before his baby girl, his only child. That’s why I’ll always love him.

The 15th of July was coming to an end and I had to say that it felt great! My dads plan was working out perfectly and no one would ever know. The funny thing about this was that I didn’t fully understand what my dad meant when he told me that he was coming to get me on the 16th. He meant he was coming exactly on the 16th, meaning he was going to be in his escalade in front of the house at midnight and that he was going to flash his headlights for me to come out. Yea, my dad is insane in the membrane! Your probably wondering where my mom and Carl are going to be but that’s not even the hard part. My mom is working the late shift at her job which means she won’t be leaving her job until around 3am. Carl on the other hand, he’s probably somewhere getting drunk because of boredom. So he’s either going to come home early and not be sober enough to know or understand anything or he’s going to pull another all niter. Maybe even both. My dad would out smart my mom any day so it really didn’t matter if they were home or not. He claimed he wanted to sneak just for safety purposes. Ten o’clock came and went but then it felt like eleven o’clock came and stayed forever. It was like I would look at the clock and it would be 11:17pm and then I’d count five minutes in my head, look at the clock again and it would still be 11:17pm. Why must the time taunt me I kept asking myself? There’s no reason for the bullying or rudeness. After all, rudeness is unacceptable. Nothing would stop me from getting out of this hell on earth, not even time.
At exactly 11:58pm I already had my back pack on my back, my gym bag on my shoulder, and a mindset of happiness. I figured I’d stand outside so my dad wouldn’t have to flash lights at the house. It would just draw unneeded attention. As I looked at my watch, I started to feel a little doubtful. It was 12:37pm. It was final, my dad wasn’t coming. But, I did learn something new! Don’t get your hopes up for anything or anyone, you’ll just get your heart broken and your self esteem will go even lower on the radar. Jeez Christina! Why are you so full of yourself? When are you going to realize that no one really gives a crap about you or the way you feel? That little voice abuses my mind! Trying to ignore the truth but it’s so hard to avoid what’s constantly in your head. I guess I felt like I had at least one option. Now I know who I can trust. Me, myself, and I.