In September, my boyfriend told me he didn’t really care that I was depressed, and I had two panic attacks about school. To cope I drank a lot of tea
In October, I remember walking to my boyfriend’s house to break up with him because he made me cry a lot. It was chilly, but there were still a few blackberries on the bush. My boyfriend slapped me and he started crying
In November, I saw a girl sleeping at a bus stop with nothing but a hoodie and jeans to protect from the wind and rain, I wonder if she was cold even in her dreams
In december, I met the second boy I’d ever sleep with. I wanted his hands on my sides and his breath on my collarbone but I was too scared, so I kissed him on the cheek instead
In January, I spent most mornings at a cold bus stop with a tea thermos clasped in my frozen fingers, and sleepy, droopy eyes counting snowflakes
In February my cat, who’d been sick, got better, and the boy brought me a sunflower instead of a rose. He said it was because I needed a little more sunlight in my life. I think that was when i fell in love with him
in March my teacher told me I was failing science, my cat got worse and it rained a lot. My dad said I should lose a few pounds but I wasn’t sad because I wasn’t alone
In April I saw, at the same bus stop where I saw the girl in November, a note written on the wall in sharpie “Don’t give up okay? That’s too easy” The next day I wrote my first song
In May, it got really hot but I wouldn’t wear shorts because of what dad said in March, but the second boy I’d ever sleep with held my hand and said it was ok. We spent the day throwing grapes and trying to catch them with our mouths
In June, I had a dream about running over water, but the water was a river, and it was windy, and I’d never felt so free in my whole life. I went from 145 lbs to 135 lbs, but I still wouldn’t wear shorts
In July, my cousin got married. She let me bring the second boy I’d ever sleep with (though I hadn’t slept with him yet) and he looked handsome. I wore a yellow dress and we kissed after he got cake on my nose. I only had a bite or two of the cake.
In August, on the 12th, I slept with the second boy I’d ever sleep with, for the first time. I was so scared; I was scared he might scar me like my last boyfriend did, but also, I wanted to be close to him; as close as a person could get. He kept asking if I was alright and if he was hurting me.
No. No he wasn’t hurting me at all.