“Hi, I'm Dan. Let’s start this out from the beginning. “The video feed on my computer wasn’t very good but I could tell who the boy was on my screen. The dark brown of his hair was framed by the plain white wall behind him. His pale blue eyes bored into everyone that watched that video. I remembered him from some of my classes last year and he sat by me this semester during our chemistry class, he seemed so normal. I never knew how bad things had actually gotten for him. I knew he was gay but that kind of thing never mattered much to me.
“It was my freshman year when I realized that I liked guys as I should like girls simple as that. Nothing more, just that I liked guys. I had my first crush on a guy my freshman year. You all probably know him and are most likely friends with him. His name is Robert. I won’t mention a last name as to save him the embarrassment but he meant a lot to me. He was the popular kind of guy and had plenty of friends, even did some sports over the years that I went to school with him.” He paused to take a breath and then proceeded with his story. “Now back to me. I was never popular as most of you know. Some may not know who I am but others know me well as the gay kid in the back of the class. Most of you are bullies but some of you I would consider friends. The ones I would consider friends are the most unexpected people.”
“Some people bullied me after school and in the hallways my freshman year but most people avoided me or didn’t even know that I existed. I slipped under the radar with only a few friends. That’s the year that I met Robert. I sat next to him in one of my classes and we talked a few times but it was about nothing of importance. I realized the crush a couple of weeks after classes had started. But how could I say something to this boy that I barely knew and how could I even say something to myself about how I felt about him. It made me feel as if I was doing something wrong since my mom had said that being gay was a terrible thing. My family is very religious and not accepting of my sexuality.”
“Do you know what it is like to hide who you are from everyone around you including your family?” I paused the video to think about that question and realized that I did know how that felt but not because of my sexuality but of other things that I chose. Every day I tell my father what he wants to hear and not what I really want to say. I un pause the video and his voice pulls me back in, “If you don’t know what that is like then be lucky. That is a privilege that most people do not have. People like me.”
“Do you know what it is like to be lonely? I would bet that most of you will answer yes. Everyone is lonely in one way or another or has at least felt lonely. Whether you are the only one of your friends in a class or you have to ride the bus home alone every day. Everybody feels lonely. But do you know what it is like to feel lonely every second of every day? To have no one to talk to about your problems? That is how I felt. But I bet none of you knew that about me.” He pauses. “However loneliness is not the reason that I have chosen this path. That is only the a part of the reason that gives foot holds to the finale.”
“How many of you bullied me this year? Last year? Go ahead and raise your hand, no one will know. Was it just a little teasing? Or did you physically abuse me? I know who did what. No I don’t want revenge on you. I simply want you to own up to what you did to me every day that pushed me this far. Do you even remember what you did to me each day? I've been called so many names that I probably couldn’t repeat them all without making another video of just that alone. The most typical were fag, gay boy, fairy boy, and queer. But that is just some of the hundreds of names that you have called me.” A silent tear runs down his cheek as he continues. “What kind of response did you want from me? Did you get the response you want-“ I hear footsteps coming down the hall to my room and slam my computer shut, picking up a book just in time for my door to fling open. “What the hell are you doing in here?! I asked you to clean the kitchen and start dinner!” My dad’s face is red with anger as he closes in on me. The smell of alcohol fills my nose with each word. I hold up my arms in defense just as his fist comes flying at my cheek. I hear bone hit bone and tears swell up in my eyes.
“Now go do the dishes!” I bolt from the room tripping over my own feet as I go.
With the dishes done and dinner over I retreat back to my room. Dads T.V. blares the sound of COPS so I put my headphones in as my computer starts up. I wait until my page reloads and push play on the video.
“-ed. Did I break like you wanted me to? No. I stayed strong through all of your torture. Do you remember me crying or begging you to stop? No. I kept my head down and walked away when you said things about me. Since I have no one to talk to I sent out a copy of the journal that I used as my best friend to confide in. If you click the link below then you will be able to read all my thoughts in the past few years. It’s not day by day so don’t worry about it taking you forever to read. I wrote a new passage in the book every month so it’s only a few entries. Please read what I have to say. This story is a lot deeper than you know.” The video feed flicked off and other video suggestions flickered onto the screen.
I know that he tried to kill himself but I heard that it didn’t work. His brother found him in time to save his life. They had had him on a suicide watch the for a few days to make sure he didn’t tried again after he had failed before. Who was really to blame for that last push over the edge? The kids at school or his own family. I clicked the link that appeared in the description of the video that I had just watched. The journal entries started with mild problems and name calling but then progressed to more serious encounters that ended in violence or humiliation. I tear rolled down my cheek as I read one of the last entries and the encounter that took place for the poor kid in my class. He was at his gym locker after school when the basketball team stormed in to get ready for their daily practice. He bowed his head and started to shove all of his clothes into his backpack as they closed in on him. The intent of torture in their eyes was clear as the sky outside. They called him names and started to sexually harass him, laughing the whole time. They were never punished for he never had the nerve to tell the principle what had happened in fear that his mother might find out of his sexual preference. He was scared and alone. Each event was more heartbreaking and more repulsive than the last.
Pondering over the story that I had just read I logged on to the gossip page of the school. It was crazy how many things went on that no one, not even the people on this sight would know about. The bad parts of our school that no one would want everyone to see. As I click on the homepage button a new video pops up of Dan. Its recent so I click on it to see what information there is now on him since we haven't heard anything for a while.
The video loads and the camera of the webcam frames Dan’s face. Then he speaks “Hi, I'm Dan. You all know me and I’m sure there is many rumors going on around about me so I would like to set those records strait and let you all know the facts. Yes I tried to hurt myself not long ago but I'm doing better now. Yes I am now in therapy and on some medications that the doctor prescribed to me. Yes I am watched more closely now and won’t be returning to school for the remainder of the year but I’m doing just fine. I'm not scared to come back to school. I just don’t think that it would be a smart thing for me to do this year since I'm sure most of the bullying will not stop. And I realized one very important thing. I am not alone. I found out there is many kids like me that feel like they are alone in their situations. I have a new boyfriend from a different school now and he understands what I have gone through since he has gone through the same thing as me. No I’m not running away I’m just moving on with my life.”
He pauses and a smile forms at his lips. “Everyone may feel alone and they may be alone at times, but there is always someone that could help you with your problems. Everyone faces problems but you can always get help. Don’t be silent and speak up to someone if you are having problems. My loneliness led me into a depression but your loneliness doesn’t have to have the same effect on you. I was like a lone lion running on my own but you could be part of the pride.” One last smile formed on his lips and then the camera went blank.
The next day I talked to my councilor about my father’s abusive ways and his alcoholic problems.