"Hi may I help you?" A crabby receptionist asked from behind the main desk.
"Yes I would like to visit Callie Smith, a patient here please."
The lady looked at me uncertainly. "Your relationship to Ms.Smith please?"
"Lifelong best friend."
"I'll have to ask her doctor. It's going to take awhile."
I sat down on the couch in the waiting room and opened up a Good Housekeeping magazine, but nothing really interested me. I put the magazine down and started to think about Callie. I thought about the days when laughs, jokes and gossip weren't forced. I thought about the days I could see my best friend without the permission of a doctor. And most importantly, I thought about what happened to Callie's life to have her end up at this hospital.


"How does this one look?" I nearly fell off my chair laughing as Callie came out of the dressing room in a bright, yellow, feathered prom dress.
"Ryan will absolutely love this one" I said sarcastically between giggles.
"Really? I think he would like the puffy rainbow one better!" She said, playing along with the sarcasm.
"Let's just stick with the red one. You'll honestly look like a princess in that one."
"Thanks Doll, that sounds like a better idea than this dress that lady gaga threw up on anyways."
Callie and I were shopping for the junior prom coming up next month. Ryan Sanchez, the unbelievably hot quarterback for our state champion high school football team asked Callie and we had to find her the perfect dress. Although, Callie could probably pull of any dress. With her long, sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, and perfect complexion, Callie was the most pretty girl in the school. My mom always said she could pull off being Carrie Underwood's twin. And to top all that, Callie was the state champion for the 1600 meter in track and also cross country all three of her high school years. And as if that wasn't enough, she was the most sweetest person you could ever meet. You would have to have no heart to hate her.
"Could you unzip this dress for me?" Callie asked.
Once the dress was unzipped I noticed she had a few scratches across her hip. They didn't look serious, but I was still a little nervous.
"What happened to your hip?" I asked.
Her expression quickly changed. She looked away as if I was a stranger rather than her best friend.
But then she began to laugh as if it was nothing, "Funny story! So I ran into a tree the other day on a run. No big deal."
I will admit, she had me convinced.



"Ms. Smith is currently in a meeting with her psychiatrist. It will be over an hour." The receptionist said, interrupting my thoughts.
"Okay thank you. I'll just wait here." I told her.
She gave me a dirty look and went to reading something at her desk. I didn't want to think about all my memories with Callie, so I decided to play with my iPhone for awhile. But, a picture of us that was my screensaver from a few months ago brought all the memories back.


"It's better to feel pain than nothing at all. The opposite of love's indifference. Pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out, and I won't leave till' you come downstairs." Callie and I were screaming out our favorite song, Stubborn Love by The Lumineers on the way home from our monthly tradition of a shopping spree. Every third Sunday of the month after church we would go out for brunch, get our nails done, and go shopping. We've had this tradition for almost 3 years now, and I looked forward to them more than any other Once the song was over, Callie turned off the music completely. "You okay?" I asked her.
"Not really. I have to talk to you about something. I haven't told anyone and I'm honestly even scared to even tell you." She replied. "I care about you so much and I don't want this to hurt you."
"You know you can talk to me about anything."
She was silent for a few minutes when finally she drew in a deep breath and asked, "you know those scratches?"


My thoughts were interrupted once again by my phone ringing. I answered and it was, Ryan, Callie's prom date and now ex boyfriend. I answered and heard the expected words, "How is she?" Although Callie broke up with Ryan shortly before being admitted to the hospital, Ryan still cared deeply for Callie and was constantly asking me for updates. "I'm still waiting. She has a meeting with the psychiatrist." I told him.
"Ok just call me after please. How are you holding up?"
Ryan was the only person that asks me how I'm doing. No one realizes the emotional toll I was being put through because of Callie. No one realizes the numerous nights spent crying and worrying. No one realizes that every minute of these past few months I have wished I could take Callie's spot and suffer for her.
"I'm doing okay. Getting better, slowly but surely. Thanks for asking." I said.
"Anytime. Good luck and don't forget to call."
Once I hung up, I couldn't help but be pulled back into my last memories with Callie before everything went crazy.


After Callie had told me her story and explained the scratches, I had her park the car, due the fact we were almost at my house. I looked at her for a few seconds. She was looking out the car window, obviously ashamed at herself and i could hear her crying. I didn't know what to do so I rubbed her back and told her it was going to be okay and I was going to help her get through it. I started to cry a little too. I hated to see my best friend suffer this way.
"I don't understand." I whispered, breaking the uneasy silence.
"What don't you understand?" She asked.
"You have a perfect life. And an extraordinary life ahead of you. You have a full ride to Oregon as a junior for running, your dating the hottest guy in school, everyone loves you, you get good grades, and you have a best friend that cares about you so much. How could you possibly want to end it?"
She looked away again and was silent for a little bit.
"I've told you that my dad has been heavily drinking since my mom passed away. Well he started to drink even more now. Like he's even drinking in the morning. And when he's drunk he takes out all his anger on me. Like last week you know how I missed school? That's because when I told him I was leaving for school he grabbed my arm and told me that I'm a worthless piece of crap and he wished I didn't live because I bring all the memories of my mom back to him. He then slapped me and went back to the canteen filled with Lord knows what. This is happening almost every day now. I just can't take it anymore. And to top that, everything is just falling apart in my life. You and are the only two person that make me rethink the choice I have made so many times these past few weeks."
I didn't know what to say after that. "Callie your going to have to stay strong. Things might get hard but your going to have to work through them. I know you can and I'm going to be here with you every step of the way okay?"
She reached over the seat and gave me a hug. "Thank you." She whispered.


Once we got back to my house she gave me one final hug. "Please call me if you need anything. I'll be over in a heartbeat if you need me to be." I told her. She smiled and started to drive off. I headed back into the house and to my room to take in everything. As soon as I closed my door, the tears came. All those mental images of the cuts on her hip, all the things she hadn't told me, and I as her best friend had been been too blind to see came rushing to me.

A few hours later as I had struggled to collect myself, Callie called. "Cassie, I really have to talk to you. Talk me out of it. Please. I'm going to do it." I started to freak out. I had to stop this. She was hyperventilating on the other line. I could hear her quick breaths and sobs. "I'll be right over. Stay on the phone with me and please don't do anything." I reassured her that everything was going to be alright.

Within 10 minutes I was at her house. I went about 100 miles an hour trying to get to her house in time. As soon as I got there, I frantically ran the doorbell and got no answer. She was still on the line, as the minutes kept ticking on the call details. I yelled in the phone telling her to pick up. She wasn't answering. I could feel the fear building up in me. I started to panic and cry. I couldn't think of what to do. The fear was too great for what my best friend had done to herself. I finally decided to try the door and realized it was unlocked. I ran into her house, praying her dad was either passed out or gone. Luckily there was no sign of him. I rushed up her stairs and into her room. There was no sign of her. Breathe Me, by Sia, a popular song that was about a girl that cut herself was playing on repeat. Her phone was on the floor along with a letter to me. And on the computer was amount of Advil it takes to do the job. I began to panic even more not knowing where she was. I frantically ran around her house looking for her. Finally, I went in her basement and found the bathroom door to be closed and light shining under it. I tried opening it but it was locked.
"Callie open up please." I pleaded, the tears coming again.
No answer.
"Callie I'm serious please open up or say something so I know your okay."
"Just go away." The voice didn't sound like Callie's. This voice was distressed. Pained. It hurt me to hear this voice. It made me realize how even more real this was.
"Callie, I'm here to help you. Please just open the door."
"Go away. I don't need your help. I don't want you to see me this way. Go home. I hate you, and I don't want you here."
I was to shocked to speak. I stuttered for a few moments before saying, "If you don't want my help after this then that's fine. I won't talk to you anymore. But I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. Come out now."
She stepped out of the bathroom. I never again want to think of what I saw when that door opened. She immediately rushed and gave me a hug. "I need help." Was all she said.


The next day, it was labor day monday so we had no school. She called me asking if I could drive her to Timberline Knolls, the local rehab center. I was shocked. "What?" I asked.
"I have to go Cassie. I need help I can't do this to you or myself anymore." She replied.
"Is this really what you want?" I asked.
"I'm driving myself if you say no." She told me.
"I'll be over in 30 minutes." I said.

She had to get an inspection and was classified as an inpatient due to the fact she was suicidal, and had tried it 8 different times. I was asked to go back to her house and get all of her things. They also asked to speak to her parents. She couldn't stay without a guardian to sign the release. I went back to her house and got her bags and my parents, due to the fact her dad hasn't been home in 5 days now. They signed everything for her and them left. I told them I'll explain everything when I get home.

I was told I could visit Callie as much as I wanted during visiting hours, 7-7 every day. Only if okay with her doctor. And that's what I did. I went to see her before school and after practice every day.




"Ms?" My thoughts were interrupted for a final time by the receptionist. "You can go see her now." I hopped up and basically ran to her room. As soon as I walked in, I smiled.
"Hey girl, how was your day?" I tried to have normal responses when I saw her. Normally her responses were along the lines of, " Horrible", or " Just another day in hell." But today she smiled and said, " Want to help me pack?"