The rippled swimsuit hugged my skin as I tied the bows in the strings that held the sides together. I was shivering in my dank and cluttered dorm room, disgusted by the sight in the mirror. The bikini did not seem to flatter me with its green and blue stripes bulging and sinking, matching the terrain of my body. “I could just rip my fat off,” I thought as I pinched my thigh to make it look smaller. Looking out the window, the rain spattered on the wavy glass creating a teary-eyed filter over the cityscape. The dorm was freezing and it was even colder in a swimsuit.

I was invited to swim with my friends at the campus indoor pool, which was something that made me nervous. I hated the way I looked in a swimsuit. It completely exposed my fat body, it made me feel cold, and it basically showed others what I looked like naked. This wasn’t a problem for my friends though. All of my friends are skinny, beautiful, girls who can wear anything they want. Whereas I have to think about which type of jeans make me look the least fat.

“Iris come on, let’s go!” announced Amanda as she entered my dorm room. I quickly grabbed a sweatshirt and shorts to cover the mess of a swimsuit underneath. Amanda is my closest friend right now, and although she can be judgmental and impatient sometimes, she can be a good friend to have around. Following Amanda entered Sabrina, a girl that I, until recently, believed to be a well-off, rich kid. Sabrina always wore the most expensive and latest designer clothing sent to her from her grandparents. But it turns out that Sabrina is unemployed and if she drops below a 3.0 GPA, she loses her scholarship keeping her here, at NYU.


“Do you think this swimsuit makes my look too love-handle-ey? I just got it in the mail and I don’t know if it makes me look good or not,” Sabrina whined as Amanda and I were hardly listening.


“Nooooo, you look great! Wait ‘til those guys from marketing class see you!” Amanda answered in a fake concerned tone. I was glad that Amanda responded because I was too upset that Sabrina would even say such a thing around me. It doesn’t even matter what you wear when you’re a size two because when you turn to the side, nobody can even see you.


After grabbing our towels, we headed off to the pool. I don’t even know why I was going with them. I suppose I had nothing else better to do, and spending time with Amanda and Sabrina was better than studying for exams.

Entering the locker room, Amanda immediately stripped down and threw on her string bikini with pink polka dots all covering the fabric. Sabrina glanced at the mirror above the sinks, looked away automatically, and then snapped her head back to check her hair—or something wrong with her skin or something dumb like that. I set my bag on the ground and twiddled my fingers as I pretended to look focused on a thought. I then noticed the floor length mirror on the wall next to the purple lockers. Catching a glimpse of the way my hips pushed out from my torso, I instantly felt sick. I gazed in the mirror, intrigued at what I saw in the florescent lighting. How could someone dare to let themselves get chubby like this? I ate the same amount of food as everyone else and I even played basketball in high school, and yet I still seemed to be a size ten pant size. How does that work? The cellulite bumps stared at me as I started to feel anxious about entering the pool area in a swimsuit. Although I hated what I saw in the mirror, I couldn’t bring myself to look away. It was like I wanted to inspect my flaws in great detail to catch them before others do.After we finished getting ready in the locker room, we were ready to hit the pool. Amanda and Sabrina were talking about some lame accounting paper they had to write. I always felt out of their little loop. Half the time they were talking about their class work that had no relation to my major whatsoever, and the other half they were talking about their boyfriends or what happened at intermural soccer the other night. Doesn’t anybody talk about politics, art, or music anymore?
I was in a time in my life where the friends I had didn’t exactly meet my needs. The people that I should have been with were out of my reach. I never saw students from my writing and English classes, which were the people I wanted to be friends with. And even if I did see them, what would I say to them? “Hey random-girl-I-recognize-from-the-English-department, wanna hang out in my dorm sometime?”Amanda jumped right into the pool while Sabrina untied her tennis shoe laces and slipped out of her tiny shorts. I clutched an issue of Vogue while I stood there looking un-amused, still fully covered in my sweatshirt and shorts. There was no way I wanted to take off my shirt after the meeting I had with the mirror in the locker room, so I dropped my bag on a table and sat in a chair and opened up a page of the new magazine.
When I was with Amanda and Sabrina, I always felt like the odd one out. They were the pretty skinny girls, and although I wasn’t the most ugly girl in the world, there was defiantly a difference between us. Being around them, I felt like I always had to be perfect and hide my feelings, and pretend to care about their over-rated business and marketing classes.
“Iris, what are you doing?” Amanda asked from the shallow end of the pool. She was standing up with the water level at her waist. Her short blond hair was just a tad wet; making it look curled and almost styled that way on purpose. Her arms were so skinny and smooth, to match her slender neck and shoulders. The water perfectly framed her upper-body, making it seem like under the water, she was even tinier than above. “Why aren’t you in your suit? Get in here girl!” Amanda said again.“Oh, I’m just not really feeling the whole…water thing today. I feel kinda sick. I’ll stay and hang with you for a while though!” I quickly replied.“Lame!” Sabrina chimed in from the stairs leading into the pool.I watched the two of them swim in the water and mingle with other students. I could only imagine what those students would think if they saw me in a swimsuit.
Sabrina and Amanda were so pretty! How am I friends with them? They’re perfect! The worst part was, they weren’t mean people. Amanda and Sabrina were successful accounting and business majors that worked hard and had a lot of friends along the way. The problem with college is: everyone there is already smart, so even the pretty people are intelligent. In high school at least I could hide behind the fact of - “oh they’re pretty, too bad they have 5th grade-level reading skills.”Flipping to a page in the magazine, I viewed the pictures of living art. The models had perfect bodies, not distract readers from the clothing they were wearing. Then the haunting thoughts came back. What if I was in the magazine? This outfit would make my hips look huge, but on this girl, the pink trench coat just made her look even smaller. I gazed down at my legs, examining the thickness and blubber that made up my thighs.“Iris, after this can we go hang in you room?” asked Sabrina, “I don’t wanna go back to hang with Mandy.”Mandy was Sabrina’s nerdy roommate. She was a political science major that liked learning about foreign policy and current news around the country- of course Sabrina didn’t get along with her. Sabrina would constantly avoid hanging with Mandy by staying in my room along with Amanda. It was like they were just using me for my dorm room.“Yea, I suppose. I have a lot of homework to though so…” I replied.“Dude, Iris, you should just get in. The water is so warm!” Amanda coaxed in her warm, motherly tone.


“Yea, come on- maybe it will make you feel more relaxed,” suggested Sabrina.


Did I look like someone who needed to be relaxed? Was I making it apparent that I didn’t want to be there, or worse- that I was in fact afraid of my body? I couldn’t let them see my true feelings, that I wasn’t confident and strong like they were.


“Put on a happy face, just put on a happy face,” I thought to myself. There was no way that I could let this keep me from getting in a pool that I paid good money for in my tuition. I had to look strong, even if I didn’t feel it at the moment.


I took off my sweatshirt and shorts quickly so I could get into the water without delay. After I adjusted, the water felt refreshing and soft. I wish I had the whole pool to myself so I could just float on the surface all day. I don’t know why I originally was afraid of coming down to the pool. Drifting in the water, I forgot all the thoughts that entered my brain about my disgusting body.


I stopped and stood up in the water to start talking to Amanda, but when I got up, the girls were gone. Sabrina had taken Amanda to the opposite side of the pool to mingle with some guys from some lecture that...oh who cares where they’re from.


I want to say I didn’t expect that, but we all know that Amanda and Sabrina aren’t my ideal friends. Seeing Amanda and Sabrina leave me made me want to cry. In that moment, I realized that I had no true friends. I was alone. How could I handle the stress and solitude of college without somebody, anybody to actually care about me? The thoughts entered my mind once more- stronger than ever.


“I have no friends. I can’t make friends because I’m fat and ugly. I’m lonely and cold every night in my room. Maybe if I started to become more like Amanda and Sabrina, people would start to take interest in me. Right now I’m worthless. I’m just some fat writer that will end up poor and unable to book jobs. I’ll die alone. Alone in my apartment in some inner city slum, the only place I can afford with my fat-writer salary.”


I couldn’t handle it anymore. The realization that I had no friends and the day full of self-critiquing in the mirror was enough to make me emotionally distraught. I darted out of the pool, not even stopping to grab my clothing or bag. I ran into the locker room and opened a bathroom stall. I cried so hard that I didn’t care if anyone heard me.


How could they do this to me? Do I not deserve friends? What was so wrong with me that I couldn’t find a decent, relatable friend in this whole university? My face was so red I could see in the reflection on the stall door and my heart was racing along with my heavy breathing. I still sobbed as I ripped up the toilet paper in my hands that I was using as a tissue.


Then somebody entered the locker room- thank goodness it wasn’t Sabrina or Amanda. I stopped crying and pretended like I was actually using the stall for its intended purpose. I held my breath in silence, waiting for her to leave. Then she exited the room and I exhaled in relief.


Why was I pretending to be all right when I clearly wasn’t? Maybe I shouldn’t hide my emotions or my true self from others. I knew in that instant that I needed to get new friends- that I wanted to get new friends. I shouldn’t have to pretend I have something in common with someone, just so I can have a friend. I’ll just be myself and people can take it or leave it. I needed to find someone who cared about me, not what they look like in a designer swimsuit. I needed someone who I could talk to about real issues and things that I cared about, not what happened at intermural soccer. And most importantly, I needed a friend that I didn’t have to feel guilty about my body to be friends with them. I needed to stop trying to be something that I wasn’t, and stop pressuring myself over my body.


Determined to start fresh, without Sabrina or Amanda, I composed my self and went into the pool area with my head held high, scanning the tables for my clothing without haste. I walked over to the table and put on my towel. Leaving the pool, Sabrina and Amanda didn’t notice at all.


Back in my room, I cozied up in my biggest sweater and sweatpants, along with a warm scarf and socks. The room was lit with dim, warm lamps and I was surrounded with the comfort of my new mind-set. The dorm floor was almost empty. It was a Friday night and almost everybody was at some party or out with their friends.


I heard music playing quietly from down the hall, so I grabbed my coffee and peeked out the door. The only door open was Sabrina’s door, which was weird because the girls had not yet returned from the pool. I walked down the hallway and peered into the room to find Mandy sitting on the floor with her laptop open.


“Hey Mandy, have you seen Sabrina around?’ I asked.


“Have not!” Mandy replied, “Sorry, is my music too loud? I’m just looking up the new article on the Pulitzer Prize winners from this year.”


“Killer! We talked about that in class last week and I always like hearing who I should read next!” I laughed. “Do you think Sabina and Amanda will be back soon?”


“I don’t keep track of her. Do I look like a member of the intermural soccer team?” she snickered back.


“Duh, yea! I always see you in the hallway showin’ off your mad soccer skills.” I replied in a sarcastic tone.


“You gonna stand there and pretend to be funny, or are you going to sit down and read this with me?”


And as I sat down next to Mandy, I felt more at home than I ever have while living at NYU. I realized that trying to be something that I wasn’t or suppressing my feelings, was doing the exact opposite of what I wanted it to do. I was glad that I finally escaped my lack-luster friends and that I was on my way to bigger and better things with people that I didn’t have to lie to.