"Amanda! Amanda!" I turn my head to see who is calling my name. Relieved, I see Vanessa. She always helps me clear my mind. "What did you do this weekend? I didn’t see you at all." Crap, well there goes that. I rummage through my head to find an excuse as to why I dodged all her calls. "Oh, I got sick so I didn’t really feel like talking to anybody." Truthfully, it was a rough weekend. My dad didn’t get the promotion at work he wanted. I couldn't tell her that. She wouldn't understand why that stopped me from going out.
The bell interrupts our conversation, thankfully. We say our goodbyes quickly. While I'm walking to seventh hour English a thought pops into my mind, "maybe I could tell her everything, maybe she could help me." Wait, did I really just think that? No way could I ever tell her.
English is my favorite class of the day, even though it's the one I'm doing the worst in. Mrs. Johnson, the teacher, always understands when I have late homework. I feel like she knows but if she does, she hasn’t said anything. There was this one time a few months ago when my sleeves were up and she saw some of my bruises. The look I received from her was probably one of the worst. Ever since then she’s gave me a look that was almost identical, part of me likes to think she's asking how I am since nobody ever cares enough to ask me.
After English, my day just flies by. There really isn't much after that class anyways. My eighth hour class is just a class where I plan what I will be doing that night or that weekend. Tonight isn't a night where I want to anything, I just want to go home and sleep. My dad won't be home tonight, meaning it's the perfect night to just hang out.
My mom looks surprised as I walk through the door since I normally don’t come home until 11 or whenever I know my dad will be asleep. She doesn't say anything and I don’t mind it one bit. I have absolutely no respect for her, she makes me sick. I make a beeline to the bathroom to take a shower. Before I hop in, I scope out my bare body in the mirror. Nobody would think I’m beautiful ever again if they ever saw. The bruises on my stomach are the most fresh therefore the darkest. My eyes tear up but I start showering before I start crying.
I don't know why I'm exhausted. I go straight to bed after my shower and fall asleep within five minutes of lying there. I wake up covered in sweat; my shirt is soaking wet. Another bad dream, great. I'm afraid to be awake and I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m just like a rabbit, always in fear, jumping at the slightest sound. What happened to having dreams about boys? Instead I get to relive the latest beating. I already lived through it once and that was enough, I really don't need a second or fifth time.
The door slams and instantly after I already hear his voice. I make a quick prayer that he had a good day and isn't mad. Yeah right, I don’t even know why I hope anymore. He starts stumbling up the stairs, oh great, he's drunk. It's always worse when he's drunk. I never know what to do, should I just sit here and wait for him or make an effort to go hide even though I know he'll find me? I've tried all of that and none of it works, it's all the same. Maybe if he sees that I'm "sleeping" he won't wake me and do anything
"Wake up," he says, slurring his words. I ignore him and stay still. He walks over and jabs my back right on a bruise. I wince and he catches it, knowing I'm awake. He shoves me off my bed. "You better acknowledge me every time I talk to you." I fixate my eyes on the comer of the wall where it meets the floor. I know better than to say anything. He slaps my face and pushes me into the wall. "You're worthless," he says over and over. I close my eyes hoping it's all over. It is. I lucked out tonight. Some girls worry about covering their hickeys with foundation, I always have a new bruise to cover.
An hour later, my mom comes into my room, "Are you alright?"
"How about instead of asking how I am afterwards, you stop him before he does anything?" Right when the words left my mouth I regretted them. I know she hates herself for letting it happen but she's afraid of him. I don’t blame her, I am too. Tears form in her eyes and she comes and hugs me, "I'm so sorry, I promise one day we'1l get out." I doubt it. She's been saying that for years. We sit there crying together for the rest of the night.
All of these people always say “hi” to me and I don't know who they are. I barely even remember waking up this morning and going to school. Vanessa is blabbing on about some boy she hooked up with this past weekend. I tune her out and think about Josh. He hasn't been to school in a while, not that I'm complaining. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that night over the summer.
I had about five shots of Fleischmann's too many. Josh was the only person I knew at the party so I went to him for help. He told me he would take me to the bathroom so I could puke it all out. As he carried me up the stairs I knew I was lucky that he wouldn't leave me, so some guy could take advantage of me. Next thing I know I’m lying in some bed with Josh over me. He started to take off my clothes and I ask what he's doing, he responds with, "You got puke all over your clothes." I didn't even think twice or question him. Then he got on top of me. It felt like one of those dreams, the ones where you know you need to run away from something but your legs won't let you run. I couldn't run from this nightmare.
"Stop!"
"What?" Amanda looked at me so confused. "If you don’t want me to tell you about this kind of stuff it's okay."
"No it's fine, I like hearing it. I don't know why I said stop." I can’t believe I just said that out loud. I need to stop thinking about it. Okay, I got this. I pick my head up and my heart drops. My stomach is in my throat and I can’t breathe.
"Hey, ladies"
"Hey Josh! “Amanda responds in record time. Why is she blushing so much? I look at Josh as he's walking away he turns and winks at me.
"I think I'm going to be sick,” at the same time Amanda says, "Oh my gosh, isn't he so hot?" We both just look at each other and ignore what we just said.
Today was even longer than yesterday but at least it's over and done with. My mom says my dad won't be home for a while so I take advantage and watch TV until he does come home. Once I hear the car door slam I ran to my room and wait for him to come up here. It feels like ages that I’m lying there; maybe I'm in the clear tonight. My door is pushed open. Or not.
"Quick question." He says in a cocky voice.
"Uhh yeah, what is it?" I don’t know what else to say, I don't even know what's coming. All I know is to expect something bad.
"Why is there a positive pregnancy test in the garbage in your bathroom?"
"It's not mine, I promise!" I know it's useless, he can see through the lie. What was I supposed to say? "I got raped at a party and got pregnant from it?" That might've been the one thing worse than that lie.
He stares at me for 30 seconds longer than he should of. Without warning he lunges at me. I beg him to stop but it's no good, nothing ever stops him when he's like this. I try to think of happier times to distract me but right now I can't think of any. All of a sudden it stops like he was pulled off me, I open my eyes and there's cops holding back my dad. He's yelling at them, claiming he did nothing wrong while they pull him away in a cop car. My mom looks at me, "Today's the day, today is the day we're getting out. We won't be seeing him for a long time, if ever."
For the first time, I wake up feeling refreshed. I had a good night sleep, without being in fear that my door would open. Everybody at school knows; they're all looking at me with pity "Amanda!" I recognize Vanessa's voice yelling my name. I look at her and she has tears in her eyes. "Why did you never tell me? I'm so sorry."
"I really don't know," for some reason I felt guilty for not telling her.
"You can tell me anything and I'll always be here for you." She pulled me into a hug and in that moment I knew she was telling the truth.