“I just can't do it anymore, Alice. I'm sorry,” Ricky sighed to his soon to be ex-girlfriend, Alice Cren. “I've stuck with you through everything. But this- this is just too much for one heart to handle,” he said as he peered around the room at the empty beer bottles all over the floor.

“You're not even trying to hide it anymore, let alone change it!” His voice rose as he continued around the room, pointing at the remnants of the white powder that had once been on the table and the needles beside that. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and squatted down to Alice's level, who was on the floor sobbing. Her eyes stayed closed as he gently held her face up to his. His heart crumbled with the falling of every one of her tears.

“I love you, Alice, I do- but you need to learn to love yourself too. Call me when you're ready to open up and make a change, until then, get some rest.” Ricky helped her to her bed, turned out the light, and left. Alice then knew in her heart of hearts, that he wasn't coming back this time.

“I pray to God that you learn quickly, love,” Ricky mumbled to himself as he leaned his back on the front of her door, closed his eyes, and sunk slowly into his new found sorrow.


When Alice was an infant her father had been shot and killed in her backyard. Her mother, shortly thereafter, sprang from one abusive ex-criminal to the next leaving Alice with a broken heart and no father figure to be found. Because Alice's mother didn't even have control over her own life and well-being, her child suffered greatly. They fought constantly and after Alice was old enough to choose to stay away from her mother, that's what she did. At 22, all she had was her boyfriend, Ricky, and her inebriation.

Why, Alice thought to herself, why did I have to wake up? She let out a small whimper as the previous day began to play in her head. There was hardly enough room in there for her to remember to breathe every couple seconds, let alone recap horror stories of yesterday- or remember to set her alarm for work in the morning.

Damn it! She whined to herself as she slammed her fist down on the bed. She balled her fists, rubbed her eyes and looked around her room, or tried to rather, as the clear version of the room was running from her. She scrambled around for her phone. “Oh my God,” she sighed as she was about to go in to work almost an hour late. “What the-”

She couldn't quite remember why 911 was typed into her phone's emergency call box. She wobbled over to the coffee table in the middle of the room, grabbed what was left of her Grey Goose bottle, and said thankfully, “at least you're still here for me.” She smiled the most superficial smile one has ever seen and used her pinkies to gather the rest of the cocaine scattered on the table, and made two small lines.

Images raced through Alice's brain as the drug entered her system and began to recreate herself for her. She became a new person, an empty husk. Images came of last night, Ricky standing over her threatening her, “Alice, if you don't open your eyes I'm going to have to call the police, now, please look at me!” Well, that explains the emergency call. Those images quickly changing to those of her and Ricky standing in the backyard of their new home together with little ones running around. And then to those of Ricky walking out the door for the last time.

Her phone went off and Alice jumped out of her skin. She knew it would be work calling so she took the cap off of the Grey Goose bottle, took a healthy swig, and answered the phone. “I know, I know, Greg, I'm sorry. I'll be there in 10. I'm leaving now,” she pleaded. Click. “That went well.”

“When she gets here I'm going to blow a gasket!” roared Greg, Alice's new boss. “And I wondered why she hasn't been able to keep a job for longer than 2 months!” The elevator rang and Alice stumbled out.

“So, not only are you late, but you come in here looking like death, Ms. Cole?” Greg walked over to his victim. And reeking of booze? He noted to himself. Alice opened her mouth to try and explain, to pull some sort of reasoning out of thin air, but Greg held a hand up before she could even form a sentence.

“I think it would be best if you just turned right back around, Ms. Cole, and didn't worry about coming back,” Greg said as he shook his head. You can't help the hopeless.

Alice felt like she was watching this day from above. This isn't happening. She bit her lip and took the elevator back down. She drove to her mother's house, a place she thought naively that would give her comfort when everything else was wrong. She hated work, she hated her apartment, and she just wanted to be happy. Knock knock.

Her mother came to the door with a smile that fell as fast as a skyscraper in an earthquake. Her mother's eyes ran from the near black circles under Alice's eyes, to the overly protruding cheek bones on her face, to the track marks on her arms. She's got to be trying to kill herself.

“You are not welcome here,” her mother spoke with such disgust on her tongue. “Leave.”

“What did I do?” Alice asked in shock.

“What didn't you do? How many times have you almost given me a heart attack? Last night was too much, Alice. Ricky called me after he left you and told me to come by and make sure you weren't dead. Don't come around when you're not sober. I just can't see you like this anymore.” Her mother closed the door in her face.

Her immediate thought was to go to Ricky's, but that wasn't an option now. Her next thought was loneliness. She sank down in her car and threw her head back. Ricky had been the one person who had been there for her every single time she needed him. He stood by her side until his heart couldn't bear to see her endure this self-inflicted torture anymore. Here she was basically saying the man, the one and only man in her life that loved her endlessly and treated her with nothing but tenderness and respect, even when she was passed out in her own vomit on the floor, he was there cleaning her hair and reassuring her that she's gorgeous. It was her addiction, her sickness, that was taking him away from her. He loved her, why couldn't she love herself? It was time to swallow her pride and nothing else.

She was out of breath by time she got to his door and he had seen her running. He flung the door open and she sputtered out, “Teach me to love myself, so that I can love you like you have loved me.”