I may as well just walk around with a sign on my shirt. “Wh*re, B****, Worthless, Ugly, Fat…” maybe a different one for each day of the week; they’re thrown at me left and right every day anyways. My sister, Sarah, has been sticking up for me since the day I broke down in her arms, when I couldn’t bear the weight of the pain on my own anymore. I’ve been bullied for years. I’m a junior and high school and I feel like I’ll never be as strong as Sarah. She is my rock, role model, inspiration and most importantly my best friend. She’s always been the one to hold my hand and guide me through each day.
Never once has she made me feel that I should listen to all the people who caused those words to echo in my head every minute of the day. Despite her words of encouragement, I felt so torn apart inside. The knot in my throat was seldom gone; I went through the entire day fighting back tears. I spent the days in classes and the hallway avoiding eye contact. My eyes would always have tears aching to fall. It wasn’t until I got home that I’d allow them to stream like a river.
Sarah would sit with me rocking me back and forth, wiping my tears and caressing my hair until I was able to get words out in between heavy sobs. She always seemed to understand what I was going through, she knew that I locked things inside, all my feelings and thoughts; she also knew that she was the only one who had the key to the inside.
We never really talked about mom and dad’s divorce; there wasn’t a whole lot to say. I know it wasn’t easy on either of us, but I worry about when Sarah goes off to college. She promises me every time I bring it up that she’ll call me every night. It reassures me for the moment that I’ll still have my best friend caring about me. It’s comforting to know that even at a distance, someone makes the effort to make sure that you’re okay.

We have a bond like no other pair of siblings I’ve ever seen. Most siblings will do everything possible to avoid each other in school. Sarah and I are practically inseparable. If she knows that I’m having a bad day, she’ll meet me at the end of every class and take me to my new one. Holding my hand and talking to me about things to get my mind off of the bullying.

There were days when she would meet me in the bathroom to calm me down if I found that I couldn’t bear the weight of my sadness. Sarah has been my best friend since I could remember, we hardly ever fight. I could probably count the number of times we’ve ever fought on one hand. I just worry about her going off to college. She has a good head on her shoulders but I’m just a little nervous about her getting distant. I think my biggest fear is losing the connection I have with my sister.

As she sits with me in the bathroom of our house, she tells me about how she turned in all her assignments for the week. She seemed be a little bit less stressed as she gently braided by hair. She knew I liked my hair wavy and I know that she wanted to give me as much of a self-esteem boost as she could. Suddenly she froze, collected her thoughts and leaned forward.

“I forgot to tell you,” She whispered in my ear. “I think that Brian is cheating on me.”

“What could make you think that?” I was so surprised. Brian had been with Sarah for a year and a half. They always seemed happy together; he sent her flowers with written love notes and made her mixed CD’s. This wasn’t like Brian at all.

“I keep seeing him flirt with this new girl at the school. She’s tall with long blond hair, a pretty face with bright blue eyes; she makes him laugh like I’ve never heard him laugh before.” Sarah looked at herself in the mirror, pushed her dark brown hair behind her ears and sighed. Sadness glazed over her eyes and slowly spread to her entire body, weighing down on her she sat down on the edge of the tub.

I hadn’t seen Sarah cry often, she is the strongest person I know. It hit me funny when I saw fresh tears wash over her freckled face. It wasn’t something I was used to handling, but she was my role model. I tried comforting her the way she did for me.

“Sarah,” I sat next to her, rubbing her back and stroking her hair. “I think that he may just be a bit distracted right now. You both have been talking about college. I know you don’t like to think about it, but you’ll be separated next year and maybe he’s trying to get used to the distance by easing it in slowly.” I picked up her chin and wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes. She was silent as her brown eyes gradually raised up into mine.

“You’re the strongest person I know,” I reached down and held her hands. “Things will get better in time. We’re in this together. You’re always here for me when I need you and I’m not going to let you fall.” Sarah sighed deeply and rested her head on my shoulder. Wrapping my arms around her I kissed her head, “I love you,” I felt her squeeze my hand and tell me she loved me.

I stood up taking her hand and led her to her bedroom, flipped on the lights and sat her on the edge of her bed. “Let’s find something really cute for you to wear tomorrow,” I smiled at her as I opened up her closet.

“I know he likes it when I wear blues,” She stood behind me and started pulling out some clothes and tossing them on her bed. I wanted her to talk to me more but I knew that she would tell me more when she was ready. Mom was yelling at Ed downstairs. She was drunk again. Everything had changed since mom got remarried. She wasn’t the same person at all. Dad barely talked to us anymore. Ed was nice to us, but kept his distance.

After listening to some music to drown out the escalating volume of the argument downstairs, Sarah seemed to be happier. Her cell phone buzzed on her bedside table. It was Brian. I let be for a bit and went into my room. I packed up my books for school tomorrow, dreading the idea of going back again. I had tomorrow to get through and then a weekend to myself. Sarah and I were going to get breakfast Saturday morning; at least I had something to look forward to. A knock at my door turned my attention from my backpack.

“Anna?” Sarah was smiling. “Brian wants to take me out tomorrow night. I may ask him to come to breakfast on Saturday, if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course,” I smiled. “I’m going to go to bed though, let me know how it goes.” Looking up, I noted that a drizzle had started to tap on my skylight.

“Goodnight Anna,” She hugged me, longer than normal. I assumed it was from being upset. “I love you. Sweet dreams.” She grabbed my pinky and interlocked it with her own. This was something we’d done since we were little.

“Goodnight Sarah, I love you too.” We blew each other a kiss on her way out. I crawled into my bed. Laying in darkness I slipped into a restless sleep. A crack of thunder and whistling wind abruptly woke me up. The house was silent aside from the whirling chaos outside.
It was a matter of seconds before running into my sister’s room. I had done this before. She never made a comment about the fact that my anxiety got really high when there were storms. When I whispered, “Sarah, can I sleep with you tonight? This storm seems like it’s getting bad and I’m scared.” There was a response of silence with a harmony of rain and thunder in the background. Shaking, I crawled up next to her, she had never said no. I curled up next to her, nudging the side of my body against hers. I waited for her to pull me in closer by draping her arm over me and whispering “It’ll be over soon Anna,” I waited for what felt like an hour before turning and facing her.
“Sarah?” I whispered snuggling up to her and reaching for her hand. It only took a few seconds to realize that something was wrong and for it to register that she wasn’t just sleeping.
Her skin wasn’t warm but not yet cold and her chest ceased to rise and fall. I was in too much shock to scream, all I could do was stare. I noticed a note in her hand, the corner stained red. Following the trail of red led to her wrists, where a knife lay resting in her hand. Ripping the note from her hand I grabbed her hand and tried to say her name but nothing could come out but a sob, drowned out by the sound of the pouring rain and booming thunder.
My body quaked harder than the leaves barely holding onto the limbs of the tree. I felt shattered, empty and scared all at once. My fingers fumbled and tears dampened the surface of the note as I carefully unfolded it. Cringing at the delicate cursive flawlessly marked in ink on the paper, I read:
I had meant to go to bed
The darkness cradling me to sleep,
It sang me a sweet lullaby,
Giving me a comfort,
That I had always longed to keep.