Nick’s stomach twisted in knots as he made the final turn toward his destination. Somehow, the fifteen minute drive felt more like thirty seconds. The evenly spaced dogwood trees bordering the street seemed to be closing in as his journey neared its end. Their branches swayed to and fro in the warm summer breeze, laughing like demons at the man who feared his own children.
Nick thought about turning around but reconsidered when he saw the two blonde, little girls running down the driveway toward his truck. Though he would never admit it to anyone, he was nervous to see Ava and Jillian again. It had been three months since his last visit and he feared the girls would be disappointed when they realized that he wasn’t the man they had idealized him to be. He wasn’t meant to be a father.
“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” The girls sang as they hopped up and down, impatiently waiting for him to emerge from the truck. Their blue eyes sparkled in the sun as they anxiously stared up at him. For a second, he paused, wondering why he had bothered to come. He was no good for them. He felt like a square peg trying to fit through a round hole, but he knew that pretending to be a round peg was better than letting his daughters down.
“Hey girls,” he said cheerfully, not allowing his worry to show through his facade. “I’ve missed you!” The fake smile on his face almost masked the tears in his eyes.
Nick bent down and wrapped both girls in his arms. He hugged them tightly, wishing he was actually worthy of their love. He wanted to be a good father, but he didn’t know how. After the divorce, he lost all interest in parenting, distancing himself from his kids. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Ava and Jillian. He just knew that Carrie was a much better parent than he ever could be. She was a suburban caregiver while he was an urban playboy who could hardly care for himself. He wanted the best for Ava and Jillian and he believed that was Carrie.
When the girls cried, Carrie knew exactly what was wrong. She knew how to make them smile through tears. She knew what they needed and had all the tools to give it to them. She was a mother by instinct while he was only a father by blood. He loved Ava and Jillian, but he didn’t have anything to offer them. He was basically a child himself and he couldn’t bear for them to grow up and become like him.
***

“Where… are… we goin’… Daddy?” asked Jillian as she watched the familiar suburban streets fade into unknown highways.

“You guys are finally going to see where I live.”
He glanced back, watching as Jillian stuck her tongue in the space where her front teeth had been. It was obvious by her fascination with the gap that the teeth had just recently fallen out. He imagined her excitement after her first visit from the tooth fairy and was suddenly saddened by what he had already missed. Shaking off the pain in his heart, he reminded himself that the girls were better off without him.
“We just have to stop for gas. Then we’ll be on our way.”
“Okay…” the girls groaned.
The truck veered into the small Shell Station parking lot. The cracks in the asphalt indicated that the business had been there for awhile, but the three bright yellow pumps suggested that it had recently been renovated. There was only one other car in the lot, a mustard yellow Cadillac Seville. Ava squinted out the window trying to eliminate the glare from the midday sun.
“Is that car made of real gold?” she asked as she gawked at the car.
“Maybe. You never know these days,” Nick answered, not really paying attention to the question. “I’ll be right back.”
“Can I do it?” Jillian asked anxiously.
“Can you do what?”
“Can I pay? Pwease! Pwease! Pwease! Pretty…”
“Not this time. Stop asking.” He cut her off before she had time to finish.
“But Daddy!” she begged.
Click! He locked the car doors as he walked toward the little store, completely ignoring Jillian. Something was wrong. Nick may not have been an active parent, but he was never rude to his kids. Upset by his directness, Jillian began to cry.
“Why is Daddy so mean?”
Ava, being a bit more observant than Jillian, scrunched down in her seat and scanned the parking lot. All four men had exited the gold car and were casually looking around the parking lot. They were waiting for something.
“Get down Jillian!”
“What? Why? You’re not the boss a me!”
“Just do it Jilly!”
She unbuckled her car seat and scrunched down on the floor. Ava was two years older than Jillian, and even though she was only seven, Ava had a lot of authority over Jillian.
“You’re the meanest, bossiest sissy in the whole why world,” Jillian mumbled to herself.
Ava lifted her head to peak out the corner of the window. One of the men had gone into the store. Forcing herself to memorize the suspects, she wondered why they all had such big pants. Not one of them had pants that actually fit. They were all baggy and too low revealing the men’s underwear. She considered lending them her father’s belt but reconsidered when she remembered that something was wrong.
Inside the store, Nick was about to pay when the one of the men in oversized pants stopped him.
“Sir, do you have change for a ten? I want to buy a candy bar.”
“No, I don’t.” Nick said firmly. Why would anyone need change to pay a cashier?

“Yo, man! I was just askin’.” He seemed to be offended by Nick’s unwillingness to cooperate. “Why don’t you check anyway?” he smirked.
Nick took a step back. “I just want to get some gas and go home, and I’d advise you to let me do that.”
Looking at the man, Nick noticed that his undershirt was about two sizes too small while his jacket was at least a size too big. He had tattoos on every square inch of his pasty white body. A flint of light from the man’s side caught Nick’s eye. His heart began to race when he realized it was a gun. Suddenly, images of Ava and Jillian flooded into his mind. He couldn’t lose them.
“I think you need to leave,” he said resolutely.
“I don’t think you wanna mess with me.”
“I’m sorry. Was I not clear? You need to leave now.” Nick lifted his arm to his head, pretending to be calm and coincidentally pulling his shirt just high enough to reveal the gun and badge on his belt.
“Oh… Man…I just, I just wanted some change. I, I wasn’t doing nothin’. No problems here. I’ll be leavin’ now.” He scurried out the door, herding the other three men into the car. Nick followed close behind him, knowing Ava and Jillian were still in the truck. He thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest.
“Hi Daddy!” Jillian yelled squeezing her head out of the small back window.
Nick froze as he watched the men turn their heads toward his truck. All of the blood seemed to rush out of his body. How could she be so stupid? The man from inside the store grinned at Nick with a look so evil it seemed to be subhuman.
Without breaking eye contact with the man, Nick walked slowly to the truck. He couldn’t let the man know how afraid he was. His entire life was in that truck. He couldn’t live without Ava and Jillian. When he finally reached the driver’s side door, after what felt like hours, he put the key in the ignition and pressed the gas pedal to the floor. The truck left the gas station on what felt like two wheels. The girls struggled to put on their seatbelts as they swerved through traffic.
Once Nick was absolutely certain that they weren’t followed, he jerked the truck off to the road’s shoulder. He whipped open the back door and scrambled to get the girls’ seatbelts off. Ava quickly clicked herself out of her booster seat, but Jillian’s buckle was uncooperative. Nick gave up. He grabbed both girls in his arms, Jillian still in her car seat. The hug was so tight that Ava could hardly breathe. He put them down in front of him.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry!” he pleaded, eyes red with tears.
“For what, Daddy?” Jillian asked, confused.
“I haven’t been there for you girls, and I realize now that I was being selfish. You girls need a father, but even more than that I need my daughters. I can’t live without you guys. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you so much.”
At that moment, he realized how important he was to the girls. He would never be the perfect father, but he had to protect his children and that was something he was good at. Never again would he leave them. They needed him and he needed them.
“We love you too, Daddy!”