Expectations
Helen gazed absently at the kettle sitting on the stove. The red cashmere scarf she had been attempting to knit for the past three years lay forgotten in her hands yet again as she sat on the tattered sofa by the small fireplace, deep in thought.# The baby had just fallen asleep in her crib not moments ago, and the only sound in the house was the quiet melody of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star coming from the mobile above the crib. This had been Helen’s favorite song as a child. The stars and sky had always filled Helen with awe as she imagined the endless possibilities in life. Her dream job was to be a scientist, researching the solar system.# Well, it had been back when she could still dream, but times were different now.
EEEEEEEEE! Came the shrill screech of the kettle as the water boiled, followed immediately by the “Wahhhh wahh wahh!” of the baby who had been awoken yet again.
“Ugh!” Helen groaned, as she hefted herself out of her seat, the scarf falling to the red carpeted floor# in the process. It was going to be another tiresome day. Her one year and seven month old baby daughter, Janet, had been sick for a week already. She would not stop crying and Helen had no idea what to do. She had been meaning to take Janet to the hospital but could not afford to yet. She would need to work extra shifts at the bar to save up the cash.# As Helen walked the bottle of baby formula over to Janet’s crib, she could not help but ponder over her situation. How did it all come to this? Just two years ago, everything had been perfect. She had been a radiant nineteen year old, enrolled in the college of her dreams, and dating the love of her life. Her friends had looked up to her with awe and envy. How could one event have changed everything? Helen gazed down at Janet, still crying in her crib. Janet was a beautiful baby girl. She had dazzling green eyes, and her hair had grown in a rich, dark brown color; Janet looked just like her mother.#
Helen thought back to the day when she was first introduced to Janet, she had left the hospital shocked, but also excited. Sure, she expected some judgment from her family and peers and knew she would have to make many accommodations to her life from here on out, but her life was still going to be great; different, but great. She had just finished watching season three of Teen Mom. “Hmm maybe I’ll even get to be on the show!” She had thought, and giggled to herself.# She was a bit nervous about breaking the news to her boyfriend, Mark, but she knew Mark loved her more than anything and who knows, the baby might even strengthen their relationship. They were meant to be.
Helen snapped out of her thoughts as her phone rang, with the ringtone “Stupid Girls” by Pink.# It was Dan calling. Helen had met Dan a week ago during her shift. They had hit it off right away, chatting for hours under the dim red lights of the bar. She had given him her number, and he had left with the promise to meet up again. Helen had been searching for a suitable father for Janet since her heartbreaking break-up with Mark. Unfortunately, a few rounds of dating had only convinced Helen that all men were the same; they were only concerned with fun and lived in the moment without the least sense of responsibility. The mention of a baby girl was enough to scare each and every suitor away. The more straightforward ones let her know in the moment that they were not ready to take care of a child. Most simply never bothered to call again. Dating had become a tiring series of deja vu, but Janet needed a fatherly figure, and Helen was willing to make the effort for her baby girl. Hopefully Dan would be different.#
“Hi Helen! How are you doing?” came Dan’s voice from the phone, “Are you busy tomorrow night? Would you like to have dinner?” Helen glanced down at Janet. She would have to send Janet to the local nursery and call out of work for the night. She would also need to go shopping during the day for a new outfit. She had lost a lot of weight worrying about Janet’s illness and no longer fit in any of her dresses. Helen walked over to her closet and sadly ran her fingers down the white floral dress she had worn at graduation.
“Hey are you still there?” Dan’s voice interrupted her thoughts.

“Yeah!” Helen quickly snapped back into her conversation, “That sounds perfect!”

“Great! I’ll pick you up at 6:30! I can’t wait to see you!” Dan sounded extremely excited.
“Same, I’ll see you then.” Helen bit her bottom lip as she hung up the phone. She was nervous. Back in high school, Helen would have called up her two best friends Liz and Sammy. They would have chatted and laughed for hours about Dan and probably gone shopping together for the perfect outfit for Helen’s date. Liz and Sammy were gone now, living their own lives. In fact, she had pretty much stopped talking to anyone. When her friends found out he was pregnant, half had stopped speaking to her right then and there. Helen still remembered the smirks and retorts thrown at her by her so-called “friends”. With the few friends such as Liz and Sammy that had stayed loyal, connections had slowly fizzled as they went off to college, living the life that Helen had foreseen. Her only remaining human company was baby Janet and the men she had unsuccessfully dated. She knew she would need to find the perfect time to tell Dan about Janet. Each rejection reminded her of the painful experience of telling Mark about her pregnancy. This was an event she knew she could never forget.#
It had been a tuesday afternoon. Mark was at football practice, and Helen had headed over to deliver the news as soon as she left the hospital. The sun was just beginning to set, and Helen admired the red glowing sunset that matched the new red Volkswagen Jetta she was driving. She parked in her normal parking spot that overlooked the football field just below the hill and texted Mark to meet her when he was done practice. Ten minutes later, Mark pulled open the door and pulled himself up into the passenger seat. He was sweaty and covered in dirt, but Helen thought he looked more handsome than ever.
“Hey!” Mark had said, giving Helen a kiss, “What’s going on?” Helen looked into Mark’s gentle hazel-brown eyes. He loved her. He would take the news well. Taking a deep, Helen broke the news..
“Mark, I’m pregnant...” She had paused and looked up at Mark from beneath her lashes. Minutes of silences passed as the sun behind Mark slowly set, turning the sky from red to a dark purple. Mark’s expression was unreadable as the seconds ticked by.
“Hey... say something...” Helen remembered the nervousness anxiety she felt. This had not been the reaction she was expecting. He should have been happy for them, he should have been comforting her. They should have been planning out their future together!
“You’re serious?” Mark had finally asked, “Are you sure the test wasn’t wrong?”
“I was just at the hospital. The test was confirmed...” Helen was getting frustrated.
“How could that have happened? This sort of thing only happens in the movies! We’re so young! What are we going to do? How could you let this happen? This can’t be happening.” By this point, Mark’s panic had been evident on his face.
“How could I let this happen? Since when did this become my fault?!” Helen’s frustration was turning into anger. She had never seen Mark act like this.
“You’re pregnant! With a baby! Do your parents know? Are you actually going to have it? I don’t think i can deal with this. Is it even mine?!” Mark began to yell..
“Get out. Forget I even told you,” Helen was on the verge of tears. She could not believe it. As soon as Mark was out of the car, she had sped home as fast as she could with tears streaming down her face. That was the last full conversation the two of them ever had. It suddenly occurred to Helen that Janet had never even met her father.#
It was getting late. Janet had finally stopped crying and lay sleeping in her crib. Helen picked up the scarf she had been knitting and got into bed. She only managed to make two stitches before falling asleep.#
The next day after Helen woke up and brought Janet to the daycare, she went out and bought a new cute red halter dress from BCBG and got her nails done. Helen got home at 5:00 and did her hair and makeup, then sat on the couch, knitting her scarf, to wait for Dan. As 6:30 approached, Helen grew increasingly anxious. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked beautiful, with her green eyes gleaming and dark auburn hair curled and pulled back into a sleek side ponytail. It was the same hairstyle she had practiced for the senior prom she never attended with Mark. She had accessorised her dress with with a silver cardigan, black pumps, and the red diamond drop earrings that had been her 18th birthday present from Mark, but felt like something was missing.# She looked down at the scarf that was just about finished. She would need to add another stitch or two to finish up the scarf but it was wearable, and seemed right for the occasion. She wrapped the soft cashmere around her neck. There, now her outfit was complete.#
At 6:30 sharp, Dan shows up at Helen’s door with a red rose, and the date began. It went about much like any other fresh start. Dan was twenty three and working to obtain his law degree. He came from a traditional Italian family and loved surfing.The two chatted about their lives and their interests and everything was going great, but so had most of her other dates. Near the end of the night, Dan asked Helen if she wanted children.#
“Actually... I already have a child...” Helen knew this was the right time to tell Dan. “Her name is Janet and she’s a little over a year and a half.”
“Oh wow... you never mentioned her before...”
“I didn’t know how to bring it up. I was waiting for the right time to tell you. Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know... a baby is kind of a big deal...” Dan looked at Helen. He liked her alot but knew there was no way he could date a woman with a baby. It was too much for him to handle and he did not wish to lead her on. “Helen...” he started gently, “I’m just your average man. I’m still in school , working towards my degree. I’m not ready to raise a child. I like you a lot, but I don’t think this is going to work.
Helen had already seen this response coming. Dan wore the same expression all the other guys, including Mark had when Helen told them of the baby. They were all the same. They all felt the same way. Who would want to date a woman with a baby? Only on the Bachelorette do men swarm over single mothers.
“It’s getting late. I should head home and pick up Janet. Thank you for tonight.” Helen mumbled as she removed the napkin from her lap. It had been another waste of a day.
“Let me drive you.”
“No it’s fine, I’ll just take a cab. Thank you.”
“Call me if you ever need a friend! I’m here for you!”#

In her cab, Helen angrily tore off her scarf. The date had been a waste of time, leaving her with nothing but the flooding memories of her breakup with Mark yet again. Without thinking, she threw her scarf out the window and watched it fly through the night sky, a patch of red against the black before disappearing under the wheels of the cars behind her.# Helen felt her hopes vanish. Helen picked Janet up from the daycare, and the two retreated home to their apartment. As she walked in, Helen thought the red walls of her apartment looked faded, almost gray.# She put Janet in her crib and turned on the mobile. It was out of battery. No “Twinkle Twinkle” for the two ladies tonight.# This was her life now: an endless cycle of parenting, working, and sleeping, and the only thing she could do was accept it. Sighing, Helen sat back down on the couch and began to work on a new scarf, this one for Janet. #She promised herself she would never let Janet make the same mistakes as she had. Life was not like the movies.