~Alex

People don’t know how much they can hurt someone until it is too late, I am Alex and this is my story of how I was on top of the world, lost control, crashed and then somehow managed to get control of my life.
My story starts when I was a child:

As I child was also very cute I had long black hair with big brown eyes. I was always fairly short and a little heavier set than most children my age and as far as family goes I had 3 brothers and no sisters. We were all pretty well set. My grandma who happened to have thousands of dollars set gave it all to us when she passed away at the age of 93. My family and I moved down to Florida shortly after we inherited her money. My life as a child was amazing I had a few good friends, played softball spend my days studying for school, and playing sports. I loved being a child, I had no worries I didn’t care what people thought of me I just loved being alive. I was on top of the world!

Soon middle school came and I began to care about my appearance and how people saw me. As I said I had always been heavier than most kids and now people started noticing it and making little snotty comments and laughing whenever I ate the cold lunch my mom packed for me every morning because they were very large portions and a lot of junk food. They would all laugh and say there goes the whale; someday I swear she is going to explode! My only friend would just grab my hand and whisper in my ear I was perfect just the way I was so I would always just shrugged it off and ignore it. In 6th grade my only friend that had always been there for me moved to Oregon and we didn’t stay in touch. I was now alone facing the world by myself. My brothers were all younger than me so I had no one to stand up for me when people knocked my books out of my hands or when they stole my stuff and hid them around the school. I was the girl who everyone picked on and laughed at. I would often run home crying from school and go into my bedroom and stayed there until dinner, and then I would eat my bad day away. Food was always there for me, whenever I had a bad day I would grab a bag of chips and run up to my bedroom and cry and eat until supper. When I was in 7th grade I was up to almost 150 pounds and only 5’3’’my mom just said that it would all go away once I grew a little, but it never did. There was one group of girls who were always really mean to me; there were 3 of them they were Judy, Hannah, and Jill. All the guys liked them and followed them around like little puppy dogs even though they were really snotty and bullied everyone. They would often make snotty comments about my weight and the cloths I wore. People can be so mean and the group of girls would just laugh and laugh while I bit my lip trying not to burst into tears. The teachers of course never saw the group being mean to me so they just ignored me and told me to just fight through it, so I did. My mom would never know that I was crying she just though when I got home I immediately went upstairs and did my homework. My mom was also really busy with 3 little boys running around the house. My dad worked from noon to midnight every day, so I didn’t see him that often. But that didn’t really bother me we had never been that close anyways. Every day was a constant struggle and I just wanted to be accepted.

High school wasn’t any better my freshman year I was even heavier than before and the group just got skinnier and prettier. I quiet played softball because I couldn’t run fast enough and the group played softball and they would just make fun of me when I got out. To get my anger out on the group I would often pull little pranks and smile inside knowing that I was getting back at them. I would often go through their lockers and steal some of their homework and flush it down the toilet so then the teachers would yell at them, I would also bring 2 pairs of socks to school and then during gym I would make sure go get really sweaty and gross then I would put on my clean socks and put the sweaty ones in their lockers and laugh silently from the bathroom as they opened their locker in disgust as the smell was unbearable. Then I would have to bite my tongue from laughing so hard because then they would have to pick up my sweaty socks from between their books and throw them away. No one ever suspected me because I was invisible to the world.

After one really bad day where everyone laughed at me and called me the giant whale as I was changing in the locker room because my stretch marks were really bad on my stomach and legs. So they hid my cloths around the school and made me walk out with just bra and underwear and search around the school while everyone was in class, I decided to change. I was done being called fat and a whale so I stopped eating. Completely stopped, at first it was hard and my body grumbled for food, but I had to stay in control. After a week of only eating celery and carrots I got terrible headaches and was really dizzy all the time so I drank more water and that helped a little. When I got home my mom wouldn’t let me skip dinner so I would eat just a little and right when I was done I would go upstairs and put finger down my throat and puke up everything I had eaten for dinner. I finally felt in control of my life and I loved not eating, it was a challenge for me and every time I said no to food I felt a little better. I would go to school and still be made fun of, but after a month of not eating I had lost about 15 pounds. I was finally going to show the group that I was going to be skinny. My headaches got so bad that I couldn’t concentrate on doing homework or in school. But all that mattered was that I was losing weight. Every day after school I would go and run on the treadmill for an hour, I would have to stop about every 15 minutes because I would get so dizzy and shaky but I just told myself that it was just my body getting used to my new diet.

My junior year I was down to 100 pounds but I still was too fat still my thighs jiggled when I walked and I did not want to gain any more weight. My hair didn’t shine anymore and it fell out in large clumps whenever I brushed it. My skin was a sickly yellow and I was always cold my mom I know was worried about me but I would always tell her I felt amazing because I had lost so much weight, and I was just a little stressed with school and the truth was I was now addicted to losing weight, nobody made fun of me because I was fat which felt amazing and I had to buy a whole new wardrobe because I was so skinny my cheekbones stuck out really far and I was often so tired I could barely stay awake during classes and my head hurt constantly. My little brothers would often grab my hands and let go immediately because they were so cold. Every day I had to wear a long sleeve shirt and 2 sweatshirts and I was still ice cold. The group started talking to me and I finally knew I had won! I was finally good enough for them, in fact I was skinnier than they were and we stopped pulling pranks on each other and I started hanging out with them. I was so happy. My mom and I would constantly get in fights because I was so skinny and she was worried but I told her I was fine and this is what I should weigh. Me and Hannah became extremely close but she told me that if I wanted to be one of their group I would have to prove that I was worthy and all I had to do was dump my lunch tray all over a short plump little freshman named Amy. I knew it was bad but I couldn’t help it I just wanted to be accepted. So I that day at lunch which of course was spaghetti I pretended to trip and I dumped my tray all over the freshman, I felt terrible of what I had just done but I couldn’t help but smile when the deed was done because I was now accepted and part of the group. I saw Amy later that day and the front of her shirt was stained a deep red along with the front of her pants and I felt terrible, she wouldn’t even make eye contact with me as I passed her in the hallway, but it didn’t matter anymore to me because I was now accepted into the popular group the treated me okay. I would get there books for them and lend them make-up when they needed it. But they were also my friends, something I had never experienced before.

Now even though I was part of the group I still was to fat, even though they didn’t say anything about my weight I knew deep down I was too fat. I made sure to read every label before I ate it and read lots of dieting books. Every morning I would wake up and look in the mirror and tell myself “you are too fat” “you fat whale, nobody likes you” and that is how I would start every morning. I also weighed myself twice a day making sure it time it was lower than the time before or I would go jogging.

This happened all through high school, when I graduated I was down to 77 pounds. Once I graduated enough was enough for my mom. We were going to our cabin so I packed my bikini and cloths and we headed up there. This was the first time since I started dieting that she saw my whole body because I had always worn sweatshirts because I was so cold and what she say scared her to death. I remember that day like it was yesterday. We drove for about 2 hours then we arrived at our cabin my brothers were all excited about going swimming so we decided the first thing we would do it go swimming and I agreed. When we got there I changed quickly and then walked over to the mirror I saw myself as a fat giant. But how everyone else would see me as a starving girl, all my skin was yellow; my eyes had huge black bags under them, my ribs stuck out extremely far, my hip bones also stuck out. The only thing you could see on my body was bones, no meat or fat anywhere. My arms looked like little twigs and looking back I realized how I thought I was still fat I remember telling myself to not forget to go jogging tonight and count my calories.

I walked out the cabin door and when my mom saw me she burst out crying she runs up to me and yells “what have you done honey?” I don’t have anything to say to her but she says “why didn’t you tell me” my brothers just stare at me and I see my father can’t even look at me. I never knew this would affect my whole family. I finally can’t take it anymore and I break down crying and fall into my mother’s arms. I whisper in her ear “why can’t I ever be good enough?” and my mother whispers back “grab your cloths and get in the truck” I head inside my head spinning with emotions I don’t even know what to say or what to think. I grab my cloths and get in the truck my head is pounding and I can barely take it when I walk out everyone is in the truck and my dad starts it as soon as I get in and we drive.

The drive to the hospital is short and fast my head is pounding the whole time my mind is spinning my mom is crying and my dad can’t look me in the eyes. We walk in and I sit down while my mom goes and whispers to the E.R. nurse I can hear them whispering about me and I finally can’t take it any more I burst out crying my dad pulls me close and hugs me. I start to notice a dark circle forming in the corner or my eyes I start to get dizzy but I’m so weak I can’t even speak. The darkness soon takes over my body and I fall limp.

I wake up slowly my arms tingle and I look down and they have I.V.s in them my body is warm for the first time in over 3 years. I look around the room and I see my mom she jumps up and runs over to me when she sees me look at her. She gives me a huge hug and starts crying. She hits the nurse’s button and a heavy set nurse walks in smiling. She acts how I feel and right now I feel amazing the best I’ve felt in a really long time. She grabs my hand and says that’s a good thing. Then says I am “grace and I from the nutritionist site down town I am here with some other workers and we are her to sit down with you and talk about what is going on right now, we are going to help you get back to your old self again just trust me and everything will be okay. For the first time in 3 years I know there was hope for me, I was going to be okay and I couldn’t wait.