Lily’s her name, I think. It’s a simple name for a not-so-simple girl. I’ve known her for most of my life without ever really having met the girl behind the fake confidence. She’s more guarded than any other girl I’ve met, and yet she struts jauntily through the hallways in tube tops and mini skirts looking more vulnerable than anyone. A dead mother. An alcoholic father. What has she got to lose?

Plenty. It seems like she doesn’t care anyway, because right about when she’s about to get close to happiness she just throws it away, leaving behind broken hearts in her path. Maybe she’d rather give up than see herself fail.

Is it her fault? No. Then who’s to blame for the girl without a mother? The good boys with broken hearts? No one can answer.

She wants something desperately until she gets it. And then suddenly reality comes crashing down on top of her and she’s forced to get up off the floor, replace her armor and walk away from the fight. No matter what happens she loses. When she falls she gets back up, laughs it off with sore pride and a few more cracks in her already fragile spirit. When she wins she almost seems surprised, but no one else is. We all know what she is capable of. The problem is that she never goes after the right things.

She wants power. She demands it, but when she gets it she’s left only with herself and that terrifies her. She needs someone there to let her know that she’s not alone, but she’s spent her whole life pushing people away. No one is there to help her when she needs them the most.

I’m sure she’s heard the whispers. She’s had to—she’s the biggest scandal that most of these people have ever talked about. We pity her, we pray for her wellbeing, but nobody’s willing to step up to help her, except once the chemistry teacher at the high school. It did hardly any good, but it wasn’t because the teacher didn’t do enough—it was because she couldn’t do it alone. Lily might have been well cared for in the chemistry classroom, but what good does that do when the rest of your day is spent surrounded by people who won’t go near you?

I’ve wondered why she plays the games she does. Is it about not caring about her life, like she wants everyone to think? No, I’m sure of it. Lily is many things, but is she a person who throws her life away for nothing? No. It has to be something bigger than that. She may be chipped at the edges, but she is not defeated yet.

Once I saw someone ask her if she ever felt sorry for what she’d done. The comment seemed to reopen a wound, and I see a spark of something in her eyes. A bit of regret, a hint of sadness. And it’s gone. If I’d blinked I would’ve missed it. She yells something incoherent in the direction of the asker and walks away; her head hanging a little lower than before.