Have you every felt out of breath? Trapped even? Do you wish you could fly away and disappear? That how I felt when I saw you. Thats how you felt when you saw me.


I hate remembering. I hate others remembering. I hate being in pain. I hate it when I see you in pain. But just as roses are red and beautiful, we can also...we are beautiful.But a rose also has thorns. We have pain. As my breathing shortness and I feel inclined to tell you I despise all the pain. You stare at me and tell me that I'm your thorns. A knife is pierced through me. As I feel an impossible anguish. My mind goes blurry and dizzy. My chest feels compressed and I feel like the world is closing in on me. The world spins and i feel like my world should end now. You walked off and left me a broken corpse. I remember not having enough strength and meaning to live. To get out of bed and live. BUt not a single tear is shed. Tear is weakness. I wont cry.



Life is like little pure white hibiscus. So beautiful and elegant. All we have to do is honer it. But every beauty has its ugliness. Life is too loud. I hate being out with all the senseless noise. Have you ever heard a water fall? Have you ever heard the Niagara Falls? Thats how every ones voice sounds like. A roaring sound with out any meaning but noise. Be quiet....quiet.....quiet! Don't you hear me!


I'v never been the angry, tempered type. But every one has there braking point. My mind stopped functioning. I stop thinking right. I only have one thought in mind. Stop! Stop!. My face feels red. My eyes are at the verge of tears as I bare my teeth and make my hands into fists. I take big heavy breaths as the world just blanks out. "Why did you do this? Do you hear me?" a man asks. Well, it more as demanding. Thats when I woke up. I was in jail! I was in jail!. "Talk to me sweet heart. I know your good" the man says to me. " What?" my voice is rusty after using it so little. "Why did you attack the innocent people at the park?" He asks so patiently. I wonder how much he makes to act like this. " I don't know....I don't know" I repeat over and over and start to rock back and forth. I don't know. I've never hurt any one before. But all at once I found out I'm a thorn to you. I then hurt other for being happy. Whats wrong with me? Whats wrong/


"Cry. Have you cried?" My shrink asks me. The court decided I was emotionally struggling. Being I had not sent any one in the hospital I could leave. "No." I answer dully and lifeless. The shrink leans in. "Thats your problem. You need to cry. We need to cry to heal. And until you cry, you wont heal." The shrink advices me. "i can't cry. Crying is weakness." I answer as I stand and leave. I remember how you use to look at me. I know how I used to look at you.


I hear a cry after some blocks from the shrinks office. I look behind a trash bin to see a baby. It was a girl wrapped in ragged. She was under fed. Hungry for probably one to two days. I raced to the hospital with a new sense of urgency and reason. When I reached the hospital I demanded this an emergency, following her to the emergency room. She was abandoned. Left behind to die. I stayed there anxiously. Waiting. Waiting.


The doctor came out. he smiled at me and said, "you're a good person. That baby would have died. She has no parents evidential. But", I cut him short "I'll take her. Give her to me."


I wasn't in peace until a week later when I had her in my hands as my little girl. When I saw her small peaceful face which had already forgotten all of its sadness. I, at that moment felt tears gather up in my eyes and I cried. I cried hard and long. The baby looked at me in wonder as I cried from the soul.
I had been your thorn . You had saved me by giving up your life when that bull-it at the subway was triggered at me. Thank you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had been your thorn and pain. But I am happy. And I'm sorry for not honoring your white pure hibiscus.