You are probably wondering why I did this to myself. you are probably sitting there wondering why did she have to runaway. She could have talked to any of us about her problems. What lead her to do something so horrible? Don't you see it was not just one thing it was many things over the course of my life. You can say you would have been there for me but deep down we both know thats a lie. I knew you would have walked away soon as I let you in thats what you all have done always.

Not a day has there been where I did not wish I was different. I wished that I could open up and feel things more , but I guess thats what years of suppressing your feelings does. It makes you go numb and did you know that this numbness can slowly kill you on the inside? I am not sure when it started or when my life started to become out of my control. For as long as I can remember I have been told what to do, what to say, how to behave properly, and sometimes even how I am allowed to feel. When I was little and I started to cry when I got yelled at I remember you yelling at me to stop crying... I guess that was when I realized that in this world no one cared if u cried they prefered if u didnt feel altogether. I suppose that when I tried to stop feeling.

I remember mom that one night you and dad were having a bad fight and you came into my room later on, not even for a second thinking how horrible I felt about you two fighting, and said the only reason we fight is because of you. I guess thats when I realized that you were alone in this world. I foolishly at one point you would be the one to stick up for me but that day I realized mom that you blamed me for something I didn't even realize I had done. You planted that seed of hatred for myself inside me. How could I not hate myself when all I saw from a young age was fighting between my parents and I felt responsible for this somehow. I spend my whole life with you trying to make up for it but now I am tired. I guess thats one of the reasons I ran away because I didn't want to be a cause of that anymore. I am sure you are better off without me around.

Never having anyone to talk to didn't help either. You see when I had my first heartbreak, because I had foolishly believed that things would last, I had no one to cry to. I never thought a heartbreak could be this painful. every part of my body hurt and it didn't go away for three years. there are nights that I still cry over him because he made me realize I shouldn't trust what people say. Maybe that's why to this day I trust no one. People tell me to let go of stuff and walk away like it's so easy but how easy is it really to walk away from your first love.

When I was trying to figure out my major for college you never once helped u pressured me to pick something. I was so confused then don't you see? I was in such a vulnerable state in my life. Nothing made sense to me. I didn't know how to control my life or where it was going or what I even wanted to do and you added pressure on top of that. I kept asking for help in my own way and you didn't even turn around and look. When u kept pressuring me to lose weight it didn't make me feel good you see because after years I felt good about my body. I didn't always feel dizzy anymore or tired! Sure I wasn't a size two skinny but even when I was ok with it you weren't and that caused me to go back to how I was. Always trying to have the perfect body. It makes me feel horrible now when I don't have the perfect body. I wish you would just accept the way I was instead of humiliating me in public for gaining a little weight. I like how your friends stuck up for me even though you were my family and you were supposed to be the one sticking up for me. That's when I stopped trusting family I guess

You see I ran away from you because even if I stayed there was no one I could run to. I ran away because I got tired of changing myself for you. I got tired of trying to fit into your ideals. I found someone who finally loved me as I am. That's why I ran away because now I have someone who u tried to take away from me even though you knew he was the only thing that made me happy. So I ran away with him to have a new life. Maybe it's not a perfect one or up to your ideals but all I know is its my life and I finally have control over it. Wherever I am I hope u don't come looking for me because I am finally happy.