“Why can’t you just listen to me, why do you always have to yell at me? If you would just listen” this is always what’s coming out of my mouth. My names Sadie and this is the story of my life, my feelings, and well me. I think I’ll start off telling about what my life was like before it turned to this. I’ve been a good girl pretty much all my life. I didn’t do very much bad stuff as a kid but I loved getting all my parents attention. And still do! I often get told story’s of when I was a baby how my dad would drive me around town in the middle of the night to get me to sleep. I think it’s funny….maybe that’s why I hate car rides so much now a days. But now its fall of my fifteenth year, I just turned fifteen in August. I didn’t have a party but that’s okay. I just pretend like I don’t care because nobody else cares so why should I? I have this uh let’s call him a guy friend; I’ve known him for just about forever. Not really forever only since the fourth grade but still. He’s so cute and funny; he smells amazing and loves to make me smile. His name is Samuel. And in case you didn’t realize by the way I introduced him, I’ve got the biggest crush on him and have since the first day I met him. Samuels best friends with my older brother so he’s at my house a lot. We text all the time but we don’t really talk when he’s here. I don’t understand why though. None of my family knows that I like him, only my best friend Elizabeth knows about him. Liz and I tell each other everything. We hang out like all the time I love her to death. She’s great, but I’m getting side tracked. Back to Samuel. Its October now and he’s coming over to see my brother. I did my hair as nice as I could get it to look he always said he loved it down so I left it down even though I hate it in my face. I looked so cute in my new jeans I was on fire that day. I sat and waited without looking to crazy so my mom didn’t find out I like loved the guy. Finally he got here, I stayed as calm as I could but my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I needed to pee and worst of all, this happened every time I saw Samuel. He sat down next to me on the couch and watched TV for the longest time then I had to go get in bed. We texted for hours every night until I would fall asleep. He always stayed up till I was out; he promised me he wouldn’t ever leave me alone. My biggest mistake in life was trusting him….but that part comes later in my story. It got to be one something in the morning and I was doing everything I could to stay awake. Liz was mad at me for something stupid. I couldn’t get her to talk to me and Samuel was hanging out with my brother so he wasn’t really replying fast enough to keep me awake. I didn’t want him to stop texting me so I went down stairs to get a drink. That way he could see I was still up and wanted to talk. They were playing the Xbox. I got my drink and texted and told Samuel to come to the kitchen to hug me. I never did anything else with boys. I hadn’t ever been kissed or held hands with one. Nothing. I wanted so badly for Samuel to be my first kiss but nobody knows that not even Liz. Don’t tell anybody I told you guys that either. Samuel came into the kitchen gave me a big bear hug and told me to go lay down that he would text me. I listened to him no matter what he said. If he told me to go hang myself I probably would have. I loved making him happy; I would do anything if it made him smile. It got to be three thirteen that night he texted and told me to come down stairs that he had a surprise for me. I leaped out of bed as fast as I could, creeped down the stairs and there he lay. Right on the couch with his arms wide open waiting for me to lay next to him. I knew in the back of my mind that this wasn’t a good idea but I couldn’t help it. He was just so perfect. And no my brother was not right there…he was in his room sound asleep. As I lay down beside him, he placed the blankets over us just right. I looked up into his eyes. It was the best feeling ever, he leaned down and kissed my lips soft and slow. All I could do was smile; I didn’t know what to say or how to react. So I just smiled. I then had the most awful thoughts pop in my head. What is he going to do next? What if my parents or brother find out? Oh god I just got kissed by a twenty year old guy, I’m only fifteen! As all these thoughts raced through my head he bent down and whispered in my ear something I will never forget as long as I live…He said. “Sadie, I love you.” My world stopped right then and there. The thoughts went away and he kissed me again. I felt like I was on top of the world. But then it turned bad. Samuel put his hands on me in a way I didn’t really like. I hadn’t ever been in this situation before so I just said what every kid is told to say when things like this happen. “No.” Samuel wouldn’t stop, he kept touching me and saying “Sadie its okay I’m not going to hurt you.” But I knew it was wrong. So I continued to fight him. It was so late and I was so tired I didn’t have much fighting left in me so I eventually gave up and let him do whatever he wanted. I never in my life thought a simple childhood crush could turn into being forced to have sex. My dog scared him after I had been down stairs for over two hours. Samuel jumped up kissed me goodnight and went to the bathroom. I ran upstairs and got in bed. He texted and said if I told anybody he did that he would hurt me and hate me forever. I was so scared I didn’t want to lose him but I was in pain and terrified of what would happen if I didn’t tell somebody. By the time I woke up the next day he was gone my brother was at work. My dad was still in Chattanooga and mom was in bed. I cried so hard in the shower that morning yet no one knows. I didn’t tell a soul what I had been through. I couldn’t let him hate me. I loved him. We texted like nothing had happened between us but I could tell he was uneasy about it. I love music so I found songs that made me feel better. That’s how I tell people how I feel, I find a song that says what I’m thinking and tell them to listen to it. If they don’t then they don’t know how I feel. If they hear it and don’t really listen then they won’t ever know what I need them to. As time passed I pretended to forget about that night. The weather got colder, Christmas passed, and it was now February. I couldn’t take the guilt any longer, I went to my youth pastor and told him everything….well everything but that he forced me to have sex with him. I didn’t want to get Samuel in trouble so I just told most of what happened. He told me that he was sorry but that he had to tell my parents. I said alright and he called them. I was grounded because my parents didn’t really know the truth. I was told never to talk to him again…It was a bitter sweet moment for me. In a way I was happy that he wouldn’t be able to hurt me like that again. Yet sad and upset that I had lost the guy I loved for so many years. I cried myself to sleep so many nights, it hurt so bad. But I couldn’t tell anybody. If I told they would ask questions, I would have to tell them about what really happened that night. I just couldn’t do it. So I decided I would just shut everybody and every feeling out. I wasn’t going to let anybody hurt me like that again. I ended up hurting more people trying to make sure they didn’t hurt me. I drove my little sister to tears more than once, I made my dad act like he hated me, and mom would call me names and scream at me. My older brother acts like he can’t remember what his friend did while he slept. But I know he does. He never wants to talk to me anymore. I wish he would listen to me, I would tell him everything but no one cares enough to listen to me. My parents only judge me on what they think I’ve done. If only they knew how I felt about the whole thing. As time went on I tried my best to be normal again. I still cried in the bed at night or in my morning showers. I dated other guys trying to feel how he made me feel. It never worked I was just in a rut that I figured would never go away. I’m sixteen now but it doesn’t feel any different. I met this girl on Facebook and we started hanging out. Her Names Loraine, she’s pretty cool. But Liz hates her so I don’t know if I will hang out with her as much as Liz and I do. I’m dating this guy named Michel he doesn’t want to ever come to my house but he’s really cute. Liz is pissing me off though. She doesn’t like him and she’s trying to break us up. It’s late one Wednesday night and I was right. He dumped me. I hate her now. It’s all her fault. I can’t believe I let this happen I never should have trusted her! Loraine and I started going to church together and I really got into it for a while but then as months past my whole family started going and yeah it’s great that they go to church but I feel weird when they are there and can see me. I know that’s wrong but I’m just telling you guys the truth. I want you to know how I really feel about things I’m done hiding stuff and pretending like stuff doesn’t bother me or hurt me. I am starting too really like this guy at Loraine’s church…which is really my church now to I guess. He plays the drums, he’s funny, and he will actually come to my house. But most importantly he makes me feel like Samuel did, he can make me smile no matter what. I like him a lot so we are going to date as soon as I tell him I like him. But how can I tell him that? What if he doesn’t feel the same way? That would suck balls. Maybe I’ll just wait and see what he does. Yeah that’s what I’ll do! So I waited and waited, it got to be a whole month later and he asked me out! Life felt right again after months and months of crying because of one guy’s mistake and my own stupidity of trusting a guy. I was smiling and really truly happy. But I didn’t want to get to close to this guy...I was scared. Scared of what you might ask? I was scared of getting hurt, scared of hurting him like I was hurt. But most of all scared of falling in love with him.
I didn’t want anything to happen to “us” but I couldn’t help it. We started drifting apart and so I just had to end it before I was hurt. Little did I know he would be the one guy that stayed as one of my best friends till the end of time? I have had many talks with him about the most random thing and the most serious things. He has really never left me. Let’s move on ahead a few months now. Its November school has started back up and I’ve got a job. It’s probably the one thing I look forward to more than going to church. I work six days a week, thirty hours a week. It definitely keeps me busy. I think a couple of the guys here think I’m cute and I like one of them but nothing good comes out of it so I don’t know what will happen. Something funny happened tonight while I was on break though. I got a text from my older brother’s phone saying “Hey sexy girl” I thought he was going insane or that he was drunk. So I called him when I got off work and not only was it not him who answered but it was Samuel. I just about crashed the car, I thought I was dying. I had to pull over because I couldn’t see through all my tears. I sat and I bawled he gave the phone to my brother and he tried to calm me down over the phone but it wasn’t really working. I had just really and truly gotten over him and now he pops back into my life. If this time didn’t kill me I don’t know what would. There is a song called stronger by Kelly Clarkson, it goes like this. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger; you’ll stand a little taller. I believe that is my life’s theme song. As I sat and cried to my brother about how much it hurt to hear Samuels voice I do believe that we became a little closer then we had been in a long time. He still to this day doesn’t know what really happened with Samuel that night but I don’t think that matters right now. I talked to Samuel for a few minutes longer said goodnight to him and my brother and went home. I don’t understand why God brought him back into my life, I thought he took him out because of what he had done but maybe he wants us to talk again. Samuel and I have texted and Skyped every day since November. I had a great Christmas this year mainly because he was talking to me the whole day. I really thought he would stay this time. I trusted him a little too much again. I was getting awful close to him and it was just going to get me hurt again. I didn’t want to hurt but I was mad at everything from the past so I continued to lead him on. I have gotten to be really good at getting a guy to do anything I say or want. I’m not proud of it at all. It makes me feel like an awful person. I’m known around two of the high schools around here as the Home Schooled Whore. I mean really think about it, do you think I wanted any of this to happen? Do you think if my parents knew about the parties I’ve gone to they would ever let me out of the house? If they listened to what I had to say like Samuel does don’t you think life would be so much better? If only they knew….

Maybe we should meet up he said to me on the phone, I replied I can’t tonight don’t have the gas. He said please I’ll give you money for gas I have enough. I need you tonight. I didn’t want to upset him so I went to see him. He wasn’t but twenty One. I mean it wouldn’t be that bad if we got caught right? It’s not like he’s going to rape me again….I hope. All these things raced through my head again. I can’t believe I let it get to be like this again. What am I thinking? Now I’m driving to meet up with the guy that tried to kill me like a year ago. How did I let the life of such a good little girl turn to this? I just want out but I’m already here with him now. What am I to do, I have to stop. But it’s too late now we already did it. Somebody help me please I screamed inside my head. Cops kept driving by, he got scared. Samuel sped of faster than I could say wait. He left me there with seven cops all alone. What did he want me to do? I need help don’t leave me alone again. I can’t do this alone. I’m still just a kid. The cops asked me so many questions about what was going on and if I knew the guy that just left. I lied and got myself into even more trouble. They called my parents to come and get me, I still didn’t tell anybody what all we had done. I couldn’t do that to Samuel. I never want anybody to hurt the way that I did. How can I face my brother now? What can I say to him, I’m sure my parents told him they were going to get me from the cop’s? He’s going to hate me. I was grounded again the only place I can go is work and church. I just want to die, maybe that my only way out…I’ll just kill myself. That’s the only thing I can think of that will take all this pain away.
I had decided I would do it after church Sunday morning, So I went to bed that Friday night and stayed in my room most of Saturday till I had to work. When I got home I went right to bed and cried so hard I couldn’t breathe or stand up. If I didn’t die from the pain of him leaving me like this again I would just finish myself off after church. I woke up the next morning and went to church just like nothing had happened. I still hurt so bad I didn’t want to show it though so I helped in the nursery. All the little kids surrounded me and wanted to play with me. I couldn’t help but forget about everything that made me mad when I was with all the kids; I felt like this was where I needed to be. I couldn’t kill myself now…not after I saw all there smiling faces. I would just use this time like the last. It will make me a stronger young woman and I will be able to do great things. No matter how many times I slip up and make a mistake. I’ll get back up and I will carry on. No matter how many times my dad or other people tell me that I am going to fail at life, or that I am never going to be able to do anything big or great with my life. I will. I will stand up and do amazing things. I’ll show them just what little girls are made of. After I left church that day I went home and I prayed, I prayed harder and longer than I ever have before. I asked God if he would help me to move on from this and help my brother to still talk to me. I prayed and asked him if he could help me to be more open with people and trust more. I asked God to forgive me for making all the mistakes I have made with guys. I begged him to let me be able to talk to my parents about things that happen in my life. To give my parents patience and understanding about my life. I ended my prayer by saying thank you and Amen. I put a smile on my face and I pushed through. It’s only been about a month since I got in trouble again. I have tried my hardest to be good and I have only talked to one guy for about two days but he hurt my little brother so he is a big no. I will continue to try to be good. As I typed this story of my life I listened to a song and the whole time I typed I smiled just because of the song. It’s called Chang this Heart by Sidewalk Prophets. It says…..

“I’ve been trying to run away, from this false reality. No matter where I turn my back you're always right in front of me. So I push you away but I don't know that I'm wrong, I don't know the words to say to make my faith that strong. So I will pray to you right now. To take away my sin, heal away my brokenness and change this heart again. Without you I am nothing, but a weak and dying man. So I will pray to you right now, change this heart again. What is going through the motions, if my life is still the same. Everyday's the same old puzzle, all the pieces re-arranged. And I refuse your help, out of my own selfish pride. Lord I have so many masks, to cover up and hide. So I will pray to you right now, to take away my sin. Come heal away my brokenness, and change this heart again. Without you I am nothing, but a weak and a dying man. So I will pray to you right now, come change this heart again. So I will pray to you my lord. Change this heart again.” I know in my heart that it has been changed. I hope that I will never feel the pain I have gone through ever again. And I hope that you knowing my story help you keep from making some of the same mistakes I have made in my life…