An arm around a shoulder. The curl of a soft, sweet smile. A time when I was actually happy. As I kept thinking, a face started to drift to my mind, but I pushed it away. It seemed ridiculous that I had even bothered thinking about him, for it was too much for me to take in. I opened my eyes, shaking.
“No. I can’t do it,” I whispered into my arms.
“Fiona,” a voice whispered back. I’d almost forgotten he was there. “Fiona, it’s okay. Let yourself…. get over it. Just remember.”
A disproportionate sense of anger came to me. This time was no different from any of the other times people had tried to fix me. I was broken - heartbroken - and not even Will could put me back together.
“Really? Is that right, Will?” I shot back sarcastically, rising to my feet. “What if I don’t want to remember? Can you pretend to have any idea what it’s like to lose the one person you love more than anything else? Blocking him out is the only thing I can do!” I practically spat out the last words.
“And look what that’s done to you! Do you realize how much you’ve changed? It’s too much.” Will paused and took a deep breath. I don’t think either of us realized we were shouting. “And if you think I’m the only one worried, you’re wrong. You’re so far from the vibrant social butterfly I’ve known forever. Remember how incredible last summer was?”
“Last summer was practically a lifetime ago.” I said bitterly.
“I know.” Will said, his brow creased. Will turned around and angrily wiped something from his eyes. Dragging his fingers through his jet black hair, he said wearily, “Maybe I was wrong Fiona. Maybe it is too difficult to remember now. I just want to help you, like I know you’d be doing if the tables were turned. I know last year’s event was something that no one should ever have to go through, and I don’t know how I would’ve dealt with it myself. All I want is you back to the way you were, but maybe it’s too late for that now. I miss you.” His voice broke slightly at the last sentence.
Seeing Will so emotional struck something within me, and I wanted to do something, but didn’t know what. Numb with shock, I watched as he walked away. Will never looked back. His sleek black hair swayed in the wind, so unlike… even now, I couldn’t bring myself to think of him. Finally I got up and slowly walked aimlessly into the pleasantly warm evening.
The weather was drastically different from how it had been exactly a year ago. Last year’s icy October had had far worse consequences than anyone had expected, especially me. I shut my eyes again, as that fateful image of the day came to my mind. Just thinking about how I had been taken from class by the trembling principal, and the chaos that followed made me dizzy, even now. A hazy incomprehension and sense of disbelief had wedged into my heart as Mrs. Scarborough broke the news to me. I remember screaming, but not quite hearing the words I said. I remember sobbing into the shoulder of someone, but who it was I still can’t recall. I remember wishing I had been in the car with Preston, as my first true love tumbled off of the slick, icy road.
When I left the office hours later, I remember people asking me what was wrong. I would answer their questions with a quick “Nothing!” and smile, or just ignore the question. I remember feeling as if I was a visitor, watching myself go through a seemingly normal day. It just hadn’t sunk in yet. When I got home though, I saw my mother hang up the phone and look at me uncertainly. Her sympathetic hug didn’t help at all, and instead had the opposite effect. The pain I’d been bottling up came out at that moment and I ran, sobbing, to my room. I skipped three days of school
The day I’d returned to school I was approached with the obvious awkward questions and sympathy, but I laughed and smiled in response. Soon enough, my friends got the hint and tried to stay away from any touchy subjects, but no one truly realized how much I’d changed. One day, Isabelle had tried to talk to me about all of the drama in her life, and her boyfriend “issues”. The hum of her voice was all I remember, since I started to tune her out. Once she shook my shoulder and asked if I had heard anything she had said, I just couldn’t take it. I just gritted my teeth and walked off. She didn’t know anything about guy issues. I heard faint shouts in the background, but I forced myself forward. Lunch that day was spent in the library. From that point on, I sat by myself. I was still outwardly as friendly and bubbly as ever, but no one was able to reach my heart again.
It certainly was a surprise when I was dragged to the counselors a month after the Isabelle incident. Apparently Isabelle had gotten worried, and dropped in a recommendation that they talk to me. That day is also fixed in my mind. Answering her gentle questions was a breeze. Smiling back was simple. What was difficult was acting sincere. Eventually people just stopped trying to help.
Will had been the first in a long time to try to help, but I didn’t know what to do. His persistence over the past week had been undeniably amazing. Will was right, I’d certainly changed. I wasn’t crazy, though no one believed that anymore. I honestly did remember what had happened to Preston, but that didn’t mean my mind had come to terms with it. I’d known Will forever; he was practically my brother. He understood me better than anyone. When I truly needed him though, Will had been across the country, at his home in New York. Here in California, I could never bring myself to pick up the phone and tell him. Apparently my parents had been afraid of betraying me and pushing me even further into the deep end by telling his parents, so he hadn’t known till he got here on a surprise visit.
Suddenly as I walked, I realized I wasn’t going towards my house. I was walking toward the square in the center of the town, where Will’s hotel was. I laughed softly. Of course I was. Maybe… I was ready. Taking out my phone, I called him and smiled as he walked down and greeted me tentatively. He wasn’t sure how I was going to react, considering I had acted like a loose cannon barely an hour before. We sat down at a bench, neither sure how to start the conversation. Finally, the words found their way to my mouth. “I’m sorry,” I blurted out.
“Don’t be,” Will said, slightly bitterly. “If anything, I’m sorry, since I wasn’t there for you when you needed me!” Will said, with genuine remorse on his face.
“No! I... I need to talk to you. I need to come to terms with this. I need to remember,” I cried, a tear falling down my cheek.
“Then I’ll listen.” Will stated it simply.
It took me a moment to get started, but finally I said, “It’s not like I wanted it this way. I couldn’t find my way out. Every time my parents tried to help me, I couldn’t bring myself to relive the pain I’d already gone through and had never reconciled within me.” I looked up, the clear liquid streaming from my eyes. “You know sometimes I can hardly remember what Preston looked like? Other times I see a flash of his handsome face drift through my memory, but such a taste makes me just bury him deeper, hoping for the day to come when I simply won’t remember.”
I was working things out myself, trying myself to truly understand what had happened to me. I didn’t know till I said it. “Will, I didn’t want the next person I loved to one day disappear on me,” I whispered. “I was trying to protect myself, that’s it.” I put a shaking hand over my eyes. “I didn’t realize how it would affect everyone.” The sadness I’d kept bottled up for a full year finally bubbled over, and I buried my head in my arms.
Will put his arm around me, and for the first time in months, I didn’t shy away from the gesture. He didn’t say anything, knowing I needed the time.
Finally I took a deep breath and said, “Thank you Will.” I blushed as I looked at the floor.
Will smiled, and whispered, “You’re welcome.” We sat there in silence, until he said, his gray eyes curious, “Fiona, just wondering, but how did I manage to get through to you?”
I raised my head and said, “I don’t know. I think I had this coming for a while; I just needed the right person to unlock me. Like my best friend.”
Eyes shining like crystal, Will took a shaky breath and said, “It’s good to have you back Fiona.”