Dear Brian,
I know you must be crushed to hear about what happened. I can’t say how sorry I am, but I tried to tell you. I loved you Brian. I loved you so much, but you never knew. You were one of those guys that could easily get a girlfriend, someone better than me. You call me pretty all the time, but I could never believe you.
My whole life I believed that I was ugly; a worthless piece of s***. I thought I was someone who could never do anything right. When I met you and your friends, all of those thoughts washed away. I was happier. You made me laugh so easily. I loved it when you would laugh too, when your green eyes scrunched up and dimples formed on each side of your cheeks. When I first made you laugh, I knew that I would love you forever.
When I first started to like you, I thought I would be okay without you knowing, and just staying friends. But as time grew, I couldn’t help but feel like I would die if I couldn’t be more than just friends. You were my best friend though. You knew everything about me. You even knew about my suicidal thoughts, and attempts. It didn’t change your view on me though, and in a way, I was glad. When I tell people that one thing about me, I expect them to think I’m some freak. You even told me that you could never think that about me no matter what I did. I bet you’re changing your mind now.
I am a freak Brian. I died all because I knew that you would never love me like I loved you, that you would never get that knot in your stomach when you see me. You would never feel your heart skip a beat just by me saying your name. God Brian, why couldn’t you tell that I loved you? All of the guys could, yet you couldn’t.
A week ago, Josh said that he was going to talk to you about me. I’m not sure if he ever did because you guys went out of town for something. But over that course of the week, things happened. Someone knew about my suicide attempts. They sent me death threats, saying that if I didn’t do it, they would do it themselves. They even mentioned that you would never love you as I would love you. Someone knew that I loved you. I guess everyone could see it. My theory is that you were so stuck in your own little world, that you never really paid attention to the small things, like me.
So after a couple of days of thinking it over, I did it. I took about ten aspirin, and now I’m holding the knife in my hand. I’m shaking a little because I’m scared. If this doesn’t work, they’ll lock me in the crazy house for sure. Maybe I do belong there. I can talk about how crazy I am, and how I thought that, you might love me too. I’m crazy because of you Brian. I don’t want you to think this is all because of you. It’s not trust me. Please don’t have that guilt. You couldn’t stop me. No one can. If anything, you kept me here longer. I guess that hater just gave me an excuse, something to just push me over the edge to complete it. I’m running the water for my bath now. Don’t worry I won’t be naked.
If I’m going to do it, I might as well do it right. I can see the steam clouding the mirrors. I always loved that part of my shower. I would step out, my reflection would be blurred, like maybe my reflection changed, and someone beautiful is underneath all of that fog. Then I would wipe it away and the same old chocolate brown eyes would stare back. I’m still the same old me. I hate me. The bath is full, and the water is nice and hot. I can tell that the aspirin has kicked in. It’s time Brian. Time for me to finally be at peace. Don’t worry I’ll visit you. I love you Brian.
Forever,
Sarah
Brian lets the letter fall to the floor as a tear rolls down his cheek. She was gone. Sarah was gone, and he could do nothing about it. She thought he didn’t love her, but he did. He fell in love just as she fell in love with him. As Brian stares at the letter on the ground, he couldn’t help but feel like it was partly his fault. He was going to tell her last week that he fell in love with her, but he chickened out. Josh did indeed talk to him about Sarah. He was the one that helped convince him to tell her that he loved her.
“I loved you Sarah,” Brian whispers.
Another tear falls, Brian’s heart completely shattering.
“Why did you have to leave me Sarah?” Brian buries his face into his hands as he beings to sob. He was devastated. He never knew how much of an impact someone could have on him. But she was the love of his life, and now she was gone.
“Why didn’t you call me?” Brian says aloud. Brian looks over at the clock and sees that it’s midnight.
The last time Sarah called him was at midnight. She couldn’t sleep, as usual, so she called him. Brian smiles through his tears as all of the memories of Sarah fill his brain.
One day Sarah dragged Brian to the beach. It was winter and below zero, she didn’t care though. They walked all along the beach for hours just talking. The wind would blow through her hair as they walked, her teeth appearing from behind her lips as a smile formed. She would run a hand through her golden brown hair to get it out of her eyes, and look up at Brian. Her freckled cheeks would perk up as her smile widens, Brian laughing along with her.
Why didn’t he see it before? Maybe he was too stuck in the fact that he was in love with her. Brian was petrified with the fact that each day he spent with Sarah, he fell more and more in love with her. He was unsure about whether or not she loved him, and so he ignored that feeling. It was there though, with every smile and laugh, as she laid a hand on him when she started to laugh even harder. He knew that she was happier than before. He could see the change in her as they spent more time together. It was a thrill being with her.
“Dammit, I loved you.” Brian sighs as he quickly wipes away the new tears. “I know it was your choice, but what about mine? I wanted to be with you, and you took that away from me.” Brian knew that she couldn’t hear him since she was dead.
“You’re dead Sarah.” Brian didn’t like the way that sounded. He was still getting used to the fact that she was gone forever. “You’re gone forever.” Brian gets up as more tears flow down his cheek.
Brian walks to the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. His eyes were blood shot and puffy, his nose red.
“Dammit!” he screams, hitting the mirror. Broken pieces scatter all over the place, a couple remaining inside the frame. Brian leans his face over the sink, taking deep breaths trying to contain himself. Without thinking he grabs a piece of glass with a pointed end, and slices it across his wrist. He watches as blood pours out of the wound, and trails down his arm. The counter was already smeared with blood from his fist. Maybe he could go the same way Sarah did: bleed to death. He was numb. There was no more pain left for him to feel. The only feeling he had was the love for Sarah and just wanting to be with her again.
Brian takes the glass to the other arm, and slices along his vain, more blood dripping to the floor. Letting the glass slip from his hand, he falls to the floor, letting the blood pour out of him. He felt like he was floating on a cloud, high above everyone.
“Brian no.” He looks up and sees Sarah standing there.
“Sarah?” She continues to walk towards him.
“It’s not your time Brian.” He continues to stare at her as she kneels down on the ground next to him.
“I love you Sarah.” She smiles at him.
“I know, I love you too Brian.” In an instant Sarah vanishes, and is replaced by Liam.
“Neil call the ambulance!” he shouts.
“Where’s Sarah?” Brian asks. Liam shakes his head and covers Brian’s wounds.
“Sarah’s gone Brian, and you’d have been too if we didn’t come to check on you.”
“She knows I love her,” Brian whispers. Liam pulls Brian into his lap, smoothing his brown curls.
“I know. She loves you too.” Brian smiles, staring up at the light above him in the bathroom as paramedics strap him to a gurney.
Sarah saved him. Her love made him hold onto life. If she couldn’t live a life, then he would live it for her. Brian knew that if he fell in love with another girl eventually, he would have a spot for Sarah left in his heart, just as he would always be in hers. He’ll see her again, he knew that. Maybe it would be in his dreams, along the street as he walked around, or when he dies. Either way, he couldn’t wait.