Gabe stared into his boyfriend’s eyes and took a deep breath in, hoping that maybe he could catch some of the strength that seemed to be stored up within their icy blue brilliance. He had first seen Eric the summer before at the park by the local public high school. Those eyes were still the first things that got his attention almost an entire year later. But things were different now than they had been that first day. Eric wasn’t just some mysterious boy from the park; he meant something. When Gabe looked into those eyes he felt a whole mess of emotions. There was a feeling of butterflies in his stomach, along with a bubbly sense of happiness, but lately he also felt a bit of guilt and a wave of anxiety looking into those innocent eyes. Gabe removed his gaze from Eric’s face, looked up at the sky, and wondered why life had to be so complicated.

It had all started that day in the park. Well really, the beginning was much farther back than that. It all started in 6th grade when Gabe had developed the most brutal crush on his best friend, Tommy Arnolds. He liked the way Tommy smiled, like a total goof without even caring, the way he ran so fast at recess, and his expert juggling skills. Gabe would count backwards in his head and tell himself to shut up over and over, every time he felt that innocent, eleven year old attraction. Gabe knew the word for a boy liking another boy, gay; he also knew the connotations that went along with it. He saw the way the older kids threw it around and the way adults said it lowered down to a whisper with a sort of grimace on their faces.

Eventually Gabe got really good at counting backwards and telling himself to shut up. He learned how to hold most feelings back until he almost forgot they were there. Sometimes he pretended to talk about pretty girls with his friends, although he was really no good at it; most of the time though, he just stayed silent, trying to hold everything in without imploding. He was afraid that if he started talking, his entire life story would pour out, sexuality and all. Eventually the silence started to spread into his whole life, and he was “the quiet one.” Suppressing everything made him feel a bit crazy, not to mention lonely, but he didn’t really see any other way to keep his life together.

But everything changed when he met Eric. It had actually been a particularly terrible day and Gabe decided to go on a walk so that he could think. When he saw Eric sitting in the grass at the trunk of the tree reading a book, he almost forgot to tell himself to shut up at all. His day had been a mess and he decided that for once, he would let himself look at a guy, just look, without trying to turn his feelings off. His thoughts weren’t hurting anyone, he assured himself. But then Eric was smiling, then getting up, and then walking towards him. Gabe started to curse himself for even letting himself think about this boy. “He knows somehow and now he is coming over here to tell me what a messed up person I am,” Gabe thought, panicking. But when Eric finally got over to him, he held his hand out and introduced himself, grin still plastered to his face. His smile reminded Gabe of his 6th grade best friend Tommy’s, sincere and totally unapologetic. Eric explained that he had just moved into the town two weeks before and did not really know anyone. The two sat down on a bench and started talking like they had known each other forever.

Any other day, Gabe would have stayed inside his shell, but there was just something different about that day, something different about Eric. Something inside of Gabe just broke from holding everything in for so long. And Gabe was right, one word did lead to an entire flood of them, but thankfully it happened to be to the perfect person. That first day they sat talking on the bench for hours. For the first time in years, Gabe started to feel safe and free and the conversation wasn’t forced or fake.

At one point during the conversation, Eric mentioned that he was gay. He didn’t make a big deal about it at all either; he acted like it was a totally normal thing to drop into the conversation. And although he tried to hide the shock on his face, Gabe was completely caught off guard. He couldn’t believe how normal Eric was and how comfortable he seemed with himself. And at that moment, Gabe knew two things for sure, one, he liked guys and two, he was totally falling for the one sitting in front of him.

That summer, Gabe and Eric met up at the park almost every day. And their relationship quickly changed into more than just friendship. Eric introduced Gabe to his mom and showed him pictures of his best friend from home, a tall brown-haired girl named Lucy. They would sit on Eric’s back steps eating popsicles and watching the summer heat scorch the world. But Gabe was terrified to let Eric into his life at all. He had never felt so comfortable and genuinely happy with another person, but he was afraid of the world, the judgments, the bigotry, and all the unknown territory within himself. Gabe was afraid to tell his parents how he felt. He didn’t want his friends from school to find out the truth. He felt safe hiding inside his six-foot tall, soccer player body, because he thought no one would ever guess that someone like him would have a boyfriend. All the negativity that the world had ingrained in him was so difficult to get rid of.

Eric was incredibly patient with him. He put up with only meeting at the park, kissing in weird places or in the dark, and being, for the most part, shut out of Gabe’s life. At school, they pretended to barely know each other. Gabe was chosen as captain of the soccer team and sat with his friends everyday at lunch. He seemed to be living the ideal high school experience, but on the inside things were different. Everyday was a constant struggle, and he hated lying about who he was. Even through his fear, he realized that Eric deserved better. As terrified as he was of coming out to the people around him, somehow Gabe knew that love was good, not something that needed to be hidden.

Eric was understanding, but he could not hide the hurt on his face when Gabe walked by him in the halls without even a nod. He hated hiding who he was at school or anywhere at all; he hated not being able to tell what was real; and he hated living such a secret life. To Eric, his relationship with Gabe was something to be proud of, not ashamed of. He had never hidden his identity or his relationships at his old school and he almost felt as though he was moving backwards. Eric still loved him, but that’s not to say he didn’t pray everyday that Gabe would have the courage to stop hiding who he was.

Finally one day after watching him sit alone at lunch while he sat at a table full of laughter, Gabe decided that he had to stop hurting Eric like that. That day after school in the park, he sat with Eric and prayed for the courage to face the world. He sat with him in their favorite spot in the park and ran a million possible scenarios through his head. Would his parents still love him? Would his teammates feel uncomfortable around him? Would his friends abandon him? He felt so much anxiety, along with a bit of excitement for the freedom that he hoped to gain. At least he would not have to feel so secretive and on edge when he hung around with Eric.

Not long ago he had felt so unhappy with himself, so ashamed of something that he could not control, but meeting Eric had made him realize that there was not anything wrong with him. That night Gabe walked home, walked into his kitchen and said two life-changing words to his parents: I’m gay. He held his breath, almost expecting an earthquake to come rippling through his kitchen. He felt his parents’ eyes on him, his heart beating through his chest, blood coursing through his veins. As his parents got up, walked toward him, and gave him a hug, he let out a huge exhale.

The next day at school was one of the most nerve wracking days of his life. He changed his mind at least forty times before he got to the front door, but he knew what he had to do. He mustered up all his courage, went in the front door right up to Eric, and they walked down the long hallway hand in hand.