Take it from me, fate doesn’t care most of the time.

I heard the crunching of twigs near my personal area as I started to sit up from my slumber. A tall man, whose face was covered with darkness was inching slowly into my tent to cut me open and let me die. I knew he wanted to kill me, he could easily sell my things for a few bucks if he traveled up the road a few miles, and who would even find my corpse way out here?

The man had a dirty, old knife with a crooked blade and he is getting closer as I try to run away. I try so hard to run, but it’s as if my legs are broken, I can’t seem to lift them up, or move them at all. I begin to struggle for what feels like hours as I try to make out the man’s face, but I stay exactly where I started, laying there helplessly as my fate creeped closer. I am going to die, and nothing is going to stop this from happening, not even me. The worst part is that as it’s occurring, I’m not even nervous, maybe I feel relieved or maybe I just ran out of reasons to give a damn.

As I finally awake, I look around and see a small animal slowly hunting for his next meal. The little guy is slowly weaving through the grass, searching for small insects. I roll my eyes as I sit up from the cot and put my hands on my head, feeling the throbbing in my skull from last night, the night of trying to drown my sorrow by drowning myself in liquor. I slowly take in my surroundings, and I suddenly remember exactly how I got here.

It has been 2 months and 3 days since I last saw another human being. It’s been a rough while as I sort myself out and figure out what I can do to make my life better. I left civilization in hope of a better life because it all began to fall apart when I was there. It felt right at the time, so I packed up a few of my belongings: I brought a tent, my wallet, (with my I.D. inside, telling whoever may find it, that my name is Harold Gerber,) my old pocket-watch given to me from my father, a bottle of liquor (now almost empty,) a diamond wedding ring, and a pen and paper. I spent the last of my savings on my way here, making sure I get the right supplies so I have a sense of comfort, and so I won’t die of hunger or dehydration. I was planning on going somewhere far, far away.

It took me about a week to reach the old lake that my father showed me when I was still just a child, it’s still the way I remember it, The water is a beautiful shade of blue. It was so clear, because of all the runoff from the mountain. When you stood at the edge of the lake you could see all the way to the bottom, it was a delightful sight. I remember all the summers I’ve spent here with my father, swimming and catching fish. I miss him quite terribly and I hope he’s doing better now.

As I stare into the water, I see my reflection. My black hair is disheveled, and my nose is slightly crooked from the time I broke my nose on my father’s farm. I was getting increasingly skinny as the days pass. I could see my cheekbones sticking out from lack of food because sometimes I just forget to find food, and sometimes the sadness fills my stomach.

Before this all happened, my life was perfect. It was like a scene right out of the movies. I had a great paying job, a beautiful fiance, a good-looking house with a yard, and the best parents a guy could ask for. Things were going so well for me, until the first week of august, it was a glorious day and the sun was shining bright. The sky had the exact shade of blue as the Caribbean Sea. I walked home from work that day, and I was very happy because it was such a lovely day. I reached my house and walked in but something changed my mood immediately, I felt a strong sense of dread as I searched the house for my fiance. I reached the bedroom and found only a letter. my heart began to race,


I kept re-reading the note over and over again in my mind. The way the letters in every word of the note wrapped together so eloquently, so beautifully. Everything about her was lovely, her soft skin, her beautiful blonde hair, her green eyes that always shined bright, the sound of her waking up in the middle of the night and whispering that she loved me into the silence, and the way she’d smile when she notices me staring at her. Her hand fit perfectly between mine, and she will always hold my heart. She is the light of my life. I love her.


On that day, everything completely changed. In the note she describes to me to me that she has found someone else, a wealthy man who loves her very much. She explained to me that she would be leaving that day. She couldn’t take it anymore. She said she doesn’t love me anymore.

I could actually feel my heart breaking inside of me. It’s as if it exploded and fell from it’s rightful place, and what took over was something terrible, something sinister. I like to call it “The Darkness.” The darkness that has consumed my every thought since the very moment this happened. It’s as if a dark cloud is circling around my head, making everything worse. It has taken over my entire life, making me believe that I am a terrible person that doesn’t deserve the right to love, and be loved. It’s as if the world was crumbling all around me, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it, a reoccurring thing with me, it seemed. I can never stop the bad things from happening.

This is how I got here, it’s as if this voice in my head is telling me to stay far away from people, because I tend to scare them off. My entire life has become a joke, a sick joke. I live all alone, and I believe that it is making me crazy. Although it’s relaxing, I can’t stop the feeling of something missing from within me, maybe it’s because of how lonely I have become, or maybe it’s because she ripped my heart out and stepped on it.

I live my life, every day. But it feels as if I am dead. I wake up, get dressed, and begin my morning ritual. But most of the time I feel like I’m a zombie, slowly maneuvering through life, eating, breathing, sleeping. Not really paying attention or anything.


This is not the life I imagined for myself.


One day, I felt even more down than usual. So I drank a lot of my liquor, and wrote a note. I don’t really know who would even read it, but I felt like it was a must in this kind of situation. I wrote a few simple paragraphs, saying that I’m sorry, and that I can’t keep going on like this, with this sense of void in me. But I couldn’t seem to complete it. Something was missing and I can’t really figure out what.


Many weeks pass from the first attempt at my own suicide note, life is becoming one big blur. I’m beginning to get this feeling that something isn’t right with my own head. I realize that normal people wouldn’t do this if a women left them, they would move on and not leave the world behind. I begin to realize that I’m insane. I hate myself. I hate that I lost her, I hate it so much. I miss her so much that it hurts my head.


I wake up to a brand new day, In a life I hate. I’m beginning to find out what I am.
Last night, I wrote her name on a piece of paper, and I burnt it. The color of the flame burned out the entire spectrum, as if she was my everything. But she’s not anymore. Sometimes I feel just like a veteran, who goes to rub his aching legs, but reaches for nothing because they aren’t there anymore. She’s the limb that I lost, but I still feel her there. Nothing will feel the same without her, but maybe I can continue on, stronger without her.


Today, I decided to pack up my things and leave again, go into town and sit in the bar, I still had a 50 dollar bill left, and maybe I could even get some human interaction. I gather my things into a backpack, and I start walking south. I finally reached town 3 hours later, and I found the old Schooner’s Pub. It was now 6:30 in the evening so I decided to walk in.


I sit down, and I’m not sure what to do, It has been a long time since I’ve been around other people, but the bartender asked me what i’d like, so I ordered some whiskey and I enjoy it. Looking around as I see all the people laughing, and singing, and enjoying each others company. I missed it a lot.


As I begin to lose hope on finding someone to talk to, a lovely women walks in, and she sits right next to me at the bar. I begin to stare, and she knows it. She looks over and smiles, and she greets me. She’s lovely. Everything bad in my head seemed to disappear as I talked to her. I explained to her my story, and she understood. Then I asked her out on a date, and she agreed. Everything started to get clear in my head and I began to smile, maybe this life isn’t bad, maybe the bad things happen.. so you can see the good again.