My father’s foot connects with my ribs. A loud crack mingles with my screams. “Please!” I cry out. “I’m sorry!” I can taste the familiar tang of copper in my mouth mixing with the salty tears. Yanking me up by my shirt, my dad pulls me up to his face.
“Next time you come home late, you won’t get off so easy.” The smell of liquor rolls off his words making my eyes burn. I could only nod before I was thrown back into a wall. My father pulls back his arm; one more hit for good measure. His face twists into revolting, monstrous images as his fist flies toward me…
I jolted awake, covered in sweat. Breathing heavily and with shaking hands I fumbled around in my bedside table. My hands wrapped around what I was looking for. I had already prepared in case of an emergency. I inserted the needle into my arm and pushed down on the stopper.
One…two...three…
The rush hit. I could feel the heroin coursing through my veins, setting me on fire. My pupils dilated and I pushed back against the rising nausea as I let the feeling of ecstasy overtake me. I waited for what I knew would follow. Bliss. The pain flowed away leaving me feeling light and at peace.
I floated up and away from my failure of a father, away from my negligent mother, and away from the sad, pathetic man lying in the bed of that shitty apartment which smelled of vomit and drugs. That world faded away as I let the needle take me to a place only it could.
Here, the air blew fresh and clean, the water flowed pure and blue, and the grass felt soft beneath my feet. The flowers and mushrooms stood almost as tall as the trees and the mountains in the distance watched over this little lakeside like gods. The “poison” flowing through my veins is my only escape to comfort.
I took a deep breath, facing the lake, putting the quiet forest behind me. I spotted a movement out of the corner of my mind. It was small and appeared human. Who the hell could have access to my drug ridden mind? I turned on the person, ready for a confrontation, but froze at what I saw.
It was a child, no older than twelve. He dressed simply and his blonde hair stuck up in every direction. He fixed his bright blue eyes on me and grinned playfully before turning and racing into through the trees.
I hesitated. Did I know him? I did. I knew him really well. Why couldn't I remember though? I felt the need to follow him. Before I could work up the courage to follow him, he reappeared at the edge of the forest. “Well? What are you waiting for?” His voice was high-pitched like most children’s voices, but here, in this place, it seemed to echo, coming from every direction. “Come on.” He called, retreating back into the forest.
“Coming,” I shouted back, testing the acoustics. This was the first time I thought to talk in this world. Like his, my voice echoed around the lake. I jogged over to where I saw him disappear. He was standing a little ways off waiting for me.
He grinned that childish grin at me again and took off running, his laughter floating around us. I ran after him. “Wait up!” I called out. Who was this kid? Why was he here? How did he get here? I wanted answers. I’d lost sight of him, but something kept drawing me forward.
Finally, I reached a clearing. In the middle sat a cabin and in front of the cabin stood the kid. He tilted his head staring at me curiously, those eyes seeming to stare straight through me.
“Who are you?” I asked, walking towards him.
He just smiled at me. “It’s time to go back,” and with that he opened the door to the cabin and closed it behind him.
“Wait!” I cried, reaching for the door. “Go back where?” I opened the door and stepped inside.
***
I came down from my high rather ungracefully, slamming back into my body. Chest tight and stomach in knots, I blinked hard at the light streaming through the curtains. I was back in my apartment, all traces of the cabin, the boy, my world were gone.
I ran a hand over my face, feeling the depression setting back in. I glanced at the time. 9:45. S***. I jumped out of bed, ignoring the intense dizziness that assaulted me, and quickly got dressed. Grabbing my old guitar, Mae, who sat quietly by the front door, I left the apartment and made my way out into the streets of New York City.
I quickly navigated my way through the sea of people towards the orphanage that lay just a few blocks away. I rush in the front doors and make my way over to the receptionist. “Sorry I’m late, Ms. Porter.”
“Damien.” She smiled, taking in my disheveled appearance, "there's no need to apologize. It's 10:03. You're only three minutes late."
I smiled sheepishly, thanking her, and headed to the back to where the kids were playing. Immediately, I was surrounded by children of varying ages. I forced a smile, and greeted them all as warm-heartedly as I could. Gently pushing my way through the crowd of youngsters, I found a seat on a small, plastic chair and began strumming.
***
The orphanage staff invited me to stay for lunch as usual, so around 1:00 I set Mae down and joined the kids for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some carrots. As I sat eating, I spotted Prometheus across the cafeteria.
I waved at the twelve-year-old; then it hit me. He was walking toward me with that grin, his strawberry blonde hair sticking up as if he just rolled out of bed, those deep blue eyes locked on me. That was why the kid in my dream was so familiar; it was Perry.
He sat down next to me and happily bit into his sandwich. “I really liked your songs today,” he commented between bites of PB&J.
“Thanks,” I smiled back, hiding my confusion.
From there the conversation carried on as it normally did. He told me what he could remember about his parents and I listened quietly making small comments every once in a while. The parallels between our pasts were uncanny. Maybe that’s why he had found his way into my drug addled mind. Never the less, I was determined to make sure he didn't end up as screwed up as me.
After about an hour, I said goodbye to Perry, grabbed Mae, and hit the streets of New York once again.
On the way back to my apartment I saw it: a car crash. I closed my eyes and leaned back against a wall. Images flashed behind my eyelids; Shattered glass, blood, so much blood, my parents in the front seats, my dad halfway through the front windshield, my mom slumped limply against her seat belt.
I gasped opening my eyes and ran. I ran as fast as I could, shoving through the thickening afternoon crowd, back to my apartment. I slammed the door closed behind me and stumbled to my night table, trying to fight off the images and memories bombarding my mind. I grabbed a needle from the drawer and shoved it blindly into my arm. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited.
One…two...three…four...five…
When I opened my eyes again, I was in front of a small wooden cabin, the one from my world, my sanctuary. I let out a slow breath, reveling in the bliss.
My attention turned back to the cabin. Cautiously, I opened the door and stepped inside. It was small and warm inside, reminding me of the place I used to imagine my room was as a child. I could smell a fire burning, and I smiled softly.
“Damien!” The voice reverberated around me and I saw Perry standing in a doorway, grinning in that way he does. “Let’s play Hide-and-Seek! I hide, you count!” And with that he darted into another room.
I closed my eyes and started counting without a second thought. We played for hours, switching who was hiding and who was seeking. Surprisingly, the game never seemed to get old.
Perry had just found me and I expected him to race off and hide, but he just stood there. “It’s time to go back,” he parroted the words from last time. Before I could respond, he took my hand in his and led me to a door that had originally led to what appeared to be a child’s playroom. Opening the door, he led us through.
***
I sat in the middle of my apartment floor staring blearily up at my clock. 9:30. This trip had been rougher than usual. I sighed, dragging myself into bed, not bothering with dinner. I just wanted to sleep. I curled up under the covers and waited for the inevitable slumber.
And I waited…
And waited…
And waited…
I glanced over at the clock by my bed. 3:30. Groaning, I tossed and turned my eyes finally settling on the bedside table. One hit. Just to help me sleep. I dug out one of my syringes and glanced in the drawer. These were my last two.
After a moment of debate, I inserted the needle into my vein and slowly pushed down on the plunger. The initial rush set in, shortly followed by sweet peace.
My surroundings slowly morphed and I found myself back in the cabin. “Perry!” I called out, but he wasn't there. I left the cabin confused, but the tranquility of the drugs prevented me from dwelling on it too long.
I picked my way through the forest and back to the lake. Laying down in the soft, cotton-y grass, I closed my eyes. After all, I did come here for rest, right? I sighed softly, letting my entire body relax. Here, in this world, I had no problem finding sleep.
***
I woke up around 9:00, feeling better than I had in a long time. I went through my normal morning routine of showering, shaving, and getting dressed, before grabbing Mae and heading back to the orphanage.
When I got there I greeted Ms. Porter and made my way to the back; this time my smiles to the kids were genuine.
Around lunch time Perry came racing over to the table quicker than usual with a smile so wide he reminded me of the Joker. “Damien!” He all but shouted before I could say a word. “Yesterday, after you left, a couple came in looking to adopt and they were so excited when they saw me and I talked to them a lot and they were really nice and before they left they said they were going to adopt me!” He stumbled over his words his eyes shining with enthusiasm the entire time. “I’m going home tomorrow.” The word was foreign to him like it was to the rest of the kids here, but he grinned at the way it seemed to roll so naturally off his tongue.
Despite the sinking feeling in my heart, I smiled warmly at him. “That’s great, Perry.” He spent the rest of the time telling me all about the day he had with his future family.
Before I left, he gave me a hug and one of those iconic grins of his; probably the last one I’ll ever see. “Wish me luck tomorrow.” he said.
“Good luck.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too.” And with that he left.
***
On the walk home I couldn't shake the feeling I got when I was talking to Perry about his new home. It was a good thing, right? This meant he’d grow up like a normal kid. He would be less likely to end up in a ram-shacked apartment, hopelessly addicted to a drug that would slowly kill him.
Then why was my stomach twisting in knots?
I entered my apartment and went straight to the only thing that made sense in my life.
I pulled out my last needle and let the familiar feeling overtake me as I inserted it into my already red speckled arm.
Almost instantly I was back by the lake. To my surprise, a smiling, blue-eyed Perry stood next to me. We spent the time swimming and playing tag in the woods. I felt young again. This place and Perry- they were the childhood I never had.
He stopped and looked at me as we neared the old cabin. “It’s time to go back,” he said like usual. He reached to open the door, but I grabbed his hand.
“No,” I said softly, staring at the door. “What will I go back to? Out there, you don’t need me anymore. You’re home. Safe. Let’s stay here.”
He grinned wider than I thought possible and opened the door. When we entered I wasn't thrown back into reality, but remained in the cabin. Perry and I stood in front of a mirror and instead of seeing a kid and drug addicted man, I saw two twelve year old boys.
I grinned, matching Perry’s expression. “Last one to the lake is a rotten egg.”
***
A family of three sat around their T.V., watching the news in shock. “Twenty one year old Damien Hart, was found in critical condition in his apartment this afternoon. He was flown to the hospital, but didn't make the trip. The paramedics declared him dead at 8:47 pm, due to heroin overdose.” The small, blonde boy nestled between his parents, blue eyes wet with tears.