A Fallen Angel

Taylor stood firmly in her spot. Her short brown hair was blowing softly in the wind created by the fan, blowing directly on her. She looked eveyone of her glossy -eyed classmates right in the eyes. Taking a deep breath, she began to read her story.
***
This is a story of a little girl fighting a battle against herself. This all started in a third grade classroom. A nine year old girl was about to find out how this world, this society, really worked. She considered herself to be like an angel who didn’t like her place on earth. This life is destroying her, and she was trying to do was return back to heaven. She was just holding on for the right time to come. Until then, she masked her pain behind a fragile smile, she worked so hard to portray as true. She was truly a fallen angel trying to survive in a cruel and hateful world. Throughout the year, she found out what pain really was. Before pain was scraping her knees when she fell down, but now it was feeling alone, unloved, and worthless. This little girl thought of herself as a waste of space. This little girl went by the name of Alex.
By the time grade three was done with, Alex was already broken and torn apart. This society ruined yet another beautiful soul. Alex was chewed up and spit out into the dirt she thought she was. Alex wasn’t done fighting yet. She stood up and dusted all the negative words away. Alex knew she had a point to prove to everyone who made her feel so incredibly worthless.
When fourth grade began, she had her ponytail stuffed into the same ponytail she always had in. Her body was draped in baggy clothes she wore to hide the figure she wished she no longer had. Alex’s only friend was Justin. He was the only person who would talk to her. She didn’t want to let go of him in fear she wouldn’t be able to find someone else who would be willing to put up with her. Justin’s smile always reassured her everything would be okay even if he was blindsided to the pain she felt.
Because Justin was unaware of the pain, he was slowly tearing Alex to shreds. Sometimes, he would say something insulting to her pain- hidden face. Alex would just laugh it off, and pretend she was fine with it almost as if it were nothing to her. By the time the day was over, and Alex was already tucked into her blankets, her smile would fade, and slowly transform into soft water droplets, forming into her gentle brown eyes, just a blink away from pouring down on to her delicate skin. She would lay there and sob quietly into her pillow crying herself to sleep- another hopeless night.
In the morning, Alex wiped away her tear stained face reminding herself it was okay to cry. Sometimes people need to cry out the tears to make room for a heart full of smiles. Everynight, Alex would get lost, and trip into her own thoughts thinking to herself, “I am not funny like them”, “ I am not smart like them”, “I am not as skinny as the other girls”, “ I am not beautiful like the other girls:, but that’s okay, I probably wouldn’t chose myself either.
After she got dragged in the dirt all of grade five, Alex was just glad all the suffering would be over with. But of course, her life was too screwed up to let it be over. Over summer vacation, she found out Justin was moving away, and she probably would never see him again. Alex broke down to what she thought was her lowest point. She had no friends and worst of all she started to starve herself. She never wanted to put food with in her body. After every day she would place herself in front of the mirror and cry, pointing out everything that was wrong with her body. Within the year of grade six Alex lost over twenty pounds. She tried to stick herself in the biggest group of people she could find, hoping she would find someone who wanted to be her friend. But everyone she associated with ending up making Alex feel so much alone than ever.
The one thing that hit Alex the hardest is when she was in gym class talking to her “friends”, one of them said with a nasty hiss “oh, when is the baby due?” implying she was fat. After that comment was made, she never truly felt beautiful ever again. Alex starved herself even more throwing up any food she was forced to put in her body. Alex’s only escape from the world was placing a sharp cold lifeless piece of metal into her skin. The pain she made herself feel put her in control of something, and that’s all she ever wanted. Each wound on her waist was a piece of art showing that she was strong enough to survive past the war she went through every day.
But one night the monsters and demon’s came out of hiding. They swirled around Alex, destroying her. Every thought was mental abuse to Alex. The next thing Alex knew she was in the bathtub filling it with rushing water. Alex’s blood stained body slowly turned the water red as well. The blood continued to bleed as she continued to stick sharp objects into her body, just deep enough to bleed but never scar. After all, scars are ugly and all she wanted to be was beautiful. She fell under the water trying to escape this useless life. Alex’s brain told her to go up for air; but in her heart, she knew she had to hold on. Alex was stupid enough to listen to her brain, she pulled herself out gasping for the air she so desperately hated. She regretted every breath she took.
She became a bully, a bully to herself. Alex discovered we crave the hate we receive; we let it penetrate into our blood stream making us angrier and more depressed. We let it destroy us. We allow the names we have been called bruise our sprit, every negative insult becomes a brick thrown at our ribs. We allow the names we have been called to bruise our spirits. Every negative insult becomes a brick thrown at our ribs.
We let the names we have been called sink into our skin to become wounds. The wounds become deeper with every ounce of pain reminding you of every ounce of hate. The bruises become unbearable and altogether you become too weak to move.
***
Taylor slowly looked up to meet the eyes of her classmates staring deeply into each and everyone’s souls before continuing. This little girl has been through a life time of pain in such a short amount of time. Society had taken a beautiful little girl and turned her into something ugly that no one could fix completely. The guy she thought she loved and loved back played her, used her, and never really wanted her. Everyone she was forced to talk to in group work told her to shut up like her opinion was nothing. Scars will be there to remind her of what she has been through.
She will still remember every little detail of how you made her feel even if you have forgotten, but don’t worry she would never tell you how you were able to use words in such a powerful and hateful way that you pushed her to her weakest point. This little girl was too shattered to become her own hero. This little girl had to fight an unseen battle. This little girl has trust issues. This little girl’s definition of herself was broken, ugly, stupid, worthless, unloved, a pathetic waste of space, fat, and the list goes one. This little girl will never be able to believe you if you call her pretty because she will not accept it, if she doesn’t think she is… This little girl is me.